Things Worth Dying For
by remuslives23
Summary: What if Snape wasn't the only double agent? What if there was someone else who was fighting for the man she loves? Various pairings. Eventually a Remus fic. READ THE WARNING ON EACH CHAPPIE! M FOR A REASON, PEOPLE!
1. Chapter 1

**Hiya! I'm posting this story in the hope that by doing so, it will shift the block I seem to have and I will suddenly be inspired to finish it. If I post it, it will come (it being the ending). This is quite different to what I normally write so please be kind when reviewing.**

**This will _eventually_ be a Remus/OFC story but there are other pairings throughout, the main two being Sirius/OFC and Severus/OFC. **

**Time frames may be slightly off - I've tweaked to suit my purposes. Will follow general timeline of the books with some liberties taken. Starts at the beginning of OOTP - after Sirius has been taken in and protected by the Order.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but Ashlin and my husband only wishes I made money off of this.**

**WARNING: I will warn on each chappie but here's a general one. WILL CONTAIN MENTIONS AND SOME DESCRIPTIONS OF: RAPE, MURDER, ABUSE, SELF HARM, SUICIDE, VIOLENCE, SEX. I did warn you it was a bit different. **

* * *

_**Men in exile feed on dream**__**s of hope. - ****Aeschylus**_

Two months before the Potter's deaths.

_'Why him, Albus?' she demanded, frowning at the old man. 'Can't you do it?'_

_'I offered,' he told her. 'They refused. They want him and he wants to do it.'_

_'Blind loyalty,' she muttered, running a hand through her blonde hair distractedly. 'Bloody Gryffindors. He'll be killed.'_

_'When the time comes, he'll go into hiding; he'll be safe,' he said and she glared at him, green eyes burning bright._

_'You know as well as I do that isn't a guarantee of safety,' she retorted then suddenly all the anger seemed to leave her, leaving just hopelessness._

_'He's leaving me,' she whispered, blinking back tears and sounding younger than her twenty years. 'Why can't I go with him?'_

_'Because he specifically asked me not to allow it,' Albus said gently. 'He doesn't want you to be put anymore at risk.'_

_'I'm in the Order as well,' she exclaimed, her voice rising as her temper flared again. 'Why won't you let me do something useful? Why are you hiding me? You still don't believe a Slytherin would turn on their own? What do I have to do to prove myself to you?'_

_Her rising voice was resentful and Albus realised she was as ready as she was ever going to be._

_'You're sure you want to do more to help?' he asked, gazing intently at her. 'Will you do anything?'_

_'Anything,' she confirmed, sealing her fate._

* * *

Fourteen Years Later

She shivered as his words echoed around the empty, decrepit room, hanging in the air between them.

'Please…' she tried again but he shook his head.

'No,' he repeated, denying her request once more before turning his back on her and moving over to the grimy window. 'I'm sorry, but I cannot allow it.'

'Why didn't you tell me?' she asked, trying once more to get the information she hungered for. 'Why have you kept this from me for so long?'

'To avoid this very conversation, my dear,' he murmured, staring straight ahead.

He could not see out of the cracked, filth encrusted pane, instead staring at her reflection behind his own. He could see the anger; the frustration and pain, flit across her face, more emotion that he'd seen from her in many years. Then just as quickly, it was gone, hidden behind a blank mask. She wouldn't argue any further. She never disobeyed him. That is why she was perfect.

'Is this why I am here?' he asked now, turning back to stare at her, his blue eyes piercing. 'So you could ask me for what you must have known I would refuse?'

She could feel him probing her mind and hastily raised her defences. His eyes widened and the corner of his mouth twitched.

'You are hiding from me?' he said, sounding almost hurt by her refusal to allow him into her head. 'What would you need to hide from me, Ashlin?'

There was no response from the almost emaciated woman across from him and he turned away again.

'What is he doing?' he asked after a minute of silence.

Her green eyes bored into his back. 'Severus hasn't already told you?' she replied cattily, watching him closely to gauge his reaction. As expected, there was none.

'Severus has chosen his side,' he told her mildly. 'He is a member of the Order.'

'As am I,' she retorted irritably. 'Of course, he has you promoting his membership at every turn. You support him; therefore they support him; they believe him, whereas you continue to allow them to think…'

'You knew when you accepted this task what it entailed,' he cut in, his voice firm.

'Circumstances change. I never expected…' She bit her lip, seeing little value in resuming this particular argument. Even thinking about it hurt. Instead, she concentrated on Snape.

'Severus has the Order's backing if something should go wrong. He has refuge,' she spat. 'What do I have?'

'He is an invaluable member of the Order…' he began but it was her turn to interrupt.

'And what am I, Albus?' she snapped, the planes of her face hardening in anger, making it seem skull like in the dim room.

'You are someone I cannot do without,' he said, his voice low and she flinched at the reminder of why she had come here tonight and why she'd been refused.

'You have Severus,' she said quietly. 'Why do you need me too?'

'Severus risks everything in the open,' he explained. 'He is watched closely. The Dark Lord does not forget that he has spent many years at my side, and neither do his Death Eaters. You have seen for yourself the suspicion with which they treat him.'

He took a step forward. 'You have been amongst them for all those years that he has not. Trust may be too strong a word, but they do not doubt you; do not suspect you as they do him. Their tongues loosen around you. And…you are able to access information in a way Severus cannot.'

'And it's only costing me my soul, right?' she flung at him, her whole body trembling in… Fury? Resentment? Fear? 'A small price to pay for the information you need.'

'I did not intend this when I asked you to take on this role,' he murmured. 'But I will not risk the lives of thousands for one. I'm sorry.'

'And if I choose to disobey you? If I choose to run?' she asked, the question pointless because they both knew she wouldn't.

'Knowing what this task is costing you does not bring me pleasure, Ashlin,' he told her, for a moment feeling guilt for his part in the destruction of the woman she used to be.

He repeated his question. 'What is he doing?'

She was silent then waved her wand, feeling suddenly weakened by the quarrel. A wooden chair appeared and she sat gingerly, wincing when her threadbare robes provided no protection for the raw wounds that covered her back. The sliced flesh burned fiercely as it made contact with the timber, making her bite back a hiss.

'He is gathering followers,' she said in a weary tone when she was seated. 'Your attempts to turn the giants failed. They have pledged their allegiance to him.'

Dumbledore sighed and nodded. 'I thought they would,' he admitted. 'Hagrid said as much in his last OWL. And the others?'

She shrugged. 'The vampires are wavering but the goblins and centaurs just want to stay out of human affairs. They may be convinced later…,' she told him, sounding almost bored by the topic of conversation. 'He has the Dementors though, and most likely the werewolves…with the obvious exception.'

'He's in contact with Greyback?' he asked with a frown and Ashlin nodded.

'He has been approached and is amenable to working with us to recruit other packs. He has offered to…recruit wizards for the cause as well as other existing werewolves.'

'He'll continue biting innocents until he has an army,' Dumbledore murmured and Ashlin mumbled an agreement.

'The packs all have alpha's but none will stand against Greyback,' she said, a little disgust creeping into her voice. 'Some will run, but most will join the Dark Lord.'

'Remus will have his task,' he began but she shook her head.

'He would be better employed elsewhere,' she said brusquely. 'It is a waste of his time and energy to try and sway them. They obey Greyback and they will not listen to another alpha, especially one that has attempted to integrate himself into normal society; to live like a ordinary wizard. Remus is not nearly fearsome enough to turn them and he would never threaten them to follow him. Remus will use reasoned arguments - Greyback will kill them. They have no choice but to do his will.'

Albus considered her words then said, 'We still must try. He is completing a task for me right now but I'll send him off shortly.'

Ashlin stood up abruptly, the chair scraping gratingly along the wooden floor before dropping with a clatter. 'You are sending him to a likely death,' she said, her words, unlike her actions, controlled and deceptively calm. 'For no purpose. You understand that?'

'I understand the risk,' he said, equally as composed. 'As does Remus.'

'Not all payoffs are worth the price, Albus,' she said, her tone mild, belying the expression on her face.

As Albus watched, her green eyes were momentarily lit up with the impassioned fire that he recalled glimpsing over fourteen years ago when he assigned her this task. He had seen very little of that fire of late - excepting tonight. They had blazed furiously for a second when he'd refused the only request she'd made since she started along this path.

'He will be sent when the time is right,' he said, watching her closely.

One blink, and once again, her eyes were dead; her face impassive.

'As you wish,' she acquiesced, waving her wand at the fallen chair, making it vanish. 'I'll be missed if I stay away much longer.'

She picked up the travelling coat that lay crumpled on the floor and braced herself for the feeling of the heavy fabric on her fresh cuts.

'He is testing you?' Albus asked suddenly, seeing her grimace as the cloak put pressure on her wounds, sending a sharp burning sensation through her with such intensity that it made her knees weak. Her blood spotted robes had not escaped his notice.

'We never tried to find him,' she replied dully. 'He is unhappy with those of us who did nothing.'

'You haven't healed yourself?' he noticed, but she shook her head.

'Part of my punishment,' she explained, turning to him with an emotionless face as she discussed being tormented by The Dark Lord. 'Until he sees fit to allow me to close the wounds, I must bleed.'

Her spine stiffened and she tucked a long lock of dirty blonde hair behind her ear. 'How is the boy?' she asked.

'Unhappy we are keeping information from him, but he escaped the Dementor attack without punishment.'

'It didn't come from him,' she told him with a slight frown. 'The order came from inside the Ministry. We don't have anyone inside yet that has the authority to order an attack.'

He nodded, having guessed as much himself.

'Perhaps you should warn him of the fight ahead,' she suggested. 'Tell him of the prophecy…'

'That is not your decision to make, Ashlin,' he snapped, turning away from her sharply.

'No, as his guardian, it's his godfather's decision, isn't it?' she snarled back and he stiffened.

'You should be going,' he said mildly, his back still to her.

She took a breath, trying to release her anger in the exhale. 'I'll be in contact when I have any information of value,' she told him then turned to leave the Shrieking Shack, not seeing him twist his head around to look at her parting back.

'Severus believes I am asking too much of him,' Albus said softly, and she stopped where she was. 'Do I ask too much of you, Ashlin?'

'Always,' she replied quietly, feeling his eyes boring into the back of her head. 'But as you pointed out - I knew what I was getting into when I accepted your offer.'

She hesitated a moment longer then allowed herself one last question. 'How is he?'

Albus wouldn't lie to her. 'Resentful. Angry,' he told her. 'He's not the same man that left all those years ago. I don't believe even you could reach him right now, Ashlin, if it is any consolation.'

'It's not,' she whispered, bitterness in the softly spoken words.

The sounds of her footsteps echoed off the walls then there was silence.

**Please R and R. Please? Look, the button is right there...you're so close...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hope this chappie explains things a bit better. Thanks for all the reviews for first chapter (which I didn't mention begins at the start of OOTP). As I said, I'd hoped putting this up would help me finish it, and it's working so far. Cheers.**

**WARNING: Mild self punishment; mention of suicide.**

* * *

**_Grief is the agony of an instant, the indulgence of grief the blunder of a life. - _****_Benjamin Disraeli_**

A soft pop was the only indication that she'd returned and, upon entering the opulent manor, her footsteps were muffled by the thick carpeting as she walked upstairs. Hopeful that she hadn't been missed, she crept down the long hall with its sleeping portraits to her room.

'Where have you been?' came a haughty voice and Ashlin turned to see Lucius Malfoy watching her, a mistrustful expression on his aristocratic face.

'Explain how that is any of your business, Lucius,' she snapped, turning her back on him.

He followed her down the hall, leaning against the frame of her bedroom door, hand resting on the door knob. 'If the Dark Lord had called upon you….' he began.

'Did he?' she asked, raising an eyebrow.

'No,' he admitted. 'But if he _had_…'

'Then it would have been _my _head, Lucius,' she replied, feeling more weary than she had in a long time. 'What do you want anyway? If you're just here to taunt me, consider your task complete and go. I'm buggered.'

'Mmm,' he murmured with a predatory smile, watching as she removed her cloak. 'Buggered? There's an idea...'

'Piss off,' she muttered, her voice holding no venom. She was not afraid of Lucius. She knew him far too well now to fear him.

There was a moment's silence then…

'You look like shit,' he said softly and she turned to him, surprised at his unusually gentle tone.

'Then you'd be forgetting about getting laid?' she asked snippily, and was surprised again by his smile.

'You'd just lay there anyway,' he retorted, turning away. 'Where's the fun if you're not fighting me?'

He closed the door behind him and Ashlin's bravado quickly faded.

'Fuck,' she whispered, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes to stop the tears she hadn't consciously shed in almost a decade and a half.

'I should never have agreed to this,' she mumbled, rubbing her face. 'How the hell am I going to keep my walls up now?'

She employed Occlumancy to avoid detection as a member of the Order of the Phoenix as she lived amongst the very people the Order were fighting, but her mind was in turmoil; her barriers weren't holding.

With a soft groan, she walked into the bathroom, stripping then getting into the grey marble shower, hissing in pain as the stinging spray of hot water hit the gaping cuts on her back. She didn't turn the pressure down, though, or make it cooler. Not yet.

'Punishment,' she muttered, her teeth biting into the flesh of her bottom lip, drawing blood.

Quickly but carefully running the soap over her skin, she reminded herself to get Narcissa to check the throbbing wounds tomorrow for infection. The soap sluiced off her body and she stood for a moment as the water tried its best to wash the layers of imbedded filth off her skin - the filth and shame of her life that she knew would never be able to be washed away.

The pressure and heat of the water was not hurting anymore, so she turned the hot tap off, bracing herself. A muffled cry slipped from her lips as the freezing water hit hot, injured skin, but she braced herself against the wall, standing in stoic silence and taking the castigation as she was supposed to. When she noticed the red water swirling down the drain had faded to pink, she stepped out of the shower. She caught sight of herself in the mirror and paused.

Horrified, but transfixed, she moved closer, examining the face and body she tried not to look at too thoroughly anymore.

'Oh my god,' she breathed, running her hands over herself as if to confirm what the reflection was showing her.

She hardly recognised herself. Her skin was blemished, pale and waxy with a jaundiced tinge. Her body was covered in ragged scars from battle and punishments - both given by others and self inflicted, and her blonde hair was lank, tangled and greasy, the grey that she'd noticed months ago starting to become visible in the light strands now. She was thin, dangerously thin, bones standing out in stark contrast to her 'before' body.

When she agreed to take on the mission of double agent for the Order, she'd been twenty years old; natural blonde and 'sexy as hell' according to the man she'd shared a bed with.

'He wouldn't recognise me,' she mumbled, although he probably had his own scars now. 'I look like a walking skeleton.'

She frowned at the prominent ribs, able to count each one, and her hip bones stood out so sharply she could have cut herself on them. Turning, she saw the lacerations streaked across her back: red and inflamed. Her skin was streaked with blood from the shower that had aggravated the still open wounds that had now begun to clot again. Sucking a breath in between her teeth, she turned back and finally looked at her face.

'Christ,' she whispered, morbidly fascinated by the sight.

She ran her finger along a long, raised scar down the left side of her jaw, running from near her ear almost to the corner of her mouth - a remnant from her Death Eater initiation many years ago. Her cheeks were hollowed; face gaunt and old beyond her 34 years, but most startling were her dark ringed green eyes - they looked…

'Dead,' she thought then looked away, unable to stand the sight of herself any longer. 'I look dead.'

There was a time she was full of life. Her eyes used to sparkle, particularly when she looked at him. She shook her head, forcing the rising grief away. She could not afford to indulge herself. Letting herself grieve for her lost opportunities could cost her and many others their lives. That was too high a price to pay for a misery she had no hope of escaping anyway.

* * *

**A week later**

'_Sirius,__'__ she said softly._

'_I__'__m here, Ash,__'__ he whispered, his face appearing before hers._

_Ashlin stared at him, drinking in the sight of his handsome face. __'__You__'__re here,__'__ she breathed, her words almost indiscernible. _

_But he heard and smiled. __'__I__'__m always here,__'__ he said, touching her hair, which was no longer greasy and stringy. _

_Suddenly, she realised. __'__This is a dream,__'__ she murmured and he nodded. _

'_Do you care?__'__ he asked, his face lowering until his lips nearly touched hers. _

'_No,__'__ she whispered and saw him smile before his lips met hers._

_Their lips were soft on each others at first then, as heat built quickly between them, their kiss became harder, needier. Their clothes seemed to just vanish and Sirius__'__ hands were everywhere. _

'_Please,__'__ she whispered, arching up to his touch and suddenly, he was inside her. _

_They moved together: sinuously, smoothly, until a wave of pleasure washed over her and she could hear Sirius moan as he reached his own end. His lips brushed her ear as he murmured her name, over and over. _'_Ashlin. Ashlin...__'_

'Ashlin!'

The sharp retort woke her abruptly from her dream and she sat up in the dark room. 'What is it?' she asked the shadowy figure in the doorway, immediately awake from years of practice.

'We have received word,' the voice she recognised now as Narcissa Malfoy's said. 'You must prepare to leave when he calls.'

Ashlin didn't ask any more questions as she quickly emerged from beneath her sheets - she was a well trained Death Eater and knew what was expected of her.

Narcissa left the room silently as Ashlin dressed.

She'd been living with the Malfoy's since news reached them of the possible return of the Dark Lord a few months ago. She had known both Lucius and Narcissa slightly at school but her family had been close to the blonde womans' for many years. No one from either family had ever known about Ashlin and Narcissa's cousin, Sirius - not many people had. A Gryffindor dating a Slytherin…he hadn't even told his friends until they could no longer think of excuses to avoid them. The Potters, James and Lily, and Remus Lupin had been concerned about the relationship: Slytherin's were mistrusted, particularly by ex Gryffindor students and, to be fair, most of Lord Voldemort's loyalest servants _were_ former Slytherins.

She'd joined the members of her former school house many years ago at the behest of Albus Dumbledore. Eager to prove herself trustworthy, she'd rashly agreed to the man's suggestion she act as a double agent.

'Biggest fucking mistake of my life,' she muttered now, yanking on her pants.

She'd been distraught, angry and Dumbledore took advantage. Sirius was leaving her to go into hiding as James and Lily Potter's secret keeper and she was desperate to try and help bring Voldemort down as soon as possible to get him back.

* * *

'_You have connections, Ashlin,' Albus said urgently, sitting down next to her after he presented his idea. 'Your family; your house, they would never suspect you of being a double agent.' _

_She shook her head. 'I don't know,' she said faintly, thoughts rushing through her mind. 'I wanted to leave that life, those beliefs, behind. That's why I joined the Order.' _

'_If we had a link to the Death Eaters, a way to know what Voldemort was doing, we could defeat him all the sooner…and Sirius could come back to you,' he said softly. 'Wouldn't that be worth compromising your beliefs for a while?' _

_She looked at him shrewdly. 'We aren't just talking about compromising my beliefs, Albus,' she said in a low voice. 'Don't take me for a fool. I know there's a damn good chance I'll be killed doing this.' _

_He didn't say anything, just stared at her with those probing blue eyes. _

'_I'll do it,' she told him. 'For Sirius. To get him out of danger. To get him back to me.' _

'_You love him that much?' he asked and she nodded. 'Enough to die for him?' _

_She smiled a grim smile. 'Without him, my life is incomplete,' she said, standing up. 'And I don't want to live an incomplete life anymore. His freedom, our life - these are things worth dying for.'_

* * *

Unfortunately, things hadn't gone according to plan and within weeks, Sirius was in Azkaban, Pettigrew and the Potters were dead and Ashlin was marked.

A Death Eater.

Grief stricken, she turned to the only person she could think of that could help her, Albus, who had convinced her that the Dark Lord was not really gone; that she needed to keep up her act and, believing she had nothing left to go back to, she'd agreed. The fact he'd turned out to be correct didn't ease her resentment towards the man. But now, impossibly, Sirius was back, had been for years without anyone telling her, but she was unable to see him; to explain to him why she was doing what she was. Albus refused to allow it.

'I started this for him; to get him back to me. But now, he's going to think I turned,' she thought despairingly. 'What else could they all expect from a Slytherin?'

She pulled on her cloak and pointed her wand at her face.

'Mascus,' she murmured and a silver mask fitted itself perfectly to her face.

There was a moment of claustrophobia then she took a deep breath. Her mind had to be clear; protected, or she was a dead woman.

'My soul's already torn beyond saving,' she thought suddenly. 'Does it really matter now if I'm physically extinct as well?'

For a moment, the temptation to take the knife she kept in her underwear drawer and slash it across her wrists; her throat; let the crimson life flow from her damaged body, seemed irresistible.

She wavered, taking a step towards her carved dressing table before she came out of the haze of despair that was all too often engulfing her these days; the promise of serenity and peace almost overwhelming.

With a sigh, she pushed down all thoughts of a blessed release and concentrated on emptying her mind.

'It'll all be for nothing if I give up now,' she told herself, preparing for the inevitable pain and horror of the night.

Her mind cleared itself of all thoughts other than those of her master, and walked down the stairs to join Lucius in the dining room.

* * *

He saw her mask and smirked, raising his wand to put his own mask in place. His mocking smile belied the nervousness radiating from him. She hadn't been the only one punished for not attempting to locate Lord Voldemort.

'He'll call when he wants us,' he told her, his voice low.

She nodded then turned her head when she saw movement off to her left. Her wand arm rose but before she cast a Stunning spell, she recognised the intruder.

'That is a very good way to lose your life, Draco,' she said mildly, putting her arm down.

Lucius turned his head sharply. 'I told you to go with your mother to prepare for your departure tomorrow,' he snapped, a frown creasing his features. '_Now_, Draco. Don't defy me again.'

The blonde teenager, so much like his father, seemed to shrink into himself and nodded, leaving the room. Ashlin glanced at Lucius, who seemed even more rattled now.

'What is it?' she asked but he shook his head. She felt a moment of kinship with the man: he was as terrified as she was - just not as proficient at hiding it.

'Master your fear, Lucius,' she said softly and he sneered at her.

'I am pleased my Lord has returned,' he began but she stepped closer.

'If I can smell your fear, he will be able to as well,' she whispered harshly. 'Get yourself under control, Malfoy, or you will curse us all.'

He opened his mouth but before he could form a response both of them felt a burning sensation on their forearms. Lucius clutched the arm quickly and Ashlin hissed, biting her lip to stop a curse.

'Time to go,' she said and they disapparated instantly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hope you're following this fic alright... It kind of worked...I've written a couple of chapters since posting - pure panic, I think. Could be complete rubbish but anyway...on with the story**

**WARNING: Nothing graphic in here but there is a non graphic rape and torture reference. **

* * *

**_Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. - Mark Twain_**

Chapter Three

They appeared in a dank, rubbish filled alleyway, taking a moment to let their eyes adjust to the gloom. From across the street, they saw a familiar squat figure and quickly moved towards him, checking that they weren't being observed.

'Wormtail,' Lucius said, sounding as if he was spitting out something that was spoiled.

He strode past the man with barely a look. Ashlin followed, thanking the powers that be that Sirius had never revealed their relationship to the man, and that Peter had not been aware of her initiation to the Order. Although the two men had been friends and Peter had been in the Order, the chubby man had been mysteriously absent from their lives for months before the Potter's died, assumed to be on business for Dumbledore. Now, of course, everyone knew why he had been missing. He had been acting as a double agent as well - for Voldemort.

'Peter,' she said softly, repulsed by the man but wanting to keep him on side.

'Ashlin,' he greeted her, bowing slightly. She shuddered - he really was a snivelling little toad.

Her mental wards had dropped a little in her disgust and she paused a moment to restore them. She couldn't afford to give the accomplished Occlumens inside an opportunity to probe her innermost thoughts. She'd managed to avoid detection for a long time - even Severus wasn't aware that she was a spy as he was - but the Dark Lord was powerful. To fool him…she didn't even know if it was possible.

Following Lucius, she entered a darkened room, the fire throwing eerie shadows across the walls. There were several other masked men in the room - no other women. Trepidation turned her blood cold. Being the only woman here did not bode well for her. She'd been to these gatherings before…and still had the scars.

'Lucius,' came a high voice from near the fire, stretching the _s_ out so that it sounded like a snake hissing.

'My Lord,' Lucius said, prostrating himself before the robed man.

'Get up,' the Dark Lord, waving him away. His slitted eyes lit upon Ashlin and glittered.

'Uh oh,' she thought, then bowed low.

'My Lord,' she murmured, mentally preparing herself to be the night's entertainment.

'Ashlin,' he hissed softly and she felt a freezing finger touch her lowered chin, applying pressure until she looked up.

He seemed to be appraising her, holding her there for several seconds before removing his finger and turning. She took this as an indication she was to join the circle of servants and she hurriedly did so. She had joined his Death Eaters late - it took several weeks to prove her allegiance and had taken the Mark mere days before the Dark Lord was first vanquished. He'd only been back a short time and he did not trust her, not yet. She knew she was going to have to prove her loyalty all over again.

'Strip!' he demanded suddenly and several wands immediately raised.

'No,' Voldemort snarled before they could Vanish their clothing. 'Do it the filthy Muggle way.'

Ashlin didn't hesitate, knowing to do so could mean suffering the Cruciatus curse. She bent and laid her wand on the floor and pulled her robes off, letting them puddle around her feet. She quickly removed her pants and shirt, seeing the others doing the same. When her underwear had joined the pile, she stood tall, her face the only part of her body not revealed for all to see.

The Dark Lord looked them over, a small smile playing on his lips before he cast a Cruciatus spell on Lucius. The blonde man dropped to the floor, screaming. Ashlin, breath coming fast, tried not to let herself call out, to tell the man to shut up. It'd only be worse for them all if he screamed; if he showed weakness. Finally, Voldemort raised the wand and Lucius staggered back to his feet, shaking violently as he swayed on the spot.

'I see my Death Eaters have done what was asked of them.'

He walked around the back of the circle, inspecting the still open cuts on their backs. 'I hope you show such discipline and obedience in all your tasks, and that you have learnt to never doubt me again.'

He cast another Cruciatus and the man directly opposite Ashlin fell this time with a loud yell. They all watched him convulse with strangled cries for several seconds, then the Dark Lord released him.

He slowly walked around them, occasionally lifting his wand then cackling with laughter when one of his servants flinched. When he reached Ashlin, he paused behind her, raising his wand to her temple.

She tried not to freeze; tried to hide how repulsed she was by his proximity. The tip of the wand was drawn almost lazily down her cheek, tracing the scar he himself had put there many years ago. It continued - moving over her bare shoulder then running down her arm. She could feel his hot, moist breath on the back of her neck and felt a little weak from fear.

A pair of dark eyes across the room caught her own and she saw the warning there. She strengthened her resolve and stiffened her spine. The wand came down hard, whipping across her buttocks, but she gritted her teeth and refused to react. Voldemort chuckled and moved on.

He watched them all squirm for another few minutes then seemed to tire of his game. He motioned to Ashlin.

'Heal them,' he ordered, sinking back into his chair by the fire, his snake, Nagini, wrapping itself around his shoulders. He stroked the snake's undulating length, watching as Ashlin approached each man and one by one, healed their cuts.

'Severus, assist her!' he called impatiently, and a masked man turned to his neighbour, wand out, and they worked their way around the circle in opposite directions.

His eyes didn't leave them as they finished their task. 'Do not heal yourselves,' he demanded, eyeing them as Ashlin raised her wand to heal Severus' wounds.

He waved his hands at the other servants. 'Leave us!' They gathered their clothes and left the room fast.

'Come,' Voldemort said softly but firmly, indicating they should approach. She could feel Severus bracing himself and knew she was doing the same.

'He knows,' she suddenly realised, knowing there was no other reason for him to be so tense that they'd been singled out. 'He knows what I am.'

'My Lord?' Snape said softly.

'You are going back to Hogwarts tomorrow,' the pale man said, looking at Severus. 'I wish for Ashlin to stay at your house with Wormtail.'

Severus nodded and Voldemort turned to Ashlin. 'You know the werewolf Lupin?' he asked and Ashlin tried not to let her surprise show, instead nodding as Severus had done. 'He has aligned himself with Dumbledore. The old man has himself a ready made spy. He will send him to the werewolf packs outside London at some point. Get him to try and convince the beasts that if they join the Order they will have better conditions.'

He chuckled, but it was ice, not warmth that crept over her skin at the sound.

'Your task, Ashlin, is to watch the werewolf packs. Watch Greyback. I want to know when Lupin makes contact and I don't trust Greyback not to betray me. He is an animal; a foul half breed.'

His red eyes met her green orbs. 'But I want them on my side. They have no conscience; no restraint. They will kill for me as I order it and I won't accept them switching allegiances.'

He looked Ashlin up and down as she murmured, 'Yes, My Lord.'

He pointed his wand at Severus, healing his wounds instantly. 'Thank you, My Lord,' he murmured.

Lord Voldemort smiled at Ashlin, a grotesque grimace, and said softly, 'Leave us, Severus.'

A chill ran through Ashlin and, as Severus gathered his clothes and left the room, she pulled together every ounce of strength she had left in her body. Voldemort stood, walking slowly towards Ashlin.

His cold hand closed over her breast, rough fingers twisting her nipple painfully. A small whine escaped from between her lips and his eyes glowed in anticipation. The pale hand ran down her body, over her ribs, her stomach until it forced itself between her legs. He rammed three fingers inside her and the excruciating pain of the invasion made her gasp and wince in agony. She involuntarily flinched, trying to pull out of his grasp but he held her and smiled a terrible smile that sent a shiver of dread down Ashlin's spine.

'You will _not_ lie quietly like you do with the others. You _will_ fight me, Ashlin. You _will_ scream for me,' he promised menacingly then lowered his head to inflict the first of many bites.

He was right.

She fought.

She screamed.

* * *

Severus was still waiting when, almost an hour later, Ashlin appeared, slightly unsteady on her feet. He grasped her arm and apparated them both to his house.

Once inside, Severus cast several charms, locking down the room and making it imperturbable.

'You can use some of my spare robes until you can go back to Malfoy Manor for your belongings,' he murmured, then held up his wand. 'I'm taking your clothes off.'

Still dazed, she nodded. He waved his wand and her clothes disappeared. In her altered state, did not see the change in his face.

'Shit,' he swore under his breath, dark eyes taking in the vicious bite marks that had very nearly torn chunks of flesh from her bones. She had long, deep fingernail scratches over her breasts and stomach, and handprint shaped bruises on her hips and thighs.

Severus healed the bites and scratches and cast a spell to counteract the shock that she was experiencing. Ashlin blinked, more alert now, and he went to a cupboard, pulling out a vial.

'Drink it,' he ordered and she did so without hesitation, throwing the pain potion down fast.

'Thank you,' she whispered, her throat feeling as though it were full of razor blades - a result of an hour of almost constant screaming.

'Wormtail will return shortly, so I'll make this quick,' he said abruptly, walking over to the cupboard and pulling out a bottle of Firewhiskey and two glasses. He poured the liquid as Ashlin saw her clothes folded on the side table and she reached for them. Dressed again, she took in the run down, dimly lit room.

'I know what you are, and I know you know what I am.' He handed her a drink, seeing her surprise at his blunt honesty.

'You must ensure Albus is aware of your task. He may wish to keep Lupin close if he is to be tracked. They are determined to keep Black hidden and if Lupin is captured, he will try to play the hero and rescue him, despite the risk. He is as big a fool as ever.'

'How do you do this, Severus?' she asked suddenly, ignoring his barb towards Sirius, knowing he had his own reasons for hating her former lover.

He stared at her then sipped his drink. 'You are trusted,' he said gently, ignoring her question. 'You showed no fear; no hesitation. You accepted his task and his…attentions tonight. He trusts you. You have courage, Ashlin.'

Ashlin took a wavering breath. If only he knew how terrified she was right now.

He waved his wand and the door flew open. He walked across the room then stopped and turned around.

'When you have nothing left to lose, it's easy,' he said softly then walked out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

**Some of you have requested this and I promised it was coming. We learn about how Ashlin and Sirius got together. Enjoy what is a lighter, short chappie (it might be the only one you get in this fic!).**

**WARNING: Very tame sex scene. Sorry!**

* * *

_**Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. - **_**Trey Parker and Matt Stone**

Chapter Four

Ashlin and Sirius fought constantly at school. He hexed her; she cursed him back. Revenge was always sweet and it became a cycle. They were each other's favourite targets (apart from poor Severus) - not allowing any of their friends to join in their pranks. This was a vendetta between the two of them: a war that had raged long before they came to Hogwarts.

Both were pure bloods and both were passionate, headstrong, with the same 'life is for living' attitude. They were both accustomed to getting their own way: not hesitating to use their natural charms and their innate ability to blatantly manipulate while remaining likeable to achieve it. But they both had good hearts and their game never had the sting of true battle.

Their families, The Blacks and The Kings, had long known each other; had family members marry into the other in each generation, but they became even more entwined as they found a common interest in the form of Lord Voldemort. As they grew up, Sirius and Ashlin both listened with growing unease and anger to the rants of their parents. Realising your parents are flawed is hard at any time, but when you disagree so strongly with their opinions….

One day, during the holidays of her Sixth Year, it became too much for Ashlin. Whilst she and her parents were visiting the Blacks, she excused herself to use the bathroom, needing a reprieve from the constant mud blood bashing and lectures on how the younger generation had to keep the blood lines pure. Unlike her family, she tried to be tolerant of others and didn't really care about the so called purity of blood - an opinion she made sure she kept to herself. She sank to the cold bathroom floor, sighing as she wondered how long she could hide in here before her absence was noticed.

Sirius, who had escaped the ranting by locking himself in his room, unknowingly walked in on her. He was all set to tease her, until he saw her face, her drained expression so very similar to the one he found himself wearing so often. His mocking countenance faded and he sat down next to her.

They sat in silence for a while then she said quietly, 'It just gets too much sometimes.'

He reached over and took her hand. 'I know,' he said softly.

* * *

From that day, their competition eased, as a mutual attraction was realised. During their final year of school, Ashlin often found herself almost mesmorised by the sound of his voice; the smooth movement of his body, and, in turn, Sirius found his eyes drifting to her far too often, unable to help himself. They fought the pull of the other: their friends; their house would have been vehemently opposed to a union between the two, although their families would have thoroughly approved of a pure blood match. They concentrated instead on their NEWT exams.

They came close on their last night at school, coming across each other in the hall. An awkward conversation tapered off into silence as his blue-grey eyes met hers, Ashlin almost breathless from the longing she saw there, knowing it was reflected in her own.

'Ash…' he whispered, then James Potter called his name and the moment was broken.

'Bye,' he said, turning reluctantly and she echoed his farewell, leaving sadly to finish packing. They lost contact as real life took over.

* * *

They didn't set eyes on each other for years until Sirius was called to Albus' office one day and saw her sitting there. She thought she'd always remember how he smiled that day - it had lit up the room and the joy it contained was aimed entirely at Ashlin. Her heart had leapt, beating so fast it seemed impossible that it wouldn't give out.

It had taken Sirius' enthusiastic endorsement for Albus to allow her join the Order, assuring the man that she was to be trusted. She'd begun to distance herself from her family after she was unable to continue to hide her distaste for their life and she was living on her own, away from their influence. Dumbledore asked the both of them to keep her involvement in the Order quiet - supposedly for Ashlin's protection from possible retribution but, even then, he was developing an idea; a way to use her connections.

The two young people went for a walk after the meeting and talked and, for the first time in his nearly twenty years, Sirius Black was completely and utterly smitten.

* * *

He cornered her at the small flat she was renting after weeks of what he considered emotional torture. She was on his mind all day, every day, distracting him from the tasks Dumbledore set him, and he couldn't stand the torment of not knowing if his feelings were returned any longer.

'I can't…I can't stop thinking about you,' he admitted when she answered the door. 'What have you done to me, Ash?'

She looked surprised and said, 'What?' but he shook his head then lowered his face to hers and kissed her.

Ashlin pulled away at the touch of his lips, startled and half wondering if this was a trick.

'I thought we'd finished with these games?' she asked then her heart sped up when she saw the vulnerability in his face. 'You're not kidding?'

He shook his head again, then ran a hand through his black hair. 'No,' he confirmed, looking confused. 'I don't know what's happened but…I can't breathe properly around you; I can't think about anything but you; If you're in the room, I can't see anyone else.'

A small smile curled her lips and he groaned. 'You love this, don't you?' he muttered crankily. 'Now you've got something over me…'

She cut his words off, cupping his face and pressing her lips to his quickly. 'I can't stop thinking about you either,' she whispered, praying with every fibre of her being that this wasn't a prank.

But when she saw his smile and his lips brushed hers gently, she knew in her heart that this was something real.

* * *

A Slytherin and a Gryffindor who were so much alike should never have been so good together. But they were.

They talked a lot, finding some quiet time together almost every day for many weeks. Both were busy with the Order, Sirius sent on missions; Ashlin working for Dumbledore himself. But they found time to be together: apparating to a designated meeting spot - even if only for a minute to ensure the other was alright and to get the contact, physical and emotional, that they both needed; craved.

Deciding to keep their developing relationship a secret was simple - it was very early on and they weren't sure their friends would understand. They met in quiet Muggle coffee shops and other out of the way places - never at each other's flats in an attempt to avoid the temptation to push a physical relationship. Both had rushed into this kind of thing before but this was different. This was too special to ruin by hurrying it.

Finally, the sexual tension became too much and Sirius invited her around to his place for dinner. The food was left to go cold, though, as they kissed, really kissed like neither had before, for what felt like hours on his couch. For the first time, they allowed their hands wander, touching each other almost with reverence. When they were breathless and so incredibly turned on they were aching, Ashlin pulled her mouth away.

'Tell me you think we're ready,' she begged and he chuckled.

'I know it's been hard,' he admitted, nipping her jaw lightly when she giggled at his unintentional double entendre. 'But I wanted to wait to make sure…well, you know.'

'No,' she said, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt, her fingers brushing over the skin on his stomach and making him shiver. 'Explain yourself, Black. Don't you want to shag me?'

'Of course I bloody want to! Jesus, do you know how often I jerk off thinking of being with you on those cold, lonely nights abroad? I've never waited this long before. I didn't want to rush this,' he tried to explain. 'You know, I wanted to make sure you were… it.'

'It? Neither of us are virgins, Sirius,' she began in confusion. 'It's not like we've been saving ourselves…' But he shook his head.

'I know. I'm not good at this, with words,' he said, frustrated that once again, she turned him into a babbling idiot with minimal effort. 'I just…you're different, Ash. I didn't want to spoil it. I wanted to… Shit!…I love you, ok?'

Ashlin stared at him then smiled. 'Well, that's alright then,' she murmured then kissed him. 'I love you too.'

He laughed and kissed her hard. His fingers moved to the buttons on her shirt and started to release them.

'Should we end the embargo then?' he asked, his words muffled against her lips.

She nodded and helped him get her shirt off then yanked his over his head.

'I wanted our first time to be slow,' he muttered, their hands frantically working on each other's jeans.

'Next time,' she replied a little breathlessly, his mouth having just moved to lick at her nipple.

As soon as their jeans were off, they fell on each other, only slowing down when Sirius entered her, sliding inside her. Once he was fully encased in her, he paused, both of them savouring the long awaited contact.

'Perfect,' he said on a gust of breath. 'We're perfect, Ash.'

'Yeah,' she breathed, unable to quite believe how incredibly right this felt. 'Yeah, we are.'

A few deep, plunging strokes was all it took to send Ashlin screaming over the edge, her orgasm rocking her. Her tightening body was too much for Sirius to stand and he cried out, holding himself deep inside her as he came, his release shaking him from head to toe.

She spent the night in his bed and just before they fell asleep, he said again, 'I really do love you, Ash.'

* * *

During the following weeks, they talked about a future together. 'When all this is over, I'm going to do the only thing I've ever done that will make my parents happy,' he told her one night, cradling her to his chest after she'd ridden him until they both exploded noisily. 'I'm going to marry you.'

'Don't I get a say?' she teased, turning over to look down at him.

'Weren't you just listening?' he retorted. 'I asked a few minutes ago while you were fucking the life out of me...and you screamed "yes, yes, yes" at the top of your lungs...' He laughed as her fingers found his sensitive ribs, tickling him until he begged for mercy.

It wasn't until a long time later that he turned to her and asked, 'What would you say? If I asked you to marry me?'

Ashlin smiled at him, blinking to try and force the tears down. 'I'd say yes, of course,' she whispered and he smiled.

'When it's all over, honey,' he promised. 'We'll spend the rest of our lives making up for this time we have to spend apart.'

* * *

Only a few months later, Sirius broke her heart, distancing himself from those he loved to try and protect them as he accepted the role of Secret Keeper for the only person he loved almost as much as he did Ashlin. Few people knew about their relationship, but he refused to take the chance that she would suffer for his choice.

She never believed he betrayed the Potters. Riddled with grief and determined to prove his innocence, she agreed to Albus' suggestion that she remain a double agent and, for all these years, she had kept her mask on; never let anyone think for a second she could be acting. She'd stayed in close contact with the remaining Death Eaters, ensuring she fed any information that was worthwhile back to Albus and four and a half years ago, she had been the one to warn Albus that Voldemort's return was looking imminent.

She went about her task with growing disgust, both in herself and those she surrounded herself with. She went about her task, constantly searching for the allusive proof that Sirius had not betrayed his friends. She thought about him every day. She missed him every day.

It had been fourteen long years - but now, Sirius was back. And they were once again, on opposing sides.

**A/N: Please review. I'm not too proud to beg. I am down on my knees right now, I swear. I need feedback for this fic to inspire me to finish it.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to all who've reviewed this for your supportive comments. They are definitely helping me finish this off. **

**WARNING: _non consensual sex, self harm_. And smoking is so NOT cool. Don't do it! **

* * *

_**Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. - Michel de Montaigne**_

**A month later**

'Put that out,' Severus demanded, walking into the living room and glaring at Ashlin.

'Why?' she sneered, looking at him from her perch near the open window. 'Afraid the smell will take away from the light and breezy feel of the room?'

He only stared stonily at her and she sighed heavily, taking one last long drag of her cigarette then flicking it out onto the street.

'I have few pleasures in life these days, Severus,' she complained, shutting the window. 'Why do you feel the need to deny me the one thing that brings me any satisfaction?'

'It's a filthy Muggle habit,' he growled, sitting down and pulling a newspaper into his lap.

'There's nothing of interest in there,' she informed him, sliding off the table she'd been sitting on and walking across to him.

'I'll make up my own mind about that,' he muttered, flipping the page.

They sat in silence for several minutes, Ashlin fixing her unwavering gaze on him, Severus ignoring her. Despite being in the same house and grade at school, they'd never been close. She had learnt more about him this last month than she had in seven years of schooling, and she knew that right now, despite his apparent nonchalance, she was annoying the hell out of him.

He put the paper down before he'd finished and glared at her, unable to completely disguise his irritation at her continual staring. 'Dumbledore asked me to pass a message along to you. Lupin will not be sent to the werewolves until the summer,' he said. 'Albus has other tasks for him for now.'

'Which are…?' she asked but he shook his head.

'If he wants you to know, he'll tell you,' he said snidely and she stood up.

'I've been here nearly a month and I feel like I'm going insane,' she whinged, pacing the room. 'At least you can escape to Hogwarts. Give me something to do, Severus.'

He watched her move with growing interest - her long, sinuous steps reminding him of a large cat, a panther, or tiger, caged and restless. She used to be beautiful. Now…

Ashlin had the kind of looks that didn't disappear and her face still retained some vestiges of the beauty she used to torment their fellow classmates with. A few months with no cares and some decent meals would soon bring back the looks and figure she used to take for granted. He felt his body stir as his eyes roamed over her - it had been a long time between women.

'Something to do…' he murmured thoughtfully, tapping a finger against his lips, and she stopped, recognising the tone in his voice.

'Are you serious?' she frowned, glaring at him. 'You want to screw?'

He stood up and smoothly moved to stand in front of her. 'You wanted something to do,' he reminded her, putting a hand on her chest and pushing her back against the wall.

'Severus…' she began but his head lowered and she felt his teeth sinking into her neck.

* * *

For a moment, the panic came, fresh as it had the first time a Death Eater had used her for his own purposes, but it faded quickly now, leaving only acceptance of what was about to occur. Sadly, she was too used to this.

She felt his hands, surprisingly gentle, pushing her robes apart then yanking her skirt up to her waist. Severus pulled away and pointed a wand at her. A flash of colour caught her eye and she realised he'd altered her hair colour. It was now red and straight instead of blonde and wavy.

'Look at me,' he whispered harshly and she knew better than to disobey him.

She'd played this game with him before. Another spell and she knew he'd changed the colour of her eyes and transformed her features.

'Don't close your eyes,' he ordered harshly, then tried to kiss her.

'No,' she said, turning her head. 'No kissing.'

'Ashlin,' he growled but she shook her head.

'My only rule, Severus, you know that. You kiss me, you lose your tongue,' she said firmly and was grateful that, at this stage, he was too turned on by the image of Lily Potter nee Evans to argue.

As his lips moved over her neck, she recalled her surprise when he'd first done this, not long before the Potter's deaths all those years ago and again just after. He never changed her face back when he left - Ashlin recognising the woman he'd turned her into.

She felt his hands pulling her underwear off and stifled a shudder. She hated this. Hated that she had to give over possession of her body as well as her soul for this task.

He was gentler than most of the others. When he lifted her leg, he pushed his cock inside her hard but not punishingly, and although the invasion still burnt and tore at her flesh, it was a pain she'd become accustomed to. She closed her eyes, trying to escape; to allow her mind to drift to another place but he wasn't having it.

'Open them,' he grunted, as he pounded inside of her and she did, staring at him.

He thrust harder as he looked into her eyes, slamming her back into the wall painfully. His fingers bit bruisingly into her thigh and, with his other hand, he grasped a handful of her now red hair, burying his face in the strands. He cried out, yanking on her hair as he came inside Ashlin - while thinking of Lily Potter.

* * *

As was his habit, he left immediately, leaving her to change her face back to her own. She sighed and pulled her skirt down, waving her own wand over herself, casting Cleansing and Contraceptive spells before transfiguring her face back to normal.

'Why does he do it?' she wondered, not for the first time. 'It obviously hurts him.'

She curled up on the couch, bringing her legs up to her chest and hugging them. Rape was part of the Death Eater way - they used their women, the single, unclaimed women, for their own fun. The first time, she'd fought - hard - and paid for her actions as she was torn up inside and out. She soon figured out that the more she fought them, the more excited they got and they came to her more often - every night for a few weeks until she learnt to lie there and take it.

Then, the Dark Lord disappeared and the rapes mostly stopped as his supporters were dragged one by one to Azkaban. When she moved back into his house over a year ago, Lucius started to come to her for fun when his wife turned him away. She couldn't deny him - he'd remember and, to be honest, by then she barely felt anything, lying numb as he thrust inside her. At first, she'd tried to pretend it was Sirius she was with to get through it, but she felt as though she was dishonouring him by doing so. So she just let herself go limp as her mind retreated, leaving her body to revisit a better time until they were done with her.

The only thing she refused to do was kiss them. Kissing was intimate; kissing was something you did with a lover. With such close face to face contact, you couldn't hide anything from each other and she wouldn't give these bastards anymore of herself than she had to. Fortunately, Severus and Lucius were the only ones who were bothered about kissing, but even they accepted her 'no' when she gave it - although it had taken her biting a chunk out of Lucius' lip to get him to give up.

Ashlin groaned as she sat up, still able to feel Severus' lips on her neck, the outline of his fingers were imprinted on her leg. She walked to the bathroom, turning the water on - hot and hard then collected a nail brush from her bag. Stepping into the shower, she resisted the urge to scream and jump out again when the scalding water hit her skin. Biting her lip until it bled, she waited until her skin was red, burning from the spray then ran the bar of soap over her body. Picking up the nail brush, she started her usual routine after sex, scrubbing every inch of her body - inside and out - ensuring she could no longer feel his touch.

This 'purification' ritual had become a habit - she didn't feel clean again until she'd done it. Hell, she _never _felt clean - this was just the only way she could survive. But even with the ritual; even though she let her mind float away, she still remembered. No matter how hard she tried - she could recall every single man; every single time; every single detail of what they did to her.

No matter how hard she scrubbed her skin, she couldn't erase those memories

Once her skin had been cleansed to just short of bleeding, she turned the water off and got out of the tub. She avoided looking in the mirror - the shower helped but it couldn't work miracles. She would still look just as awful as she had last time she saw herself.

Dressing, she sighed. Sex for her and Sirius had been amazing - he was thoughtful and knew instinctively what she wanted and how she wanted it. The last time she'd gotten any pleasure from sex had been their last time together, the night before he broke it off. She winced, closing her eyes tight. It hurt to think of him; to think of that time in her life, so she banished the memories, taking a deep breath before going to make herself something to eat.

* * *

**Three months later**

'What happened?' she demanded as soon as he entered the room. 'Who's hurt?'

'Arthur Weasley,' he said, sitting heavily on the conjured chair opposite her. 'How did you and Severus miss this? The Dark Lord himself going into the Ministry…'

'I _did _warn you he was impatient. That you needed to put extra guards on the prophecy in case of something like this. I wasn't aware he would be making the attempt so quickly. Unfortunately, the Dark Lord does not see fit to share every detail of his plans with us,' she snapped, rubbing her forehead, relieved the injured Order member wasn't Sirius. 'Is Weasley alright?'

'He will be,' Albus murmured then looked at Ashlin. 'Severus seems to believe…'

'Get the boy to understand,' she interrupted, standing up. 'Severus has told me how obstinate he can be but he _must _learn to employ Occlumency. I know what Severus believes and I can confirm his suspicions. The Dark Lord _does_ know of the connection between their minds. I overheard him today while…'

She stopped and clenched her jaw. She'd been preparing for another purifying shower when she'd overheard some 'pillow talk' between the two men who'd just brutalized her. The Dark Lord himself and Lucius Malfoy. Frustrated after his failure to achieve his objective at the Ministry, Voldemort took his anger out on Ashlin, inviting (ordering) Lucius to participate when the man happened upon them.

Dumbledore frowned and reached out for her face, touching one of the many bruises that were just beginning to blossom over her body.

'How…?' he asked but she pulled away from his touch, standing abruptly.

'You know how I get the most useful information for you, Albus,' she snapped, resenting that his voice held concern when he had sentenced her to this fate. 'Just tell the boy how important it is he listens to Severus. I'll let you know if there's any other news.'

She walked to the door and nearly missed his words. 'Sirius asked after you,' he said softly and she froze. 'We were alone while the others were at the hospital and he asked if I knew why you left the Order and where you were now.'

Ashlin turned around slowly and looked at the man. 'And what did you tell him?' she said softly.

'I told him I didn't know,' he said, standing and staring directly at her. 'He asked if I could look for you; if I could find you and tell you…'

'That he is innocent,' she said softly and he nodded. There was a long moment of silence then…

'Do you tell me this to torture me, Albus?' she asked, unable to hide the pain in her voice. 'To torment me by dangling the one thing I want and can't have over my head?'

'No,' he insisted, moving closer. 'I see, Ashlin. I see the darkness swallowing you. I am to blame for that, I know, and that responsibility weighs heavy on me. I tell you about Sirius to give you something to hold onto. I tell you because he is still holding onto you. You are still in his heart and his love for you keeps him from succumbing to the shadows that call for him. I remind you so that he may remain in your heart as well and that your love for him will keep you strong.'

Ashlin blinked rapidly, fighting the despair and frustration rising within her. Did he really think Sirius had ever left her heart; her mind, for one moment?

'Thank you,' she murmured, turning away from him. 'For not telling him what I've become.'

She missed seeing his pained face as she left the room, closing the door softly behind her.

* * *

'What's going on?' she asked arriving back at Severus' house and seeing the activity there. Several Death Eaters were milling around with a party like atmosphere and Lucius approached her.

'We going to have some fun,' he told her, looking more threatening than she'd ever seen him. 'Ministry Christmas party. Can you believe it? Idiots.'

Ashlin smirked, but was distracted looking for Severus. Had he told Dumbledore about this?

'I'll get ready,' she mumbled, weaving through the men, one of whom smacked her on her ass, trying to find Severus without looking obvious.

As she got closer to her bedroom, he appeared, looking a bit startled to see her. 'You're back earlier than I expected,' he said softly then looked up at the other men in the room. Suddenly, he grasped her arm and pulled her to him, latching his mouth onto her neck.

'Mine,' he called to the room, dragging her back to the bedroom to the other men's laughter and complaints. He locked them into her bedroom and let her go.

'I have to let Albus know,' he said urgently. 'It's an administration party - Improper use of Magic. Those pencil pushers won't stand a chance. I can't believe Fudge would be so stupid…'

'You know he doesn't believe the Dark Lord has returned,' she said, sitting on her bed, watching him open her bedroom window.

'Well, let's see what he thinks after tonight,' he muttered, turning to look at her. 'I'll be a few minutes. I can't risk sending a Patronus; I have to go myself. You stay in here and cover… and try to sound as if you're enjoying it for a change.'

Ashlin glared at him then shut the window once he'd climbed out of it. She sighed and pulled her clothes off, dressing in her black robes then sinking back to the bed. Whenever she heard footsteps coming close, she bounced up and down on the mattress, making the bed creak and groan as if a vigorous coupling were taking place.

There was a knock on the door several minutes later but when she called out, 'Fuck off!' in a passable imitation of Snape and sped up the bouncing, she heard a chuckle then footsteps away from the room.

Two more minutes and she was getting concerned, doubting the men and women outside would believe Severus had this kind of stamina. She jumped when she heard a slight pop. She saw Severus on the other side of the window and flung it open quickly.

'Fuck, it's freezing out here,' he complained, waving her offered hand away as he heaved himself back inside.

'Well?' she asked and he nodded.

'They'll be there,' he confirmed then looked at her. 'Stay as close to me as you can tonight.'

'I can look after myself,' she told him, going to the door.

'I'm perfectly aware of that Ashlin,' he snapped, straightening his robes. 'But your boyfriends' old friend will be there and Albus does not wish for him to see you.'

'Remus is going to be there?' she asked and he nodded.

'He was at Headquarters when I arrived,' he said, joining her at the door. 'Albus knows you'll have to go, but do not let Lupin see you. Albus does not wish for Black to know where you are and Lupin is incapable of keeping anything from him. Are you ready?'

She mumbled an agreement and they joined the others, Ashlin sighing at the cat calls. A few minutes later, the drinks were put down as Lucius signalled it was time to go.

**R and R, please!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi all! Thanks for your feedback from the last chapter. I'm travelling quite well with this ending of this now but I'll still got a few chappies left I reckon. I know this is under 'Remus' and we finally see him this chapter. Cheers, honeys!**

**WARNING: Very brief reference to rape.**

* * *

**_The truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde_**

Chapter Six

It all seemed a blur at first - all the sounds running together. The numerous pops of the Death Eaters appearing in the midst of the party; the screams as the party goers realised what was happening and tried to run or apparate to safety; the dance music in the background still playing as if everything hadn't just gone to hell.

Flashes of colour burst all over the room as the brave fought back. For a while, the fight was even. There were a lot more Ministry employees, but they were mostly office workers: secretaries, pencil pushers. The sheer number of them made up for their lack of experience, making it possible for them try to fight off eleven Death Eaters determined to wreak as much havoc as they could. Ashlin recognised some faces from school and again wondered why the hell she was still doing this; why she hadn't put herself out of her misery.

Slowly, though, they fell. One by one, the Ministry workers dropped: screaming in agony from curses, or silently, eyes open and lifeless. But the most horrifying, the ones that Ashlin knew would haunt her dreams, were the ones that just moaned or made an eerie gurgling noise and looked up at her with pleading eyes as the life drained from them.

Ashlin and Severus tried to defend themselves; tried not to use force but it soon became necessary. Severus was the first to crack, Stunning a particularly aggressive man. As Ashlin also bought down her first casualty, she saw Lucius grab a young woman, pulling her flush against his body before tearing her shirt open and pawing at her. The woman screamed hysterically and Ashlin felt a rush of anger that someone else was going to have to go through the pain of being forced. She felt sick and aimed a careful hex at the woman, Stunning her, then watching her fall lifeless out of Lucius' arms.

The blonde roared in anger, turning to try and see who'd cursed her. Ashlin knew he'd leave the woman alone now - Lucius liked it when his victims fought him. A hex grazed her arm and she let out a cry of pain as the force of it spun her around. A young man aimed his wand at her again but before he could cast a spell, he fell to the ground with a little gasp. Ashlin turned to see Severus, wand arm dropping, glaring at her.

'For Merlin's sake, be more cautious,' he hissed before they were all distracted by several loud pops and a sudden explosion of white light.

The Order had arrived.

* * *

Shouts of shock and warning rang out around the room as the Death Eaters turned to now fight more equal foes. The battle took on a different intensity and soon, Severus found himself separated from Ashlin, who was fighting a woman she knew was an Auror, Nymphadora Tonks. The women were easily matched but Ashlin only defended herself against the other woman's hex's, waiting for the chance to take her out without hurting her too badly - The Order couldn't take any losses. The opportunity came when Tonks, distracted slightly by another Order member falling nearby, lowered her guard for just a moment, allowing Ashlin to get a Stunner through. The pink haired woman dropped to the ground immediately and Ashlin turned, finding herself face to silver mask with Remus Lupin.

One of Sirius' best friends, Remus had been the only one to treat their relationship with genuine respect. James and Lily tried but old prejudices die hard, James unable to understand why Sirius had 'chosen' to fall for a Slytherin and Lily following his lead. They weren't rude, but they made no effort to support the young lovers either.

Remus, though, made an effort to include Ashlin in their plans and tried to get to know her a little, telling Sirius that he liked her and was happy that his friend was happy. Ashlin respected the man, even finding she was comfortable with his lycanthropy (going against everything she'd been raised to believe), thanks in no small part to Sirius' complete acceptance of it. Seeing him now bought all the old memories back and, for a moment, she was frozen.

Remus raised his wand and she was shaken from her stupor, quickly shooting a Stunner at him. He returned volley and they fought - dodging and ducking each other's spells and curses as the battle raged around them. She noticed he wasn't using Unforgivables - preferring to try and get Stunners or Body Binds around her shield and she did the same. She ducked as his Stunning spell just missed her head, soaring into the wall behind her and sending chunks of plaster raining down on them both.

Suddenly, Ashlin heard Lucius call out to retreat. The Order's presence had tipped the balance and the odds were now against the Death Eaters who, being Slytherins, knew when to bail out to save their own skins.

Ashlin threw a last Stunner at Lupin, who ducked to dodge it, then thought of Severus' house as she prepared to apparate. Before she completed her turn though, Remus grabbed her arm. She tried to wrench it out of his grasp, the two of them struggling for a moment before his elbow hit her jaw, knocking her mask off.

Her eyes widened and they stilled. Remus' face left no doubt that, despite the great difference in her looks, he'd recognised her, his next words confirming it.

'Ashlin?' he whispered, stunned into dropping her arm. '_Ashlin_?'

His voice was disbelieving and she took advantage of his shock, stepping away from him and disapparating back to Severus' house.

'Shit!' she muttered once she was safely in the house, alone for now. 'Shitshitshit!'

* * *

**That same night - Order of the Phoenix Headquarters**

'It was _Ashlin_, Albus,' Remus said angrily. 'Ashlin King. I did _not_ imagine her nor was it someone that looked like her. It was Ashlin!'

As soon as the casualties had been healed and everyone had settled down after the confrontation with the Death Eaters, Remus had demanded an audience with Dumbledore, telling him what he'd seen and wanting answers. The wizard had immediately tried to fob him off by saying he was mistaken but Remus knew what and who he had seen, refusing to accept he was wrong.

'Kindly keep your voice down,' Albus asked, casting a silencing charm around the bedroom they'd retreated to.

'You told Sirius you didn't know where she was,' he said with a frown. 'How could you not have? She's gone from Order member to Death Eater. You had to have known…'

'I knew,' the older man hissed, his face pained. 'Who do you think it is she reports to?'

Remus' anger deflated at the man's confession and he sank down onto the bed behind him. 'She's a spy?' he asked, his frown deepening. 'How long?'

Albus sighed and sank down into a chair. 'Since just before Sirius went into hiding; before James and Lily were killed,' he replied and Remus looked stunned.

'_All this time_?' he said in disbelief. 'She's been a spy for you all this time?'

Albus nodded and Remus sat back, his mind spinning.

'She wanted to help, to do something constructive and…I'm afraid I used her Slytherin connections to gain knowledge about Voldemorts' plans,' Dumbledore said, his voice sounding older, wearier than Remus had ever heard it before. 'That was my strategy from the start; the reason I invited her into the Order. I had always intended for her to become what she has.'

Remus looked up at the man and was shocked to see that, for the first time, the indefatigable wizard looked tired and worn down. Remus felt a tremor of fear. If they did not have Dumbledore, the battle was already lost.

'I saw the connection between them at school,' the bearded man continued, not able to meet Remus' eye, relieved in a way to finally tell someone; to confess. 'She and Sirius. And their families had always been close. When she came to me, I couldn't believe my luck. I arranged for them to meet and tried to throw them back together. I wanted Sirius to get to know her; to see how I could use her. I didn't know they would…'

He faltered then looked up at Remus, as if begging him to believe him. 'I didn't know they would fall in love. Although,' he said, looking away again. 'It suited my purpose in the end.'

He stood, pacing the worn carpet. 'I wasn't sure how I was going to part them once they fell for each other; how I'd convince her to do my will,' he explained, gesturing sharply as he spoke. 'Then, I discovered the Potters were being hunted and everything fell into place. Sirius was to become their Secret Keeper and Ashlin…Ashlin wanted to be accepted; to help in the fight; to get Sirius back safely. She came to me - for help; for guidance, and I saw she was ready. That she was willing to do almost anything to help Sirius.'

'So you asked her to become a double agent?' Remus asked, watching the man move, his agitation obvious.

He nodded. 'She had connections no one else but Sirius had, and I couldn't exploit his blood line. He was considered a traitor. But Ashlin was still believed to be one of them. I had deliberately kept her involvement in the Order quiet, hoping that this opportunity would arise. She infiltrated the Death Eaters using her past connection to the Black family - Narcissa and Bellatrix. It took some time for her to prove herself, but she succeeded and was marked.'

Dumbledore closed his eyes. 'Very soon after, Lord Voldemort killed James and Lily and was vanquished. Sirius was imprisoned. Ashlin was…devastated and, in that state, it was easy to convince her to remain in my service; as my spy. And she has. All this time she has been loyal to me.'

The younger man looked down at the floor, creases in his forehead as he tried to absorb everything he'd been told. Ashlin had disappeared at the same time that Sirius had gone into hiding and, after the Potters deaths, he'd assumed that she'd had something to do with the murders but had gotten away while Sirius had been caught. When the Animagus came back, he'd asked about Ashlin, confirming she'd had nothing to do with James and Lily's deaths, and Remus wondered what had become of the woman.

'Remus, I must ask you not to share this information with anyone,' Albus said softly and Remus looked up at the bearded man.

'Sirius would want to know,' he began, but Dumbledore shook his head.

'He cannot know,' he insisted. 'He grows more reckless every day. He would leave to search for her and put himself and the rest of the Order at risk. I cannot allow it, Remus. That is why I refused Ashlin when she found out we were harbouring him…'

'Ashlin asked to see him?' Remus interrupted.

Dumbledore nodded. 'Back in September. I refused her,' he said, 'Ashlin is an invaluable source of information, Remus. And… I fear she is in far too deep now to just walk away.'

'He still loves her, Albus,' Remus said quietly. 'He's spoken to me about her since he returned - that's how I knew she'd been in the Order back then. For all these years he's clung onto all the memories he could, not letting Azkaban take them from him. Even though they weren't happy memories - having to leave her behind - they helped him get through. It may help him now just to know that she didn't desert him or give up on him. You know what his state of mind is …'

Albus shook his head again. 'You think he would be content to leave things as they are?' he asked, seeing Remus' shoulders droop in resignation. 'That he could accept that, for the moment at least, she is lost to him?'

Remus didn't answer, but he didn't need to. They both knew how Sirius would rage; how he would demand Albus bought her back; what he might do if he was refused.

Albus stood, agitated. 'Neither of them are the same people they were all those years ago. Sirius has changed and Ashlin…she has managed to survive the kind of suffering that no person should have to endure. I am…ashamed, deeply ashamed, of my role in making her who she is now. She is not the woman he fell in love with. Not anymore.'

They sat in silence for several minutes, lost in their own thoughts. Albus looked at the scarred man in front of him.

'I could Obliviate you if you don't feel you could keep this from him,' he said but Remus shook his head, making a decision.

'No,' he said softly, standing up. 'I won't tell him. I don't know if it would hurt him more to think she believes him guilty of betrayal, or that she still loves him but can't come back to him. But you are right. He would not allow her to remain where she was, regardless of the effect it would have on the Order. He really does still love her.'

He sighed and looked at Albus with shimmering blue eyes, revealing how much it hurt him to have to lie to his friend. 'She's the only woman he's ever loved, Albus. For his sake, don't let anything happen to her.'

'I will do my best, Remus,' Albus whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you for all the reviews for this fic so far. I'm getting close to writing the ending but seem to have lost my smut groove. Plenty of chappies to go until then though so enjoy.**

**BTW: I know the poem at the beginning is longish but it is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read and I wanted to use it for this chapter.**

* * *

_**Do not stand at my grave and weep, **__**I am not there, I do not sleep. **_

_**I am in a thousand winds that blow, **__**I am the softly falling snow. **_

_**I am the gentle showers of rain, **__**I am the fields of ripening grain. **_

_**I am in the morning hush, **__**I am in the graceful rush **_

_**Of beautiful birds in circling flight, **__**I am the star shine of the night. **_

_**I am in the flowers that bloom, **__**I am in a quiet room. **_

_**I am in the birds that sing, **__**I am in each lovely thing. **_

_**Do not stand at my grave and cry, **__**I am not there. **_

_**I do not die. **_

_**Mary Elizabeth Frye**_

* * *

Chapter Seven

**June (Harry's Fifth Year)**

'The boy is _still _seeing into the Dark Lord's mind?' Ashlin asked disbelievingly, glancing over at Severus.

'Keep your voice down,' he hissed. Wormtail wasn't in the house and, even though he'd ensured the room was soundproof, he didn't want to take any chances that the other man would return earlier than expected. 'The boy is arrogant, headstrong. He believes he knows more than those far more intelligent around him. He isn't trying - or if he is, he is even more pathetic than his despicable father.'

Ashlin's jaw clenched and she paced the living room, Severus watching her. 'The Dark Lord knows of the connection,' she murmured, stopping and staring at him. 'He could use it against him. Does the boy know that?'

'No. Dumbledore does not think it wise to tell him any more than necessary,' he replied then he checked the time. 'I must go. Breakfast will be over soon. It is getting harder for me to leave the castle like this with Umbridge in charge. What are you doing today?'

'Checking up on Greyback,' she told him, finishing her coffee. 'He claims he's making progress with the packs up North but he has lied before to gain the Dark Lord's favour. I'm going to see if he's been in contact with them. If he hasn't, I get to kick some furry ass.'

Severus frowned down at her as she reached for her cigarettes. 'Do not be so flippant when it comes to Greyback,' he warned. 'You are just the kind of treat he enjoys.'

'Concern for me, Severus?' she said, arching an eyebrow as she put the cigarette in her mouth. 'Or worried you'll be given my distasteful task if Greyback should put me out of my misery?'

His dark eyes narrowed and his lip curled in a sneer. 'I am afraid I'm not nearly as talented as you at the tasks the Dark Lord takes the _most_ pleasure in, Ashlin,' he taunted, immediately sorry when he saw the brief flash of hurt in her eyes. She was still in physical pain from the Dark Lords' attentions two nights ago.

She pulled the still unlit cigarette out of her mouth and gestured with it. 'Well, it's lucky for me that I am one of the Dark Lords' favourite play things, isn't it?' she retorted, traces of disgust evident in her voice even as she tried to put on a careless tone. 'He doesn't strike me as someone who easily shares his toys. Perhaps it is Greyback who needs to be careful with me?'

He stared at her, an involuntary twitch at the corner of his mouth betraying his amusement at the way she treated the most feared werewolf in history as she would a disobedient puppy. She was a hell of a tough woman.

She lit up the cigarette and managed one drag before he took it from her hand. 'Don't smoke inside,' he murmured, throwing it into the sink before he left the dark and dingy house.

* * *

Ashlin returned from her visit to the werewolf packs late that night, deciding to visit with the Dark Lord in the morning to share the news that the Northern packs were now under his control, thanks to some fast talking from her. Greyback had done more harm than good - trying to intimidate the alphas, who didn't take kindly to threats. All it took was a mention of the freedoms the Dark Lord offered to get them to pledge their allegiance to Voldemort.

She apparated directly to Severus' Spinners End home, seeing that neither he nor Wormtail was home. She was so exhausted that she stripped and fell onto her bed, asleep in mere seconds. Rough hands woke her an hour later and she prised her eyes open to see Severus standing over her, his pale face seeming to float displaced in the dark.

'You must come with me,' he whispered harshly as she sat up. 'Now!'

She swung her legs over the side of the bed, running a hand through her hair. Severus left her to dress then, when she appeared in the living room, he turned to her, his face strained.

'What is it?' she asked but he shook his head.

'You're needed,' he said abruptly, then grasped her arm and dragged her outside, apparating from his house to the Shrieking Shack.

'Wait here. He won't be long,' he told her, then stared at her for a moment, his expression indecipherable.

She opened her mouth to ask what was going on but he spun on the spot and disappeared.

Ashlin waved her wand and a chair appeared. She sat, wrapping her arms around herself and wishing she'd put on a jumper. It was chilly in the shack. She heard a creaking noise then footsteps coming slowly up the stairs. Heavy footfalls. She frowned. Dumbledore walked lightly; sprightly. This wasn't Albus.

Pulling out her wand, she stood and held it in front of her, ready to strike if she needed to. She and Severus were on the same side. Surely he wouldn't lead her into some kind of trap?

She tensed as the footsteps stopped and the door slowly creaked open. The face that appeared was one of the last she expected to see.

'Remus?' she said in confusion, dropping her wand arm to her side.

He stared at her for a moment, standing in the doorway. Then he stepped forward, walking slowly as if he were carrying a heavy weight.

'Hello, Ashlin,' he murmured softly, waving his own wand, another chair appearing opposite hers. 'Sit down.'

'What's happened?' she asked with a frown, unthinkingly doing as he asked; obeying him as she did Dumbledore. 'Where's Albus? Is he alright?'

'He is at the school,' he said, looking down at the floor. 'He asked me to come to speak with you.'

'Why?' she asked and he looked up at her, his face pained and suddenly, a chill washed over her and she knew.

'Sirius,' she whispered, her breathing quickening. 'Sirius?'

His jaw tensed and he nodded. 'He fell, Ashlin,' he said softly, his grief obvious in his face; in his eyes. 'I'm sorry.'

* * *

Considering her world had just collapsed, it seemed strange that it was so quiet.

Shouldn't she have heard the crashing of every dream she'd held onto; every dream that kept her from plunging a knife into her chest, as they fell down around her?

Shouldn't she have heard her heart breaking; shattering into irreparable pieces?

Shouldn't she have heard the screams that reverberated through her body; echoing off the emptiness within?

Remus' mouth was moving; he was talking to her. It was so quiet. Why couldn't she hear what he was saying?

'Ashlin?' Remus said, calling her name louder now. Her eyes were unfocused, her skull white face frozen. 'Ashlin, are you alright?'

When she still didn't answer, he pulled out his wand again, casting an Enervate spell. He saw her body jolt and she blinked, her gaze slowly fixing on him. She just stared at him, as if trying to work out why he was here.

'How?' she said finally, her voice rough.

'He fell through The Veil at the Ministry,' he said then haltingly retold the story of the night. When he'd finished, he frowned at her. 'You didn't know they were going to the Ministry tonight?'

She shook her head. 'I have different tasks,' she mumbled, her voice trembling and Remus noticed she was shaking badly.

'Why did he go?' she whispered, starting to rock backwards and forwards in her chair, staring unseeingly at Remus. 'Why did you let him go?'

'You know Sirius,' he said, stung by her words. 'Harry was in danger. He _had _to help. No one could stop him, Ashlin.'

He was startled when she stood up abruptly, anger making her eyes dark and stormy.

'_Dumbledore _should have stopped him,' she snapped, fury in her voice. 'He was supposed to be hiding him; protecting him! How did he let this happen? He doesn't even come to tell me himself? Where is he?'

'He's at the castle with Harry,' Remus told her softly. 'The boy is…devastated.'

'He's _devastated_?' she whispered, her voice harsh and cracking with anger. 'It's _his_ fault. Severus is right. He is an arrogant, stubborn brat. If he'd just done what he was told; if for once he'd just listened to those better than him…_he _killed Sirius!'

'No!' Remus cried, standing up. 'Don't say that, Ashlin. Sirius wouldn't want you blaming Harry for this. It wasn't Harry that cast the spell…'

'Who was it? Who did it?' she asked desperately, needing someone to blame; someone on whom she could take revenge.

There was a flash of hatred in his normally gentle eyes. 'Bellatrix.'

Ashlin's face creased in anger and she stared at Remus with fury in her eyes. 'Bellatrix?' she said loudly, realising just how brittle the relationship between Sirius and his cousin really was. 'His own family?'

Remus nodded and ran a hand over his eyes, unable for a moment to hide his anguish. Ashlin looked away. She couldn't see his grief; couldn't cope with his hurt as well as her own.

'Don't, Remus,' she said hoarsely. 'Please don't.'

Her voice broke and the anger disappeared, taking all her strength with it and leaving only the pain. She sank back down onto the chair and buried her face in her hands.

'This can't be happening. Not again. Not when there was a chance...,' she stopped the words as a stab of pain sliced through her chest. 'This isn't how it was supposed to be.'

Remus shook his head. 'No,' he agreed, blinking back the sheen of tears in his own eyes. 'No, it isn't. Ash, are you alright?'

Ash.

No one had called her Ash in years. Sirius was the last one to call her that - the night before he left, whispering it into her neck as he came inside her, following it with 'I love you'. Her face screwed up at the memory as she tried desperately not to allow the tears to escape.

'That's not me anymore,' she told herself, trying to push the pain away. 'That girl, that girl Sirius loved, is gone. She's dead - just like him. I'm a Death Eater now.'

Remus watched her. He had wondered if she really did still love Sirius; whether being amongst the worst that humanity had to offer for so many years had made her incapable of feeling that kind of emotion but one look at her eyes had answered all his questions. He had never seen anyone look so utterly destroyed before and didn't care to ever see it again. He wanted to reach out to her; to help her through this; to let her help him through this. It was human nature to need comfort in times of grief but everything about Ashlin's body language screamed 'get away'.

A minute later, she looked up. Putting the mask back on helped and she felt in control again; the agony not as acute now. Her eyes were dry; her face was blank and Remus was startled by the transformation from anger and pain to…nothing.

'Ashlin, can I do anything?' he asked, concerned by the sudden change.

'Can you turn back time?' she said, standing and walking out the door before he could say another word.

* * *

Remus made his way back to Grimmauld Place, grabbing a bottle of Firewhiskey and ignoring Kingsley Shacklebolt's attempts to talk to him as he walked up the dark hallway to the room he'd been occupying. He hesitated and looked further down the narrow corridor to Sirius' room. Biting his lip, he slowly made his way to his friends' childhood bedroom, opening the door and stepping inside. He closed it softly and locked it behind him.

As he leaned against the door, he let his eyes slowly adjust to the gloom; the murkiness that Sirius had immersed himself in since returning from Azkaban. Looking around, he saw Sirius' belongings, his clothes strewn around on most surfaces; used bowls and cutlery scattered on the floor; the room messy and in need of a good dusting.

'Typical,' he thought with a shaky smile.

Tears welled up in his eyes again and, this time, he didn't try to stop them falling hot and fast down his cheeks as silent sobs racked his thin body. His legs gave way and he slid down the wooden door until he was sitting on the floor, clutching the bottle of Firewhiskey and weeping like he hadn't in many years.

* * *

Ashlin was curled up on Severus' couch when the man arrived home just before dawn, pale and distracted. He walked right past her, checking her bedroom then walking back to the living area with a frown.

'I'm here,' she whispered, startling him.

She'd been on the couch for hours - unable to move; to think. She was fighting the grief that was threatening to swallow her and it was taking every ounce of strength she had to keep it at bay. She couldn't allow herself to feel the loss of the man who'd held her heart for so long. It would be the end of her.

Severus looked over at the couch when he heard her voice then walked slowly across the room, crouching in front of her. His dark eyes searched her blank orbs and he seemed satisfied with what he saw, nodding his understanding. He, oh so gently, slid his arms underneath her and carried her back to her bed, pulling the sheet over her body. Looking down at her, he touched her hand lightly.

'We belong to the dark, Ashlin. We can't afford to love,' he whispered before he quietly left the room.

* * *

**A/N: If you recognise the line 'We can't afford to love" it's because I pinched it from Moulin Rouge.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you for the reviews for last chapter, guys. My idea that posting this would force me to finish it seems to have worked as I'm working on what I think will be the last chapter now. I say 'think' because another storyline kind of reared its head and I'm not sure if I'll follow that through or leave it as I intended to. Anyway, you don't know what I'm talking about just yet...so I'll shut up and let you get on with it.**

**WARNING: Some sex this chappie. Not very descriptive but - there it is. (It'll get better in later chappies)**

* * *

_**The dead cannot cry out for justice; it is a duty of the living to do so for them. - **__**Lois McMaster Bujold**_

Chapter Eight

**Nine months later**

'What do you want, Ashlin?' the dark haired woman spat, glaring at Ashlin as she walked through the great, carved door of Malfoy Manor.

'I answer to the Dark Lord, dear Bella,' Ashlin replied mildly, repressing the familiar jolt of hatred she experienced when she saw the woman. 'Not you.'

'I am the Dark Lord's most trusted…' Bellatrix began but Ashlin interrupted.

'Are you?' she asked, her voice soft but taunting. 'Is it you he chooses for his most important missions? Is it you he calls to his side to confide in? No. No, I believe that's me.'

Ashlin leaned very close to the woman, fighting the urge to rip her throat out. This was the woman that killed Sirius. It took everything she had to stop herself wrapping her hands around her scrawny neck.

'Is it you The Dark Lord wants when he is in his greatest need; when his lust needs sating?' she continued, knowing that she was hitting a nerve. 'Is it you he chooses to lay by his side?'

Bellatrix let out a growling noise and raised her hand to slap Ashlin, who was ready for it. Her arm shot out and she gripped the other woman's wrist painfully, seeing her wince as her fingernails dug in viciously.

'You are _nothing_, Bella,' she whispered spitefully. 'You have failed him too many times. You are finished. I would kill you myself but the Dark Lord insists on being sentimental.'

'You _dare _to threaten me?' the woman said, drawing herself up to her haughtiest. 'A King threatening a Black?'

She moved so her face was only an inch from Ashlins'. 'I know about you and my Mudblood loving cousin,' she whispered with a knowing smile on her face. 'I saw you making puppy dog eyes at each other all those years ago. How quickly would the Dark Lord strip you of his favour if he knew you'd been fucking a blood traitor? Were you bedding the werewolf he kept as a pet as well?'

The sound of bone breaking echoed around the hall and Bellatrix fell to the ground with a cry of pain. She clutched her face, blood streaming through her fingers. Ashlin froze for a moment, her fist throbbing.

'Fuck!' she thought desperately, having let her temper overwhelm her.

'Don't you _ever _suggest such filth to me again,' she hissed, glaring down at the dark haired woman as she invented frantically. 'Your cousin was a talented distraction until I realised what it was he kept company with. And if you should _ever _suggest I would lie with a half breed again, I'll make sure those words are the last you ever utter.'

She turned and walked in long strides down the entrance hall but paused before she knocked on the closed door of the dining room where the Dark Lord had set up his receiving room. She took a deep, shaking breath, trying to calm herself and clear her mind of the panic, anger and self disgust that swirled dizzyingly there. She knew what might happen here today if the Dark Lord thought she'd failed him and needed to be emotionally stronger than she was now.

She sent a silent apology to the heavens, hoping Sirius understood that she hadn't meant what she'd just said - about him or Remus. She knocked, wincing as she unthinkingly used her damaged hand, then pulled her wand out and quickly healed the broken bone.

Wormtail answered the door as she shoved her wand back into her robes and smiled slyly at Ashlin.

'Come in,' he smirked and Ashlin's nose wrinkled, having her suspicions as to what the man was looking so smug about.

'Been living vicariously through Severus again, have you, Wormtail?' she sneered and even in the dim lit room, she could see his face redden.

He'd been spying on her and Severus in the dark man's bed last night. She'd thought she'd heard him scuttling around but at that point of proceedings, she couldn't have cared less if he stood at the end of the bed and jerked off.

She ignored the now squirming Wormtail as she approached the Dark Lord.

* * *

'Ashlin,' he said softly, standing to greet her. 'I require information. Greyback here claims to have the Eastern packs under his control. Is this true?'

Ashlin glanced over in the direction to which Voldemort had indicated, seeing the werewolf standing there in the shadows, a snarl on his face as if daring her to speak against him.

'No, My Lord,' she said, turning back to Voldemort, of whom she was far more afraid. 'It is not. There are still many who follow the alpha, Chamir and, regrettably, Lupin has made headway. Werewolves are secretive by nature and I have not been able to pin down Lupin's visits. I am trying to counteract his influence but unfortunately, Chamir denounces the lifestyle choices of Fenrir and his pack, preferring to try to live peaceably with wizarding kind.'

The Dark Lord's red eyes narrowed and he turned to gaze at a now fearful looking Greyback. 'It is not true,' he insisted, shaking his head. 'They _will_ join you, My Lord.'

The room was silent for a moment then the Dark Lord spoke softly.

'Ashlin, go and get Chamir and bring him to me,' he said, still staring at Greyback. 'I want to hear from his lips that he is ready to join me.'

They both saw Greyback's face blanch and the Dark Lord smiled grotesquely.

'Ashlin, you are to go and… persuade the pack it is in their best interests to fall in alongside me,' Voldemort said, staring at Greyback for another moment then turning his heated gaze to Ashlin. 'I trust this task to you. Do not fail me.'

He turned his glowing eyes back to the werewolf and his tone was menacing. 'Now... leave us.'

He stepped towards Greyback and the man winced. Ashlin quickly left, the half breed's howls of pain sending a shiver down her spine before she disapparated back to Severus' home.

* * *

He was there, and looked surprised to see her. 'I thought you'd be longer,' he said, looking up from his papers. She threw herself down on the couch next to him.

'He preferred to take out his bloodlust on Greyback today,' she told him and he smirked.

'I can't think of a more deserving creature,' Severus said scathingly then looked her over.

'He left you alone?' he asked and she nodded. 'What happened to your hand?'

She looked down and saw her bloodied fist. 'It's Bellatrix's blood,' she admitted, knowing he was going to be pissed at her. 'I … hit her.'

She saw his frown and stood up. 'I know,' she said hastily. 'I let my temper get the best of me but she _knew_, Severus. About me and Sirius. She taunted me and I…'

'...did exactly what she wanted you to do,' he hissed, glaring at her. 'Ashlin, you cannot allow yourself to act on your distaste for her…'

'Distaste?' she said incredulously. 'Severus, the only reason I am still breathing is so I can see that woman dead by my hand.'

'You are being incautious,' he warned and she shook her head.

'I covered,' she told him. He looked sceptical.

'I did,' she insisted. 'She bought it. She thought I was outraged that she'd suggest I would align myself with a traitor, not that I had feelings for Sirius.'

Severus was still staring at her with those dark eyes and she knew he was angry at her for her loss of restraint. She was angry with herself - she could put the whole Order at risk if she didn't remain completely in control of her emotions.

'Severus,' she said softly, moving to him and running a hand over his head. 'It will be alright.' She could feel his tension and her hand moved to his shoulder.

'Severus,' she murmured, pulling his papers out of his hands. 'Don't be angry with me. Enough people hate me. I don't want you mad at me too.'

Her hands cupped his face and she felt his jaw clench. Leaning down, she kissed the jumping muscle.

'Please,' she whispered and pressed her lips against his jaw again before moving them to his neck.

She could feel his pulse speed up then he startled her by grabbing her hips and pulling her onto his lap, hands sliding under her robes. Her mouth moved down his throat, feeling him swallow then her fingers moved to his buttons.

'Not here. Wormtail could come back,' he murmured, pushing her off him and leading her to his room.

* * *

She and Severus now shared a bed on the nights that they were both at his house. He'd surprised her one night a month ago by coming up behind her while she cleaned up their dinner plates and laying a hand on her back. The only time he touched her like this was when he wanted sex, although, thoughtfully, he hadn't come to her for release since Sirius' death.

She had prepared herself for rough hands and sharp teeth so she was startled by the gentle lips that brushed over her neck lightly. His hands came up and moved her hair aside, pressing kisses up her neck, tracing the delicate chord with his tongue. Her breathing sped up, but Ashlin stood a little stiffly. She was unsure as to what he was playing at, but enjoyed the sensations all the same. His tongue curled around her earlobe and her eyes closed as she felt the first, almost forgotten, stirrings of arousal.

She could feel his erection pressing against her hip and had expected him to transform her face into Lily Potter's before he pushed her up against the bench or bent her over the kitchen table. But he didn't.

'Come to my bed,' he whispered into her ear and she turned to look at him, eyes narrowed as she waited for the punch line. The only place they _never_ screwed was in his bed. He was a private man and guarded his personal space aggressively.

'I'm weary,' he said offhandedly when he saw her confusion. 'I haven't the energy or inclination to fuck you into the wall tonight.'

He was lying. She'd gotten to know him pretty well over the past year and a half and she could see that he wasn't being truthful but she didn't question him. She was a good little Death Eater whore so she followed him to his room.

Her hands raised to unbutton her shirt but he turned, halting her actions. He took over, undoing each button and then lowering his head to kiss the patch of revealed skin. Ashlin was puzzled and a little frightened. This was unfamiliar and she knew to be wary of the unknown. She'd learnt from bitter past experience that when they lulled you into security by starting off gently, it usually meant a particularly violent finish.

But not this night.

Severus undressed her slowly - piece by piece - giving the skin under each garment his full attention, until she was trembling. He never tried to kiss her; never pressed his lips too close to her mouth. When they were both naked, he'd taken her hand and they moved to the bed. Severus spent long minutes using his slightly rough but knowledgeable hands, and his equally as talented mouth, to arouse her before entering her and slowly rocking them both to climax, Ashlin surprising herself with her first orgasm in fifteen years.

* * *

She'd left his bed that night, guilt ridden that she had found pleasure with another man while the one she loved was dead. Curling up on the couch, she'd stayed awake, staring out the window as tears silently fell, smoking cigarette after cigarette until sunrise when Severus appeared.

'I'm going to Hogwarts,' he told her, sitting on the chair across from her. 'Albus wishes to see me before classes begin.'

She nodded and he stood up. 'Don't smoke in my house,' he said and she sighed but mumbled an agreement, stubbing out the cigarette immediately.

The corner of his mouth twitched then, as he turned, he said softly,' Please don't leave my bed again, Ashlin,' before leaving the house.

* * *

They both needed this. Needed to feel again. Needed to try and do something to put their painful past regrets behind them and, for a little while, to forget about the new regrets they were creating everyday. So when he came home for dinner that night instead of staying at Hogwarts as he usually did, Ashlin took the lead and this time, she didn't leave his bed afterwards. Instead, she woke up the next morning with a heavy arm across her hips and hot lips on her shoulder.

He didn't transform her features; he didn't call her Lily when he came and, in return, Ashlin bent her rules, allowing him to come very close to kissing her. Their lips brushed each other as he moved inside her but never made firm contact, never actually met. It was an intimacy she just couldn't share with him, and he understood.

This was enough for them both.

It wasn't a love story. They both knew that. This was two desperately lonely people who had suffered too much loss, finding comfort with a like minded soul and, even as they lay physically sated in each other's arms, neither of them forgot the one that was truly in their heart.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hope you are all still enjoying reading this fic. Thank you for your reviews.**

**WARNING: Implied rape, some mild abuse situations, sex scene**

* * *

_**The road to darkness has a way of always knowing my name - **_'_**Nobody Knows' - Pink**_

Chapter Nine

**One month later**

'I'm afraid I have no new information, My Lord,' Ashlin confessed, waiting for the blow to fall.

'I am disappointed, Ashlin,' he said softly, his whispers far more frightening than a raised voice. 'I expected your powers of persuasion to work far more effectively than they have.'

'Yes, My Lord,' she said, knowing it was fruitless to remind him that over the last four weeks, she had convinced several key members of the previously reluctant Eastern packs to join him.

He was silent for several moments, as if waiting for her to defend herself. She did not.

He stared at her. 'And Lupin?' he asked, the man's name sounding as if he had spat it out.

'He is well protected by the Order, My Lord,' she told him. 'And Chamir keeps him hidden. I have yet to see him at the camp. The werewolves who have joined us have told me Lupin is not a regular visitor - he considers the Eastern pack under Order control.'

Untrue - she had warned Remus off, although the man was being ridiculously stubborn, refusing to give up the task.

* * *

'_I have a job to do, Ash,' he'd said calmly when she'd explained why he needed to stay away. _

_She frowned, annoyed at his apparent obtuseness. 'Remus, if I see you there, I'll have to kill you,' she said, speaking slowly, wondering about his mental capacities._

_He chuckled, the laugh growing when he saw the confusion on her face. 'You may try, Ashlin,' he said with a wide smile. 'I welcome the challenge.' _

'_This isn't funny,' she spat, angry with him and she saw his amusement fade. 'This isn't a game. You don't know…you don't have to live with your actions…what you do to innocent…' _

_She bit her lip, hating the weakness in her voice; hating the pity she saw in his eyes. He opened his mouth but she stood up abruptly, cutting off his words._

'_Suit yourself,' she said, thinking she had better things to do than deal with a headstrong werewolf. 'Tell Albus I tried and you were too damn stubborn to take good advice. Either that or you're suicidal.'_

* * *

'I assume you know what you must do if they will not…see reason,' the Dark Lord said, red eyes shining. 'Take whoever you like with you and see the half breeds are given a taste of what happens to those who refuse Lord Voldemort.'

Ashlin felt her heart sink. She had been afraid that he would order a slaughter when her progress was slow and, short of revealing herself as a spy to the alpha, Chamir, she could think of only one possible way to stop it. She looked up at Voldemort; stared him dead in the slitted eye.

'I understand, My Lord,' she said quietly. 'And, of course, I will do your bidding. If it pleases you however, I _would_ like to try to convince them one more time. They will be much more cooperative if they come to you at their own choice. You will never have to doubt a willing servant.'

She stifled her shudder of self disgust as she said the words she'd hoped with all her heart she wouldn't have to.

'I believe I can still achieve my goal without bloodshed but, if not, killing their leader, Chamir, should help them see the light.'

His head cocked to the side as he gazed thoughtfully at her. She did not drop her eyes, allowing him to access the unprotected sections of her mind. Old memories of previous tasks flashed before her eyes and nausea swept through her as she relived some of the worst moments of her life.

'You are trying to save those animals from a slaughter?' he said eventually, his cold, sharp probe withdrawing, and she shook her head, trying to disguise her relief.

'I care not for half breeds, My Lord,' she said softly, forcing a little smile. 'But we are trying to build an army, are we not? We need all the expendable pawns we can gather. Why kill any more than we need to when there are more efficient ways to achieve a goal? If my plan does not work, there is time to use more…forceful methods.'

He smirked, seeming to accept her explanation and his eyes searched hers again.

'Blood sports do not attract you as they do Bella,' he mused, stroking a finger over his lip. 'You and Severus are far more cerebral than my other devotees. Mental devastation is much more fulfilling for you than physical destruction. It did not surprise me when he asked for you.'

He saw the surprise in her eyes that she couldn't hide quickly enough and he smiled that horrifying smile. 'Ah, he didn't tell you. Perhaps the two of you aren't as intellectually driven as I believed - you don't converse while he's fucking you?'

He moved closer and touched her face lightly as his eyes burned with a lust that terrified her. 'Do you miss our time together, Ashlin? I have had to take my pleasure with others since you were given away and I must admit to feeling a loss. You are a very talented whore. Perhaps Severus would not mind sharing with his master…'

Ashlin couldn't stop the involuntary shiver of revulsion, but Voldemort took it as a sign of pleasure.

'I want you on your knees,' he whispered, lip curling. 'On the floor… like the dirty little slut you are.'

He shoved her and she hit the stone floor hard. She immediately acquiesced, getting on her knees in front of him and bracing herself for what she knew would come.

'Do you scream for Severus, Ashlin?' he asked as he slid his robes off his shoulders, leaving him naked, his withered body making her cringe in fear and loathing.

She hadn't answered him immediately and he kicked out sharply, pain shooting through her ribs as his foot made contact.

She gasped and shook her head. 'No, my Lord,' she managed to get out before the pain in her side took her breath away.

'Good,' he said, nostrils flaring as he moved to stand directly in front of her, his arousal unmistakeable. 'You will only scream for me.'

Grasping her hair and pulling her head back cruelly, he leant over and pushed his face into hers. 'Scream for me now, Ashlin,' he hissed, gripping her hair harder then pulling viciously, his lip curling.

Ashlin felt clumps of hair being ripped from her scalp and gave him what he wanted.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, she was trying not to wince as she pulled down her robes. Voldemort watched her from his seat near the fire, smirking.

'You may go,' he said, waving a hand in dismissal.

'Yes, My Lord,' she whispered, turning to leave, limping slightly.

'Bring me that werewolf pack, Ashlin. It would disappoint me if I had to make an example of you,' he called, staring at her hunched frame.

'Yes, My Lord,' she repeated then left the room.

* * *

An hour later, Severus found her, half unconscious in the shower as she tried to perform her punishing cleansing ritual for the first time in months.

'Ashlin!' he exclaimed, flicking the water off, then turning her over onto her back.

He flinched when he took in her injuries, knowing exactly who had given her the cuts and bites that littered her skin. He'd healed her too many times not to recognise the Dark Lord's handiwork and this time it seemed he'd been particularly vicious.

Lifting her, he wrapped her in a towel then carried her to his bed. He waved his wand over her wounds, healing them before he cast a spell to make her more alert. Ashlin let out a little moan as her eyes flickered open and he Summoned a pain potion, holding it to her lips as she drank. She fell back onto the pillows and his forehead creased as he looked down at her.

'Why did he do this?' he asked and she shook her head, feeling much better now as the pain potion kicked in.

'He wanted what he couldn't have,' she told him, watching his face closely. 'You asked for me?'

It was an unspoken agreement amongst the Death Eaters that, once a woman was asked for, she belonged exclusively to one man until he tired of her. That man could choose to share her, but ownership was usually respected by everyone. But the Dark Lord played this game his own way, ignoring and enforcing the rules as it suited him.

She swore that Severus flushed a little but he appeared nonchalant. 'I was tiring of this very thing,' he lied, standing up. 'I thought he would honour our code if I asked for you and I would not have to spend hours healing you anymore. I have more productive things to do with my time.'

'Severus,' she said softly, touching his hand. 'Thank you.'

Women were rarely given away without a price being exacted and she knew his request had most likely caused him to be given a particularly distasteful task, but he had saved her from god only knows how many attacks.

His jaw clenched and he looked uncomfortable with her gratitude. 'I'll get you a drink of tea,' he murmured but she held his hand tighter, pulling him back down to sit on the bed as her towel fell away.

'No,' she said, pain potions having taken the lingering aches away. 'I want you here.'

He looked at her, and she leaned over to kiss him on the corner of his mouth - the closest she'd come to kissing another man since Sirius. Her hands moved to his shoulders, tugging at his robes.

'I don't want to feel his hands on me,' she said, pulling the robes off. 'I don't want what he did to me to be what I think about when I leave you.'

His body had stirred with her touch but he frowned at her words. 'Leave?' he asked and she nodded, fingers working on his shirt.

'I have one last chance to convince Chamir to join us, then, if he still refuses, I am to kill him.'

Severus stopped the movement of her hands and he stared at her. 'They are your orders?' he said and she nodded.

'Voldemort wanted a show of force. He wanted us to go in heavy handed and kill randomly as examples of what we could do but I convinced him that if I killed Chamir, that would be all the incentive they needed to follow him.'

'There are other alpha's in that pack,' he said, the interest his body had in intimacy receding as concern grew. 'If you kill Chamir, they will attack you. They will kill you, Ashlin.'

She bit her lip as she stared at him. 'It's a chance I'll have to take,' she murmured. 'So many more will die if I don't try at least.'

She resumed her task, fingers moving to his belt to try a more direct tactic. 'Please, Severus,' she pleaded. 'I don't want to go to my likely death knowing his touch was the last I felt. I can't stand it.'

She could still feel the Dark Lord's hands on her; his breath on her neck; his body in hers and it felt as if her skin was crawling. She needed Severus to take his lingering touch away.

Severus knew what she needed; why she needed it and couldn't say no. He pulled her over onto his lap then forgot himself, leaning into kiss her. He stopped, realising what he'd been about to do then moved his lips to her jaw instead, pressing hot, open mouth kisses all down her throat. Desire flared fast and their hands moved with haste, removing or adjusting only the clothing they needed to be able to join. His hands moved to her ass, helping her move on him, their ragged breathing the only sound in the room.

She rode him until she cried out, her orgasm shaking her. He held her close as she shuddered, then as her spasms eased, he rolled, letting her fall to the bed as he loomed over her. Lifting her legs to wrap around his waist, he plunged into her again; long, smooth, deep strokes that aroused her all over again. As his thrusts became erratic, he circled a thumb over her clit, shattering her before he also came with a loud moan, his breath and hers mingling as their lips danced lightly over each others' face.

* * *

They lay together for long minutes afterwards, Severus absently tracing a light pattern over her arm. They rarely touched affectionately when they weren't caught up with desire but these may very well be the last moments they spent together and they were clinging to them.

'Dumbledore grows weak,' he said suddenly, his lips brushing over her temple; his voice hushed. 'The poison is spreading.'

Ashlin felt a chill run through her at his words. The old man had been cursed earlier in the year and his health was growing more unstable as the months passed.

'Draco is too secretive,' he told her. 'He won't tell me what he is working on. I know of the task the Dark Lord set him but he is refusing every offer of assistance.'

He paused then ran his fingers up her arm. 'He isn't capable of murder. He has made such desperately feeble attempts…'

'You are going to have to do it, aren't you?' she interrupted, suddenly understanding what he was trying to tell her without betraying a promise. 'Dumbledore would never allow Draco to take his life - he still considers the boy an innocent.'

She turned her head to look into his dark eyes. 'What will we do?'

The corner of his mouth turned up. '_You_ will do nothing,' he said, his hand sliding over hers. '_I_ will do my job.'

She frowned but nodded, rolling him onto his back so she could rest her head on his chest. His fingers combed through her hair, his familiar touch oddly affecting today.

Ashlin fought back her emotional response. 'We could both be dead within days,' she murmured and felt him tense.

There was silence for a few minutes then she heard a whispered word.

'Run.'

She lifted her head to look into his dark, turbulent eyes. 'Run, Ashlin,' he repeated softly, staring at her intently. 'Today. Now. Go to the Order, they'll protect you.'

She was silent for a long moment then said, 'Come with me.'

His forehead creased and when he shook his head, Ashlin smiled sadly. 'You can no more run than I can,' she murmured, stroking a finger over his cheek. 'I don't fear death anymore, Severus. It is the only chance for solace I have remaining - apart from these brief moments with you.'

His jaw clenched and his eyes became softer and remorseful as he thought he saw something flicker in her eyes. 'I wish I could love you, Ashlin,' he said, almost apologetically. 'I want to love you but...'

She traced the line of his bottom lip. 'Lily still holds your heart,' she finished for him.

'As Black holds yours,' he reminded her and she nodded, touching the pad of her thumb to his lips.

'I wish I could love you also, but I can't. Not in the way you deserve to be loved, Severus,' she told him. 'I hope, after all this is over, you give someone more worthy than me the chance to try to earn your heart.'

'My heart is cold and dark, Ashlin,' he murmured, regret obvious in his face. 'Unlovable. But yours is not yet as damaged.'

Shaking her head, she smiled sadly. 'I do not think I am capable of love anymore. Except that which I hold for a ghost.'

Her eyes met his and she leaned forward, brushing her lips so lightly over his that he wasn't certain she'd made contact, but he knew what the small gesture had cost her.

She sighed and whispered, 'Do not go gentle into that good night, Severus,' then kissed him more firmly on the cheek before she pushed herself off of him and left his bedroom.

**_A/N: The line 'Do not go gentle into that good night' is from a verse by Dylan Thomas._**


	10. Chapter 10

**To those who are reviewing - thanks! To those who aren't but who are reading - thanks and I'd love to hear your feedback.**

**WARNING: Contains dark subject matter.**

* * *

_**Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives. **_

_**Richard Bach **_

Chapter Ten

Ashlin waved her wand and her tent folded itself into a square the size of a cube of sugar. She picked it up and put it deep into the pocket of her jeans, knowing that one way or another, she wouldn't be sleeping in it tonight.

'My back couldn't take another night anyway,' she thought, hand rubbing her hip which was seizing up after four days on the ground before she pulled her robes on.

Making her way through the darkening woods, she tried to suppress the butterflies that were fluttering wildly inside her. She was to confront Chamir tonight. By the end of this day, either she would have irreparably torn her soul in half or she would be dead.

'Is there a difference?' she wondered with a slight frown.

* * *

She had tried one last time two days ago to reason with Chamir, who had, for the first time, become aggressive in his refusal of her.

'Wizards have rejected us; driven us from the homes we once had!' he'd screamed at her, his amber eyes flashing with hatred. 'You are content to leave us without rights; without any refuge, to live like animals until you need our help.'

'Under the Dark Lord, you would have more freedom; more scope for whatever it is you want…' she began but he interrupted her.

'Only if we join him; kill for him,' he spat, glaring at her, a snarl on his scarred face. His long grey hair almost bristled as he stomped towards her, Ashlin standing her ground in the face of his fury.

'You pure bloods! You are worse than the Ministry. They at least operate out of fear; out of ignorance, but you lot…you approach us from hate; from years of inbred bigotry and intolerance. Give me one reason, Death Eater; one reason for me to advise my pack to join you.'

Ashlin lifted her chin, facing the tall, fearsome man in front of her and hoping he couldn't smell her fear.

'Because I will kill you if you don't,' she said simply, at which point, he'd thrown her out with a growled warning not to return.

* * *

Unbeknownst to the werewolf, she'd also approached another, more sympathetic, alpha earlier in the week and he agreed that, if she were to kill Chamir, he would take over the pack. Sythe was more bloodthirsty than the others and would demand they join the Dark Lord to protect themselves from further attack. But he would only step up if she killed Chamir.

'I will not do it,' he said with a frown. 'The rest of them would kill me if I tried. It has to come from outside the pack. If they can be shown that Chamir can be taken easily, then they will be frightened enough to follow me and join the Dark Lord.'

Ashlin had never killed before. Maimed, tortured, watched as others made the fatal blow - but she had never taken a life herself.

'One life to save many,' she reminded herself, frustrating herself by both how much she sounded like Dumbledore - and by the fact that she now understood how it felt to bear the weight of responsibility for the survival of others.

* * *

Now, she approached the camp, ensuring she stayed downwind so they did not pick up her scent. 'How to approach this?' she thought, weighing her options.

She could just march on into the camp, point her wand at Chamir and cast the Killing Spell, or she could move with more stealth, trying to catch him alone, kill him by more…hands on means to avoid detection then cast the Dark Mark once he was dead.

The first plan would probably see her dead before Chamir hit the ground; the second option was more of a Slytherin scheme - it seemed weak and gutless. Not what Sirius, the brave Gryffindor, would choose.

Ashlin sighed and tried to push the thoughts of him out of her head. She had to let him go, she knew that. It had been nearly a year since his death but she'd had no closure; no chance to finally say goodbye and move on.

'After all this is over,' she told herself. 'Soon, I'll either be able to farewell him or join him.'

A twig cracked under her foot, sounding like a gunshot in the still woods, and she froze.

'Although if I'm not more careful, I'll be joining him sooner rather than later,' she frowned, waiting until she was sure no one was nearby before she moved again.

* * *

Deciding to go with her cowardly but more sensible second plan, she cast a Disillusionment Spell on herself, watching her body blend into her surroundings. She wasn't invisible, just more difficult to see. The main danger she faced now was that they would smell her, which was why she was going to try and find Chamir's tent and wrap herself in his robes. Hopefully, he wouldn't smell the danger when he entered.

She carefully made her way around the edge of the forest, stopping several times when voices came closer. This pack lived more civilly than any others she'd visited during this task. They lived in tents, set up near a stream and in the middle of the large forest so they always had clean drinking water and a food supply. They were miles from the nearest humans when they transformed and all religiously drank a herb drink made from similar ingredients to the Wolfsbane that allowed a lycanthrope to keep their mind during their change. Though this drink wasn't as effective as the potion, still unable to halt the physical transformation, it stopped the wolf taking over their minds - they still kept some wolfish qualities but were not consumed with bloodlust as they would otherwise have been.

'Fortunately for me,' she thought, looking at the waxing gibbous moon. They should be tiring now as the change approached, and not as vicious as they would be without the herb concoction.

She reached the tent she learned from her earlier scouting that Chamir occupied alone. He had no mate - she'd been killed by some werewolf hunters a year ago. He should be at dinner right now: she could hear the chatter of the various family groups around the communal eating area. Deciding the time was ripe, she pulled out her silver knife and slit the back of the tent carefully, leading with her wand as she stepped through the canvas. It was small - big enough for two or three people - but comfortable. She carefully stepped over a pile of books, moving quickly to pick up a robe, wrapping it around herself then froze when she heard footsteps.

She moved fast, crouching in the corner of the tent, hidden by a trunk. The flap of the tent opened and a tall man stepped inside. He walked to the bedding area and crouched, taking a book off the top of the pile she'd stepped over. Ashlin frowned as she looked at him. It was dark now, the fire outside casting a glow that threw shadows over the tent. Not enough to see much but enough that she could tell this wasn't Chamir. In fact, this familiar figure looked an awful lot like…

_Damn him_!

* * *

Remus lit his wand to see the title of the book in his hand and caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of his eye. He stood and spun around, wand raised, only to see another pointed at him. His eyes widened as he recognised the figure and stepped closer.

'Ashlin?' he whispered, extinguishing his lit wand so her shadow was not seen. 'What are you doing here?'

She threw a worried glance at the entrance of the tent then hissed, 'I told you to stay away from this pack.'

'I have a task as well. I've been speaking with Chamir…,' he began and she flapped her hand at him to try and get him to keep his voice down.

'Remus, leave,' she whispered, moving close to him. 'Please. Go now.'

She prayed he wouldn't ask why but knew he would. 'What are you going to do?' he asked then his face changed as he seemed to understand. 'You're here for Chamir? You're going to kill him?'

'I have to,' she said, casting another anxious look over at the tent flaps. 'If I don't convince them to join, they're dead. All of them. Chamir won't back down. I have to get rid of him to save the others.'

He stared disbelievingly at her. 'You can't do this,' he said softly, taking her hands in his. 'Ashlin, don't do this. Come back with me. The Order will protect you…'

'The Order has _never_ protected me,' she snapped, trying to control her temper. 'You don't understand, Remus. You have back up. You have protection. I'm on my own. I can't win, no matter what I do. I can only try and make the best choice. I can't risk the lives of many for one.'

'I _do_ understand,' he whispered, shifting. 'You think I've got support hiding in the bushes? I was made for this task but I do not enjoy it any more than you do yours.'

He was so close that their bodies were touching and she could feel his hot breath on her face. She felt an urge to reach out for him; to let him take her away, and, confused, she stepped back.

'Don't make me kill you too,' she begged.

He looked pained then he turned, hearing someone calling his name.

'Go,' she urged but he shook his head.

'I can't let you do it, Ash,' he said and her face screwed up as she nearly cried in frustration.

'I'm so sorry, Remus,' she whispered remorsefully, seeing his puzzled frown as she whipped up her wand. She quickly disarmed him then put her knife to his throat, swiftly spinning him around to face the front of the tent.

He gasped as the blade touched his skin, the silver blistering his flesh. He tried to pull away, but she grasped his hair tight in her fist, applying pressure and forcing him to his knees in front of her.

'Don't make me do it,' she pleaded into his ear as she leaned over his shoulder, then let go of his hair, raising her wand as Chamir walked through the tent flaps.

* * *

The werewolf stopped, eyes wide when he saw Remus on his knees, struggling not to cry out in agony as the knife pressed against his throat.

'Call for help and you are both dead,' Ashlin hissed, trying not to let him see how badly she was shaking. 'I'm not here for him. He still has the chance to walk away from this.'

Chamir stepped closer, staring at Remus. 'You are hurting him,' he said calmly and she nodded.

'I didn't have to,' she whispered, unable to disguise the despair in her voice; in her eyes. 'It didn't have to come to this. You know what I need you to do, Chamir. Why won't you just do it? Why are you forcing my hand?'

'You're here to kill me?' he asked calmly and she nodded again. He looked at Remus, who was desperately trying not to pass out from the fierce, burning pain ripping through his body.

'Then let him go and claim me,' he said, looking back at Ashlin. 'Because I will die before I lead my pack to join your Dark Lord. Do what you must, Ashlin.'

* * *

The pain from the touch of the silver was making Remus weak, and he was listing to the side as the others spoke. He couldn't hear their words, his blood rushing noisily through his veins and roaring in his ears. Suddenly, Ashlin let go of him and he fell to the ground, gasping for air as his hand moved to his throat.

He heard a whispered, 'Forgive me,' then the whipping sound of something moving fast through the air.

As a dizzy Remus pulled himself to his knees, something warm splashed across his face and then he heard a bone chilling gurgle. Touching his cheek, he felt a hot, thick liquid then looked up to see Ashlin with wand raised high.

'MORSMORDRE!' she cried and a rush of green light exploded all around them as did the screams of those outside.

In the light, Remus could see the fallen figure in front of her, amber eyes lifeless and, when he looked at his hand, it was covered in crimson. Ashlin turned to him and he saw the dark stain of blood covering her clothes and spotting her face. She grasped the front of his shirt and spun, apparating them to the first safe place she thought of - the Shrieking Shack.


	11. Chapter 11

**Oh, my kingdom to anyone who can tell me why my whole story keeps coming up underlined and in italics when I upload it!**

**Thank you for your reviews for last chapter. I know some wondered about Ashlin's motivation - it was a 'take one life to save many' situation that she handled the only way she knew how. **

**WARNING: Violence, suicide. I don't think it's particularly graphic but maybe skip over that bit if you're squeamish about that sort of thing.**

* * *

**_We couldn't imagine the emptiness of a creature who put a razor to her wrists and opened her veins, the emptiness and the calm. _**

**_"The Virgin Suicides" by Jeffrey Eugenides_ **

Chapter Eleven

Their feet hit the wooden floor of the Shack heavily, making the boards creak alarmingly. Ashlin gasped as Remus' full weight fell against her and they dropped to the ground in a tangle of arms and legs. For several moments, they lay still, breathing ragged as they recovered from their rapid apparition. Remus was the first to move, pushing Ashlin off him roughly and struggling to his feet.

'What did you do?' he gasped hoarsely, his tone accusing.

Ashlin closed her eyes, fighting the tears of despair with the little inner strength she had remaining. She pulled at her jeans frantically, trying to get them off fast. They were sticky with blood and she couldn't stand the wet, clammy feeling against her skin. Remus looked down at himself, seeing the dark spray across his clothes and blanched.

'God!' he spat, tearing off his robes with blood splattered hands. He could feel the drying fluid on his face and hands; could see it on his clothes and he became desperate to get all traces of Chamir's blood off him. 'What are you? What have you become?'

At his condemning words, she sat up, shakily getting to her feet and began pulling her blood stained robe off as well. Long suppressed anger began to swirl inside her and she growled, 'Isn't this what you and your perfect little Gryffindors always thought of me; thought I would end up as? I'm just living up to expectations.'

She threw the robes down and checked her shirt which, thankfully, was clean.

He glared at her, yanking off his jumper which had also somehow managed to get blood on it then started on his trousers. 'We never thought any such thing, Ashlin,' he hissed, toeing his shoes off as he removed his pants. 'But you've just proven how wrong we were to ever trust you. You killed him. In cold blood!'

'You NEVER trusted me!' she yelled, making him stop pulling his clothes off and look at her.

Green eyes were flashing with more emotion than he'd ever seen from her and her face was contorted in anger. 'You think I like what I am? You think I enjoy what I do? Why do you think I do this, Remus? Why do you think I agreed to become what I have? It was for Sirius. For the Order…'

She saw the rage in his eyes and he grabbed the front of her shirt, dragging him towards her.

'Don't you _dare_ speak his name,' he spat, glaring at her in disgust. 'He would be ashamed of you. He would hate you for what you've become. I'm just glad he died before he could find out what you truly are.'

Remus pushed her away from him hard, watching her stumble across the room. He had to get her away from him. He was so angry that he was afraid he'd actually hit her. Turning, he didn't notice her wand come up but seeing the flash, he managed to dodge her curse, swearing loudly.

Anger overtook him and he threw himself at her. He grabbed her arm and twisted it behind her back, wrestling her wand out of her hand. Furious and in pain, Ashlin screamed and kicked out at him hard, knocking his leg out from under him and making him lose his balance. He still had hold of her and dragged her to the ground with him as he fell.

* * *

She fought him: fought him with a fury that she had not felt for over fifteen years. Fought him with the fury that his words had unleashed. She kicked at him; punched at him. He was weaker than usual, upcoming transformation and silver poisoning having taken their toll, but his own anger and frustration gave him strength and he pinned her, laying on top of her so the weight of his body immobilised her. He stared down at her with blue eyes that stirred with the darkness of his condition.

'A quick death like Chamirs' is too good for you,' he snarled, fingers biting painfully into her wrists. 'You deserve an end like those you and yours give those you deem unworthy.'

'Kill me then,' she whispered desperately, an acute hopelessness in her voice that she'd never heard before. 'You could do it. I can see it in your eyes. You could take my life now without a second thought. My knife is in my robes. Slit my throat, Remus, like I did to Chamir.'

Her words; the wretched misery in her voice, made the rage begin to recede and his grasp on her wrists loosened a little.

'Don't think you're above it. You are capable of becoming what I have,' she whispered, unable to stop the tears that rose in her eyes. 'You felt it just then. It's not such a big step, is it?'

His face lost its feral look and he let go of her hands, pushing himself off up and sitting next to her, head in his hands. She lay still for long moments, not trying to stop the hot tears that coursed down her face. She felt him move but was lost in her thoughts - hearing his words resonate in her head.

_He would be ashamed of you. He would hate you for what you've become. I'm just glad he died before he could find out what you truly are._

'Sirius _would_ hate what I've become,' she thought and suddenly, all she could see was the ugliness; the festering sore that was her soul. Her skin was crawling, like she was trying to escape its confines and she didn't think she could stand another moment living inside her body.

Sitting up fast, she startled Remus who looked at her questioningly. He'd conjured a bowl of water and was washing the blood off his skin. As he watched, Ashlin stood up and walked to her robes, rummaging through them.

Remus caught sight of her face and was warned by the empty yet calm expression there. He stood up just as the moon's rays bounced off the blade of the knife she raised high. Remus launched himself across the distance between them as it slashed down but only succeeded in stopping the knife from slicing across her throat, not in time to prevent the first vicious cut down her arm.

'Shit!' he yelped, grabbing the knife by the blade, barely feeling it cutting into his flesh or the burn of the silver as he tore it from her grasp.

'Ash,' he said anxiously, catching her as she fell, life pouring from her torn wrist.

* * *

He lowered her to the ground then crawled across the floor, frantically scrabbled for his wand. His fingers closed around it and he returned to her, alarmed by the blood already pooled alongside her, pumping out of the long, deep wound with every heartbeat.

'Damn it, Ashlin,' he muttered when she wouldn't hold her arm still, waving it to avoid his grasp, speeding up the flow.

'Let me go, Remus,' she mumbled, already feeling faint from the rapid blood loss. 'Just let me go.'

She hindered his efforts to save her, grabbing his wand with her good hand to prevent him casting a spell. Remus shook his head in frustration, knowing she was fading fast, and whispered, 'Sorry Ash,' before he hit her across the face, a little harder than he'd intended.

She didn't lose consciousness but was dazed long enough for him to tear his wand from her grasp and heal her wrist using several healing spells, letting out a breath of relief when the bleeding stopped.

He sank down to the floor, pulling her over to lean against his now bloodied chest.

Ashlin was dizzy and everything looked blurry. She was having trouble keeping her eyes open and the last thing she heard was him murmuring into her hair, 'I'm sorry, Ash. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.'

* * *

Light stung her eyes when she next opened them, making her wince and little moan of irritation escaped her lips.

'Ashlin?' she heard and she sat up fast.

'Whoa, take it easy!' Remus exclaimed, putting his hands on her shoulders. 'It's me.'

She stared at him, not entirely sure why he was there, or even where she was. She looked around, a hand coming up to rub her face.

'Where am I?' she mumbled, then cleared her throat when she heard her rough voice.

'My place,' he told her, seeing her look of alarm. 'It's protected. There are wards, spells. No one saw me come in here with you and no one but myself and Dumbledore can get in without permission.'

She didn't relax, trying to get out of bed. 'Ash,' he objected, pushing her back down. 'You just came around. You should rest for a while.'

'I've got to get back,' she told him, shaking her head. 'They'll have heard about Chamir's death by now and will be wondering where I am.'

'Ashlin, another half an hour is not going to make a difference,' he insisted, pushing her down again. 'Let me get you something to eat and a blood replenishing potion at least. You lost a lot of blood last night and…' He looked her over. 'You weigh less than a kitten. When was the last time you had a decent feed?'

Ashlin frowned but stayed put as he moved to his cupboard. He pulled out a leather pouch and extracted a vial of potion.

'Here,' he said, handing it to her. 'Drink that and I'll get you some breakfast.'

He walked off, letting her down the potion quickly. She climbed out of bed, surprised to see she was almost naked, wearing just her bra and knickers.

'Where are my clothes?' she called and he popped his head back into the room.

'What?' he asked, unable to stop his eyes dropping.

'She is so thin,' he thought sadly, recalling what she used to look like.

_She had been one of the hottest girls in their year at school and she had the kind of looks that usually only improved with age. When he'd found out they were together, Remus, after several Firewhiskeys, admitted to Sirius that he was jealous the animagus got to see that body up close._

_Sirius had grinned proudly and simply said, 'I know.'_

She could be beautiful again - if she lost that haunted look she wore; those empty eyes needed to sparkle again.

'My clothes,' she repeated and he gave himself a mental shake.

'I cleaned them,' he told her and pointed to the drawer next to her. 'In there.'

She turned around and pulled open the drawer, Remus' gaze moving to her ass before he caught himself and left the room, trying to ignore the stirring in his lower body. It had been too long if Ashlin's emaciated body could give him a rise.

* * *

Ashlin walked into the kitchen, and stood uncertainly near the door watching him. She'd remembered what had happened last night now and wasn't sure how to act around him. It had been so long since she was around anyone except Severus that she'd forgotten how to behave, and this man had seen her at her most vulnerable; seen her how no one else ever had. Remus put a plate of toast and eggs on the table and glanced up at her.

'Come and eat,' he ordered gently and she hesitantly sat down at the table.

She picked at her toast and avoided the eggs.

'Ashlin,' Remus reproached, seeing her playing with the food. 'Eat. Please. You look ill.'

'You sure know how to flatter a girl, Lupin,' she muttered and he chuckled.

'There were many nights at school that I dreamed about seeing you as naked as you just were,' he admitted, drinking his tea. 'But I don't know where you now find the strength to stand let alone fight.'

'Yeah, well,' she mumbled, flushing a bit. It had been a long time since she'd even thought about how unattractive she'd become. Physically and spiritually. 'I guess I don't have much of an appetite these days. You just do what you have to do.'

A frisson of tension crackled through the room with her words and Ashlin frowned. 'I…I'm sorry you had to be there last night,' she said softly. 'I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I did it. But it was the only way. The Dark Lord would have slaughtered them. Now they can choose whether to run or join Voldemort. Either way, they are safer than they were yesterday.'

'And if they run, what will he do to you?' he asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer. 'Will he kill you?'

Ashlin surprised him by letting out a bark of laughter. 'No,' she said, a wry smile playing on her lips. 'No, he enjoys playing with me too much to merely kill me. He will torture me; torment me until I am begging for death; until I can see it within my grasp and then he will tear it away. He will not let me go. He will reduce me to something that doesn't even closely resembled a human being but he will not let me die.'

He stared at her, his own appetite gone. 'But you still tried to save them; to let them to choose to run if they wanted?' he asked and she frowned at him.

'Do you think I would want anyone to have to do what I do? That I want anyone else to have to tear their souls beyond recognition?' she said quietly. 'I am already damaged beyond repair, Remus. I no longer care what happens to me. I'm here to do a job and that doesn't involve letting innocent people get slaughtered.'

Remus clenched his jaw. 'I'm not going to pretend to understand how you do what you do,' he said in a low voice. 'But we've all done things we aren't proud of because there wasn't any other way.' He looked at her. 'Did Albus know what you were doing?'

Ashlin nodded. 'He knew my task,' she confirmed. 'Knew what I might have to do.'

Remus smiled grimly. 'Who am I to question Dumbledore's plans?'

* * *

There were several minutes of silence, then Remus poked at his egg as he said, 'I'm sorry I said that stuff about Sirius. I didn't mean it. I was just angry and upset and I wanted to hurt you. It's not true…'

'Yes it is,' she whispered, looking steadfastly at her plate. 'He was so loyal. Everything was so black and white in his eyes. He'd never condone what I'm doing.'

Remus frowned and dragged his chair closer to her. 'Ash,' he said softly. 'Sirius changed a lot in Azkaban. He didn't see things so definitively anymore. He realised there are a lot of shades of grey and I think he would have understood. He…he still loved you. Azkaban didn't manage to take that away from him.'

She looked up at him and those green eyes finally showed some emotion. 'He did?' she whispered, her voice shaking and for the first time, he realised how much she loved Sirius. Finally understood that she had done all of this for him; to try and help him.

'He told me,' he said with a little smile. He reached over and took her hand. 'He wanted to find you; try and tell you he wasn't guilty…'

'I never thought he was guilty,' she said, her voice almost unrecognisable as her own. 'Not for a second.'

Remus felt a stab of guilt. He had believed Sirius deserved to be in Azkaban; had believed he'd had a hand in killing James and Lily. Tears were falling thick and fast down Ashlin's cheeks and he pulled her into an embrace.

'I'm sorry, Ash,' he murmured into her ear. 'I wish you'd gotten to see each other again.'

He felt a sob shake her and pulled her closer, the angle of their chairs making it awkward.

* * *

Holding her while she wept, he allowed some of his own grief to surface for the first time since the night Sirius died. Ashlin felt his tears hit her neck and looked up.

'I'm sorry,' she said, wiping her face, feeling bad that she'd made him relive his loss. 'It must be so hard for you…you've lost them all now.'

He tried to smile but didn't quite succeed. 'It's alright,' he said, clearing his throat as he swiped at his face. 'It's just…there's no one left. No one that knew him as we did …I haven't been able to talk to anyone who loved him as well. Except for Harry but I can't burden him with my grief when he's got his own to deal with.'

He took a deep breath and looked at her face. 'I'm really sorry I spoke to you like that last night,' he said softly. 'When I saw your arm…I don't think I've been that scared in a long time. I'm sorry I made you do that.'

'You didn't,' she whispered. 'I think about the end every day. I dream about the end. I just…I just want it to be over.'

His face looked pained and he wiped her tears away with his slightly calloused thumbs. 'Just hang in there, alright,' he said gently. 'I want you there when this is over. I want everyone to know everything you've done for the Order; everything you've risked for us.'

She stared up at him. 'Muggle torture? Killing Chamir?' she said shakily.

'I know you had to,' he told her. 'I know you did what you thought had to be done.'

He could see how she was struggling to accept his words and he cupped her face. 'Ash, it'll be ok. You have to just keep believing that.'


	12. Chapter 12

**Hiya! If you stuck with this after that last chappie, thank you. I love getting feedback and thank you for your kind words. I was pretty nervous about posting last chappie (the most heavily edited and carefully considered chapter I've ever written) but I'm happy that no one thought Remus was too aggressive. Cheers, y'all!**

**WARNING: Attempted rape.**

* * *

**_To the well organised mind, death is but the next great adventure - JK Rowling_**

Chapter Twelve

'Where have you been?' Severus frowned, startled when Ashlin walked through his front door.

'Doing my job,' she replied, walking past him to sit on the couch. 'You've received word from the Eastern pack?'

She saw him nod then cast a Silencing Spell on the room.

'A few hours ago,' he said, sitting next to her. 'The wolf, Sythe, contacted us to let us know Chamir was dead and that the pack would be fighting with us. The Dark Lord is pleased with you. ' His dark eyes searched her face. 'Are you alright?'

She sighed and put her head in her hands. They were going to fight. She didn't know if she was relieved or disappointed that she had escaped possible death. 'No. I don't think I've been alright for a very long time,' she said softly.

She leaned over, surprising him by resting her head on his shoulder. They touched only when they wanted sex or after they had just had sex and they were both softer, more open to affection. He wasn't accustomed to her reaching out simply for comfort, but rose to the occasion. Somewhat hesitantly, he put his arm around her and stroked her matted hair. They stayed like that for several minutes, Severus startled than he found her touch as reassuring as she appeared to find his.

His eyes were drawn to a long scar that ran from elbow to wrist and he frowned. He knew her body well, knew every scar on the too-thin frame and this was new. 'Did Chamir fight?' he asked softly, running a finger along the freshly healed wound.

'No,' she replied simply and suddenly, Severus knew exactly what had happened.

'Lupin healed it?' he said and she nodded against his shoulder.

'I was weak,' she whispered. 'Just for a moment.' Severus swallowed and nodded, letting it drop.

Finally, she lifted her head and looked at him. 'How is Albus? How is Draco's task progressing?'

'I cannot talk in detail about the task but I believe he is nearly there,' he replied, standing and pouring two glasses of mead. 'Dumbledore…he won't tell me what he is doing with Potter but…he has given me some information…' He looked troubled. 'He is getting weaker.'

He handed her a glass then sat down again. They drank in silence for a few moments then, 'The Dark Lord wants to see you.'

Ashlin sighed. 'I know,' she said, finishing the drink quickly. 'I should go.'

She put the glass down as she stood up. Looking down at Severus, she leant over and kissed the top of his head.

'You'll do what you have to,' she said softly and he looked up.

'Yes, I will,' he said firmly.

* * *

Ashlin moved to the bathroom, taking a change of clothes.

'I'll burn these tonight,' she thought, stripping fast and throwing her clothes into the corner of the bathroom., unable to stand looking at the bloodspots Remus couldn't remove.

She washed her face quickly and couldn't stop her mind drifting back an hour in time.

_As he comforted her, reassured her, Remus held her close, his cheek against hers. He kissed her cheek once then again then his lips brushed over hers. She wasn't sure if it had been accidental or a deliberate act but the second she'd felt it, she'd jumped up like a snake had bitten her, her chair falling to the floor with a loud clatter. _

'_God, I'm sorry,' he said quickly, running his hand through his hair as he stood. 'That was a completely sleazy thing to do and I don't know…' _

'_It's ok, Remus,' she said, shaking her head. _

_It had been deliberate contact and for a split second, she regretted her reaction, wondering what it would be like to be kissed with her consent and participation once again._

_He apologised again. 'Remus, it's fine. Really. I don't think you're a sleaze. I know it was just…the moment. That's all. You wanted comfort.' She sighed. 'So did I.'_

_He still looked regretful and she smiled, picking up the chair. _

'_Remus, I haven't been kissed since the night before Sirius left …I'm a little jumpy about it. It wasn't you I was reacting to... It's me. I'm not someone who… gets kissed anymore. Just fucked.' _

_A deep crease appeared in his brow and he opened his mouth. 'Ash…' _

'_Don't,' she said, shaking her head. _'_This is me now. Death Eater. Ash…Ash is someone who died a long time ago. Thanks for your help last night. Take care of yourself, Remus.'_

She hid the memory deep in her mind, not wanting the Dark Lord to find it when he next invaded her mind.

'That one's for me,' she mumbled as she dressed.

* * *

Lord Voldemort was very pleased with her, deciding not to punish her for not returning promptly to him. The wolf, Sythe, had told him how she had killed Chamir, that she had slit the alpha's throat, and that she had framed an Order member, Lupin, for his death. Ashlin almost sighed when she was congratulated for her success, a drink of Firewhiskey forced into her hand. She hadn't thought when she took Remus last night that he'd probably be blamed for Chamir's death and felt a shot of guilt for not being able to prepare him for the backlash he would now receive. News would travel fast amongst the packs. He wouldn't be able to step foot in any of the werewolf camps again.

'I'll meet Dumbledore tomorrow,' she thought. 'I'll tell him to warn Remus. They'll kill him if he goes back.'

There was a strange energy in the Malfoy Mansion tonight. The undercurrent of anticipation and excitement had made Ashlin nervous and she called for Severus when she got back to his house, hoping he'd know what was going on.

'He's not here,' Wormtail said, startling her as he appeared from a darkened staircase. 'What do you want?'

She glared at him as she hung her coat up. 'Nothing you can give me, Peter,' she said, moving to the kitchen and checking the time. It was late. Severus should have been back from Hogwarts by now. 'Where is he?'

She rummaged in the cupboard, pulling out the bread. Turning, she jumped when she saw how close Peter was standing to her.

'Move,' she snapped in annoyance, wishing the man would stop following her. It was bad enough he spied on her and Severus in bed…now he was underfoot. She pushed past him when he didn't shift, looking for the jam.

'Well?' she asked, twisting her head around to see him watching her. 'Where is he?'

'Still at Hogwarts,' he replied, looking her over with a hungry gleam in his eye.

She missed his expression as she turned back to spread jam on the bread, and almost leapt out of her skin when she felt his body press against hers.

'Get away from me,' she said irritably then gasped when he spun her around and put his silver hand to her throat.

'You'll touch him but not me?' he hissed, pushing his rodent like face into hers. 'You'll open your legs for Snape but look at me with disgust?'

The hand was tightening and Ashlin making a choking noise as she struggled for air, her hands desperately scrabbling at his, trying to break his grip. His other hand was tugging roughly at her shirt now, tearing the buttons off. She kicked out at him - for the first time since she began this, not accepting this as her fate. For the first time in a long time, she fought back.

He looked surprised and for a moment, she thought he might back off but then his face screwed up in anger.

'You've fucked every man who looked at you and you've just taken it but you fight me?' he spat at her, hand working on the fly of her jeans now. 'You find me that repulsive?' He tore the zip down. 'You go ahead and fight me all you like, Ashlin but I am going to take my turn.'

He threw her down onto the floor hard and Ashlin both felt and heard her wrist snap. The excrutiating pain made her dizzy but then, as she felt his hands on her legs, panic gave her strength and she scrambled to get up. Wormtail was stronger though, and she screamed in agony as he pulled her back down, her useless arm getting caught under her.

A dark haze spread across her line of vision and she lay still, stunned from the force of the burning pain that was ripping through her body. He had her jeans halfway down when suddenly, he stopped, falling limply to the ground beside her. Ashlin rolled over, her strangled breathing sounding loud in the now silent room and the last thing she saw before she passed out, was a dishevelled Severus staring down at her.

* * *

When she woke, it was in an unfamiliar room. She blinked, her eyes the only part of her that moved. The ceiling was high and the crystals in the ostentatious chandelier glittered as the lit wicks within burned. Her gaze shifted down and she saw the ornately carved mahogany dresser with a silver urn upon it, a serpent etched into the front. She knew where she now -- she was at Malfoy Manor. Now, her other senses awoke, and she became aware of faint screaming. Struggling to sit up, she let out a little gasp of surprise when small hands helped her. Turning, she saw Narcissa Malfoy, the pure blood haughtiness gone from her face.

'What's happening?' Ashlin asked, her voice rough.

'They are celebrating,' she told her, pale face getting even paler.

'Celebrating?' Ashlin said in confusion. 'That sounds like torture. Who is it tonight? Another Muggle?'

Her lip shook and her blue eyes filled with tears. 'My son,' she said faintly. 'He is...torturing my son. He did not complete his task.'

Ashlin frowned but before she could say anything else, the door opened and Severus appeared.

'Leave us, Narcissa,' he said abruptly and the blonde scurried past him, her huddled shuffle a far cry from her usual stately gait.

Severus closed the door behind him and cast locking and silencing spells. 'Do you remember what happened to you?' he asked and for the first time, she thought about the events leading up to her awakening here.

'Yes,' she said, her voice darkening. 'Did he…?'

'No,' he said, sitting beside her. 'He didn't rape you. I arrived in time. I have not punished him - not too much. I'll allow you that pleasure.'

She noticed for the first time how weary he looked; the slight tremor that made his hand unsteady. 'What's happened?' she asked, putting her hand on his. 'Narcissa said…'

'Dumbledore is dead,' he interrupted, standing up and letting her hand slide off his. 'They entered Hogwarts tonight and he is dead.'

'But Narcissa said…' she began in shock and he shook his head.

'Draco did not complete his task,' he said softly then looked her straight in the eye, his own dark and fathomless.

'I did it,' he whispered, his voice full of self loathing. 'I killed Dumbledore.'


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you to all who reviewed last chapter. There's a big jump of a year between last chapter and this one (because I'm very lazy) and, as requested by some, a little alone time for Ashlin and Sev as they contemplate their relationship and what is to come. For those who are hanging out for Ash and Remus, dude, it's coming! **

* * *

_**"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." **_

_**Kurt Herbert Alder **_

Chapter Thirteen

**Eleven months later**

'Headmaster.'

She greeted him in a lightly mocking tone and he couldn't disguise his surprise and, to his own horror, happiness at seeing her. He frowned, twisting his face back into a scowl.

'I'm far from in the mood, Ashlin,' he said gruffly, turning from her. 'What are you doing here?'

'Don't be like that, Severus,' she told him, sitting on the desk. 'The Dark Lord has decided I would be far more useful to you here now that the werewolf packs have their orders. I am at your service.'

He slowly turned back to her, unsuccessfully attempting to hide his amusement at the obvious invitation in her voice. He moved closer, stopping when he was standing between her legs. 'And what kind of service do you think yourself capable of providing me, Ashlin?'

'You know very well what I'm capable of,' she murmured, sliding off the desk, making certain she let her body rub over his groin. She walked over to the staircase. 'Bedroom up there? I'm not fucking you in front of this lot.'

She heard several gasps and one loud, 'Well, I never!' from the portraits on the wall. Severus watched her walk up the stairs then, when she was halfway up, he threw down the parchment he'd been pouring over.

'Severus,' the portrait of the former Headmaster said in rebuke but the dark man continued up the stairs after Ashlin.

'I'll be ten minutes, Albus,' he said sharply.

'The hell you will,' retorted Ashlin, grabbing him as he walked through the door.

* * *

It had been months since they had last seen each other, both caught up in the growing intensity of the approaching battle, and Ashlin had been surprised by how pleased she'd been when Lord Voldemort decided today to send her to Hogwarts to assist Severus. She was equally as startled to discover that not only had she missed his touch, but she had missed his company.

Their robes dropped quickly to the floor, the remainder of their clothes following fast. Hands flew everywhere - never lingering in their haste to touch every part of each other. They fell onto the bed, Severus pushing her legs apart and thrusting hard up into her.

She cried out, both pleasure and pain, and moved with him as he plunged deep inside her. Ashlin shattered almost immediately as he angled each thrust to brush over her clit. Once she had fallen, he lost all sense of control and reason and slammed hard and fast into her until he exploded, cursing loudly as he came.

'Didn't actually need all of those ten minutes then?' she teased, breathing heavily still a minute later.

She heard him chuckle into her neck then he kissed her shoulder before pushing himself off her and rolling to the side.

They lay quietly, heavy breathing gradually easing into normal rhythm.

'The boy is close,' Severus said softly and Ashlin turned her head.

'It's nearly over?' she asked and he nodded.

'One way or another,' he told her, sitting up. He stood and pulled his robes back on. 'I have work to complete.'

Ashlin nodded and sat up. He turned and spoke over his shoulder as he left. 'Stay.'

Not a question. Not a request. A demand, one which she had no hesitation in obeying. She needed this contact as much as he did.

* * *

Severus had been her support,her strength in the days following Dumbledore's death. She'd been lost - the link they'd had to the others; the contact with the Order, was gone as Severus was now considered a traitor and none but Remus knew about her allegiance. For the first time, Severus was just as alone as her, both of them adrift now.

He hid his feelings well but she knew that taking Dumbledore's life - even at the old man's behest - had hurt him in a way that he would never recover from. Theirs was not a relationship that encouraged confidences or sharing of emotion but, by now, they knew each other well enough to know how to offer the comfort neither of them would admit they needed.

Then, a month after Dumbledore's death, just when they needed each other the most, they'd been separated: Severus to Hogwarts to oversee the Dark Lord's plans there, and Ashlin to move between the werewolf packs to keep an eye on Greyback.

Word had gotten out, she suspected from Greyback's mouth, that it had not been Lupin to take Chamir's life, and Ashlin found herself walking a tightrope between the pack that would rip her throat out for forcing them into this war, and those who looked to her for leadership - stunned that she'd killed the powerful alpha. The one thing they all had in common was that they now feared her.

Voldemort saw this, and used it and her mercilessly as she became his only trusted link to the half breeds. She could feel herself getting lost inside the whirlwind that was the war, caught up in Voldemort's plans, becoming less and less disgusted by the tasks she now frequently performed - torture, degradation…even murder again as she found herself needing to choose between her own life and that of a challenger.

She felt considerably less guilt and remorse than she probably should for the slaughter of Sythe, who had refused to carry out the tasks she ordered and therefore challenged her leadership. It had been a short battle - Ashlin, though smaller and weaker, had nothing to lose but her life, and she didn't fear death anymore.

Sythe was all talk, and quickly found himself at the pointy end of her knife as the other alpha's watched. He begged for her to spare him and his weakness made her furious. His pleas had been fruitless anyway - she had to kill him in front of the others now. She had to show them what would happen to those who sought to disobey her or the Dark Lord, and she didn't hesitate another moment before bringing the knife down to slash across his throat.

He'd left his mark on her though, long scars down her back evidence of their short but fierce battle for supremacy.

* * *

It was late that night that Severus ran his fingers along the four long scratches that started at her shoulder blade and swept across her back to her opposite hip. Ashlin was sleeping and he found himself watching her face at rest. It was rare to see her like this and he found himself remembering her at school. She was never cruel to him as other members of their house could be, but she never gave him a second glace either. She'd been beautiful back then - her light and life out of place in the dark and gloomy Slytherin common room.

_She's still beautiful._

In her sleep, that light inside her that had waned over the last sixteen years peeked through and he smiled, marvelling at the circumstances that had bought them here.

Ashlin had become a comfort to him in the few weeks immediately after he'd completed the more difficult of his true master's tasks - although he'd never admit how much he'd needed her. After he killed Dumbledore, he'd pushed her away but she, in her usual irritating habit, had refused to listen to him and he found himself accepting the only comfort she could offer - a meal placed silently in front of him, the Firewhiskey he found next to the chair he always sat in, the light caress after he'd selfishly and violently pounded his frustration out inside her - reassuring him that she understood.

He touched a scar again, feeling her stir under the gentle touch. He'd come willingly to his fate and, although for the last sixteen years he'd had different loyalties, he'd still chosen this path for himself. Dumbledore had manipulated Ashlin, played on her concerns for the one she loved to manoeuvre her into becoming his spy.

It was ironic: the events that led her to take on this role; to become a Death Eater, had been the very circumstances that spurred him to switch sides; to go over to the Light.

'Your life should have been very different,' he murmured.

* * *

Ashlin stirred then turned her head towards him. 'Did you say something?' she asked sleepily and he shook his head.

'Nothing,' he replied, shucking his robe and shoes.

She rolled over onto her side and watched him undress. 'How soon?' she asked and he glanced at her blankly until he remembered their earlier conversation.

He stripped his trousers off then got under the sheets next to her.

'Potter is close to the end of his task,' he said, choosing his words carefully. 'All the signs Albus told me to watch for are occurring. I've done all I can…now I must wait for the boy.'

He lay down on his back, staring up at the ceiling. 'The Dark Lord is becoming more agitated,' he said softly, seeing her nod agreement out of the corner of his eye. 'He is frustrated with Potter's escape from Malfoy Manor and I suspect it was he who broke into Dumbledore's tomb. For what, I do not know but he was less restless; calmer when I next spoke with him. But now…'

He turned his head and looked into her green eyes. 'Weeks,' he said, answering her original question. 'Days maybe.'

She touched a scar just above his nipple, tracing the puckered skin as she whispered, 'I want it to be over. I'm tired, Severus.'

He put his hand over her hip and pressed his lips to her jaw as he made the rare admission. 'So am I.'

He rolled them over so she was on top of him. She smiled and bent her head to kiss down his chest, hearing his strangled groan when she reached his hip. It had been a long time since she'd done this willingly but, as she wrapped her mouth around his cock, it wasn't only Severus who moaned approval. Sucking hard as her tongue stroked the smooth skin, it didn't take long to make him thrust up hard and twist his hand in her hair as he came with a ragged cry.

She curled up next to him, slapping his hand off her thigh as he tried to reciprocate. Their breathing slowed as sleep slowly began to take them, and she searched for his hand, wanting contact. He threaded his fingers with hers and she smiled somewhat sadly, knowing instinctively that their time together was almost at an end.

'You're a good man, Severus.'


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks to all who are reviewing -- especially those who still read last chapter, even though the thought of Sev and Ashlin together raises a little bit of vomit (you know who you are!).**

**This chapter moves between current day (which is six months after the war) and the day of the battle and just after (in italics). It is also written from two POV's - Ashlin's first, then Remus'. Hope it's not too confusing.**

**WARNING: Physical violence as Bellatrix gets SMACKED DOWN! ENJOY! **

* * *

_**And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out.**_

_**Martin Niemöller**_

Chapter Fourteen

**Six Months Later **

Ashlin was curled up in the corner of the dark, stone room, trying to find an escape from the bitter wind that howled through the room. She shivered, not from the frigid air that swirled around her, but from the approaching spectre of the black cloaked figures that tormented her every waking and slumbering moment.

The North Sea wind was silenced as the Dementor made its way towards her. Ashlin opened her mouth to try and scream but all the air froze in her lungs as the skeletal figure bent over her. Horrific images of the last seventeen years raced dizzily through her mind, threatening to tear the last of her sanity from her feeble grasp. Shudders racked her frail body and she knew she didn't have the strength to live through another visit from these creatures. Almost relieved that the end was near, she finally let herself fall into the dark abyss that had been calling to her since the war ended.

* * *

_She'd been amongst the first to arrive at Hogwarts for what was to become the final battle, and quickly separated herself from the pack, tearing her mask off as she disappeared into the shadows. The longer she remained undetected by the Death Eaters, the more good she could do the Order. She tried to move in the periphery of the battle as she randomly bought down the people she'd surrounded herself with for the best part of twenty years._

_This was her job; her task. She was a member of the Order of The Phoenix and it was time to show her true colours._

_She was seen. The Auror, Tonks, saw her Stun the Death Eater that had the pink haired woman in his sights and was startled, so surprised that Ashlin managed to get away before the woman could do anything but gape. Draco Malfoy also saw her, but she knew he'd keep his mouth shut. He and his family had fallen from the Dark Lord's grace in recent months and he now knew how it felt to suffer as he had made others suffer._

_She had been stalking the grounds, trying to help without being openly exposed when she saw Dolohov bring down Remus Lupin. She felt cold when she saw the werewolf's shocked eyes as he fell and all the anger she hadn't allowed herself to feel for a very long time, suddenly exploded from her. No longer caring if she was seen, she swung around and Stunned Dolohov, then pointed her wand at Hobbs, a blonde, nasty looking man who'd repeatedly raped her during her initiation many years ago. Ashlin didn't hesitate for one moment before she cast a Killing Spell, watching with a little smile as the man collapsed to the ground. A curse brushed her shoulder, spinning her around with a little screech of pain and she found herself face to face with a masked Bellatrix._

_Bellatrix raised her wand again but, with a rage that had been building since Sirius' death, Ashlin dodged the Killing Spell and threw herself at the dark haired woman, the impact sending both their wands flying out of their grip. Bella screamed as the blonde pulled her to the ground, the sound cut off as Ashlin slammed her fist into her face._

_'That's for me,' she yelled, scrambling to her feet then kicking the other woman savagely and repeatedly in the ribs. She spat her words out - punctuating the words with blows. 'That's for every… time you… insulted me or… my friends.'_

_She was breathless when she reached for her wand but she was pulled back to the ground by a hand around her ankle yanking her leg out from underneath her. Bellatrix's open hand hit her sharply across the side of the head and the blow made her ear ring. She felt a fist hit her in the stomach then the other woman fell across her chest, winding her. __With a strength she didn't know she had in her, Ashlin threw her off, and crouching, kicked out, her foot making contact with the dark haired woman's chest and causing Bellatrix to fall back with a yell of pain. Ashlin snatched up her wand and fell on her, knee on the other woman's chest and her wand pointed right between her eyes._

_'And this is for Sirius,' she whispered then, as the woman's eyes widened, she snarled with every ounce of hatred inside her, 'Avada Kadavra!'_

_Green light flashed, blinding her for a moment then the force of the spell sent her flying off Bellatrix and through the air. She hit a tree hard, head slamming into the trunk, and landed on the ground, stunned and unable to move. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion as the world darkened. Eyes searching, she saw Remus' fallen body nearby and kept her gaze fixed on it. To her surprise, his head moved and the last thing she saw before she lost consciousness were Remus' eyes as they found hers._

_She'd awoken in Azkaban. No trial. No attempt to defend herself. No one left to speak out for her. Everyone who knew who she had once been was gone._

_Sirius, Dumbledore, Severus, Remus._

_All of them._

_Gone._

_She was Prisoner 7493. Convicted, the Head Auror told her that first waking day in her cell, on numerous counts of murder, torture, crimes against Muggles and many others that Ashlin hadn't had the strength to listen to as the man sentenced her to spend the rest of her life in prison. She hadn't fought or struggled. Not because of the Dementors that drained everything good from her, but because she had nothing left to fight for._

* * *

Now, she just sat in her cell day after day. She didn't care about the cold. She didn't care that her guards took every happy memory from her - the happy memories were the ones that hurt the most so she wasn't all that sorry to see them go.

They visited often. The Dementors had, after the Dark Lord's death, recommitted themselves to the Ministry and took particular pleasure in tormenting the former Death Eaters who were now housed in the prison.

Just like they were doing now.

She felt their putrid breath on her face but didn't have the energy to recoil. The cold inside her was becoming unbearable and the comforting darkness was finally within her reach. Solace at last. A long breath began its journey from her lungs; her final breath; a breath that carried her soul. The creatures worked themselves into a frenzy as they sensed the nearing of the end.

'Stop! ' came a deep, authoritative voice, and the darkness that Ashlin had been reaching for started to fade away. 'We are looking for Ashlin King.'

She let out a moan of desperation as the ache in her bones returned with the dim light.

'Is that her?' the voice said and she saw pinpricks of light. She heard another confirm that she was indeed Ashlin King. She wanted to argue; to tell them that Ashlin King died a long time ago but she couldn't move.

She heard the shuffling of footsteps and the low voice issuing orders, while a third spoke quietly. Foot falls stopped near her head then a heavy warmth spread over her; through her. Ashlin let out a grateful whimper, not realising how much she'd missed the heat that was slowing seeping into her frozen bones. Her eyes were too heavy, she couldn't open them but she could sense someone close and, for the first time in many months, she felt the touch of another person as a hand cupped her cheek.

'God, Ash,' she heard the unseen person, horror evident in their voice. 'What have they done to you?'

* * *

Remus saw the body laying on the floor in the corner of the room, Dementors bent over it and, for a long moment, he thought they were too late. But then Kingsley yelled at them to stop and, as the cloaked figures backed away, he heard a barely discernable moan. Kingsley stared, momentarily speechless as he gazed down at the woman Remus insisted was a member of the Order.

'Is that her?' he asked, lighting his wand.

Remus lit his too, as did Arthur Weasley, who'd stepped up from behind them. 'That's her,' Remus whispered, shaking a little.

* * *

_He'd kept his eyes fixed on her all those months ago in the grounds of Hogwarts, trying to will her awake again when her eyelids fluttered shut. Unable to move and feeling more helpless than he ever had before, he tried to find the energy to tell someone to help her but, as Bill and Arthur picked him up, the fire that roared through him became too much and he, too, succumbed to the pain free darkness. _

_He'd been unconscious in St Mungo's Hospital for days - initially thought dead but a zealous Healer double checked his vitals and realised he was still hanging on. It had taken weeks before he was allowed home, but even before that, he'd started asking questions about a woman in Death Eater robes. His friends thought the spell that had hit him caused some mental damage and reassured him that all the Death Eaters had been caught or killed._

_He'd found out from Harry that Severus Snape had been a spy for the Order and that Voldemort had killed him. His search for Ashlin became more frantic; more desperate. Severus was dead. Had he been discovered? Had Ashlin been discovered and killed also? He asked everyone if her body had been recovered but no one could tell him._

_'Remus, there was no one in the Order that we didn't know about,' Kingsley had told him, finally taking time out from piecing the Ministry back together to come and see him._

_Remus said two words, 'Severus Snape,' and Kingsley looked a bit more uncertain._

_'Kingsley, Dumbledore told me himself,' he insisted. 'I've met with her. I saw her kill Bellatrix. I have to find her, Kingsley. I need to find her.'_

_It had taken so long to discover what had happened to her; so long to find proof that she was indeed a member of the Order. He had tried to never allow himself to believe he would find her. He didn't want to get his hopes up only to have them dashed. He had needed something to hold onto over the last few months and that something had been finding Ashlin._

* * *

Now, Kingsley turned to speak with the Dementors and Arthur handed him a blanket, nudging him gently.

'She'll need a warming spell as well,' he said softly, seeing Remus' emotions raw in his eyes. He knew how hard the last few months had been for the werewolf and how much of a stake he had in Ashlin's survival. But even though they'd found her, there was no guarantee of a happy ending. The woman looked dead. Dead or close to it.

Remus took the blanket and approached Ashlin, stopping and crouching down next to her head. He spread the blanket over her and cast a heating spell. She made a tiny whimper and his heart leapt. His eyes filled with tears as he put his hand on her face, cupping her cheek.

'God Ash,' he whispered, horrified by the state of the woman. 'What have they done to you?'

**Review, review. Please. I'll write you some hot Remus/Ashlin smut...**


	15. Chapter 15

**Cheers to all who've reviewed this fic. Hope you're still enjoying it. Remus has rescued Ashlin, tossed her aboard his white steed and rushed her to St Mungos. But will she survive her holiday in Azkaban? **

**WARNING: Petulant Harry (is that unusual?):-)**

* * *

_**Nobody is stronger, nobody is weaker than someone who came back. There is nothing you can do to such a person because whatever you could do is less than what has already been done to him. We have already paid the price. **_

_**Elie Wiesel**_

Chapter Fifteen

'Remus.'

The whisper and the little shake of his shoulder roused him and he sat up, the muscles in his neck and shoulders objecting strongly to the change in position. A little groan of pain escaped his lips and he raised a hand to rub at his neck as he looked at the person who woke him.

'Morning, Harry,' he said, then he cleared his throat in an attempt to rid himself of some of the roughness he heard.

He smiled at the teenager then looked down at the bed upon which he'd been resting his head. Its occupant still lay unconscious in the exact same position she'd been in when he finally fell asleep… he checked his watch… about four hours ago. He stared at her, worry creasing his forehead. It had been two days since they'd taken Ashlin from Azkaban and the Dementor's clutches - and she had yet to awaken.

She looked far from peaceful in her slumber: a frown seemingly permanently etched onto her brow. The long scar on her cheek stood out starkly against her skull white skin and her long, greasy looking hair was lank around her face and shoulders. She was even thinner than she had been when he last saw her (although he struggled to comprehend how that was even possible) and, even in her sleep, she wore the same haunted, beaten look that Sirius had when he'd come out of Azkaban.

The Healers had done their best and had assured him that physically, apart from desperately needing a shower and some good meals to give her strength, Ashlin was not in immediate danger. It was the emotional damage that was concerning them: telling him that there was no medical reason she shouldn't be waking up.

_'Sometimes the emotional injuries are greater and take longer to recover from,' the Healer in charge told him yesterday. 'I don't think any of us have a clue what kind of psychological wounds she's going to have to deal with when she wakes up. _If _she finds the strength to wake up. I think we have to come to terms with the fact that she may never be able to come out from under whatever it is that's keeping her down.'_

He was still holding her hand now as he'd done most of the last forty eight hours but, when he saw Harry frown at their joined hands, he let go.

'Mr Weasley told me you'd found her,' Harry said, a little stiffly. 'I thought she might be awake now…'

Remus looked up at him to see him staring at the Dark Mark on Ashlin's arm. He had told Harry about the existence of another Order spy but knew that the boy had been having some trouble accepting it. He'd come to question Ashlin, Remus knew, seeing the obvious disappointment in his eyes along with the disbelief Arthur had warned him about.

'Why is it you have such a hard time accepting Ashlin was a spy yet you embraced the idea that Severus was loyal?' he asked and Harry looked uncomfortable.

'I saw the proof that Snape…Severus was Dumbledore's man,' he said, sitting down on the vacant chair next to Remus'. 'I've never even heard of this woman yet you say she was a spy; that she was helping us.'

'Well, she wouldn't have been a very effective spy if you knew about her,' Remus said mildly, looking back down at Ashlin, who he was sure he just saw stirring. 'I've told you, Harry. Ashlin was loyal. Her actions over the past sixteen years have saved a lot of lives.'

She was still now and he wondered if he'd imagined the movement.

'Didn't she kill a lot of people too?' Harry asked and Remus frowned at him.

'No more than I, and anyone else who fought for you. No more than Severus, yet it appears you've forgiven him for his transgressions. Are our sins more acceptable; more forgivable than Ashlin's? Harry, you should know as well as anyone that sometimes you do things you aren't proud of for the greater good,' he said softly. 'She never killed unless she had to and…'

He hesitated, trying not to remember the flash of crimson as Ashlin sliced open her wrist before his eyes. 'She's paid for what she did.'

His eyes flicked down to her arm, seeing the long scar that he'd created over a year and a half ago when he healed her slit wrist. He couldn't help stretching out his hand and letting his finger touch the raised tissue. Harry saw the gentleness of the touch and thought he understood.

'You love her,' he said with a disapproving frown, and Remus' head snapped around.

'No,' Remus said, shaking his head. 'No. I don't love her. I never knew her that well.'

'Then why did you go to so much trouble for her?' he asked, confused. 'Why were you so desperate to find her that you've put off your life for the last six months; that you haven't even bothered to grieve for your wife?'

'Because I…I feel responsible for her,' Remus said, haltingly, answering the first question while trying to ignore the rest of the boy's words. 'I was going to wait to see how much Ashlin wanted to tell people but I think you should know...'

He sighed then saw Ashlin's head jerk and a small moan escaped her. He took her hand and waited for another movement, but she was still again. He curled his fingers around hers then looked back at Harry.

'_I _don't love her,' he said softly. 'But Sirius did. Very much. I…helped Dumbledore keep them apart in the last year of his life and that's something I've regretted for a long time. I feel like I owe it to him to look after her now.'

Harry frowned and glanced over at the woman then his green eyes shifted back to Remus. 'He never said…He would have told me…' he stuttered but Remus interrupted.

'There's a lot you don't know still about Sirius,' he told him gently. 'A lot I don't fully understand about their relationship. But it is not my place to tell her story. What you are told and when you are told is up to Ashlin.'

The woman in question chose that moment to let out another groan and Remus turned back to her swiftly. Her eyes moved frantically under her lids and he knew that she was finally waking up.

'Harry, get the Healer,' he ordered sharply, standing up next to the bed, his bones creaking from the sudden move.

He leaned over and when her eyes opened, she looked directly at him.

* * *

'Hi,' he said softly, with a little smile.

She recognised him and a little of her immediate tension eased. Her eyes moved frantically around, taking in her surroundings, then widened a little in disbelief. She closed them tight - as if she thought this was a mirage, her breathing coming faster. Remus squeezed her hand and the green eyes opened again.

'You're not dreaming,' he told her, sitting beside her on the bed. 'You're in St Mungo's. It's over, Ash.'

She swallowed hard and shook her head. Her voice was hoarse when she whispered, 'Should have let me die.'

Remus frowned and leant close, touching her face gently. 'I wouldn't let you die back then, and I won't let you now,' he said softly but firmly.

He saw her eyes well up then she blinked hard. 'Water?' she asked and he nodded, reaching over and grabbing a glass of water, helping her sit up to drink it.

Harry returned with the Healer, who immediately cast a spell that made Ashlin more alert. She shooed Remus and Harry out of the room and for half an hour, Remus paced the hall impatiently.

'Harry,' he said suddenly, stopping and turning to the teenager. 'Would you do me a favour? Would you apparate to the Ministry and let Kingsley know Ashlin's awake? He needs to hear her story for himself so he can officially pardon her.'

Harry nodded and left.

It was another ten minutes before the Healer came out, Remus shooting up from the seat he'd just taken.

'Well?' he demanded and the woman smiled a little grimly.

'She's as well as can be expected,' she told him. 'Physically, she's dehydrated and under nourished but otherwise healthy for now. She's reasonably communicative when spoken to but…she doesn't offer anything; answers in monotones. She's in danger of becoming very withdrawn; very depressed if her recovery is not treated carefully. We'll have to keep a close eye on that. I assume the scar on her arm is from a previous attempt on her own life?'

Remus nodded and the woman frowned. 'If she's attempted suicide once and received no counselling or help, she's very likely to try again,' she said. 'Even though life is going to get better for her…the memory of the past is a difficult obstacle to overcome… sometimes it's impossible. She shouldn't be alone - not until her mind is more stable. Where is she going when she's released?'

Remus hesitated only a moment. 'With me,' he told her. 'She won't be alone. She'll be with me.'

She smiled and patted his arm, turning to go, passing a small group of people coming down the corridor towards Remus.

'Remus,' Kingsley said, shaking the werewolf's hand. 'How are you?'

'I'm fine,' he said shortly, frowning at the people with Kingsley. 'What's going on?'

'Just precautions,' he replied as he indicated the tall Auror next to him. 'Until we have Ashlin's statement. Percy's here as my assistant and Harry…well, Harry would like to sit in on this. I think he has just cause…'

'It's up to Ashlin,' Remus said, irritated by the Aurors' presence. 'Is the Auror really necessary? She's weak, Kingsley, and depressed. She's not in any state to be a threat to us.'

'Remus,' the dark man said softly. 'The sooner we get started, the sooner she can start to get on with her life. Let's just do this.'

Remus sighed but agreed. 'Just let me warn her what's coming, alright?' he said, not giving the Minister time to argue as he slipped back inside the room.

* * *

Ashlin was reclining against the pillows, staring out the window at the enchanted sky, blue and clear. 'Hi,' he said and she turned to look at him.

'Hi,' she mumbled, sitting up and drawing her knees to her chest. 'Remus, I…I'm sorry about before. For telling you that you should have let me die. I don't mean to sound ungrateful…'

'Ash, I know what you meant,' he said softly, sitting next to her on the bed. 'And I meant what I said.'

He put a hand on her sheet covered knee and she nodded. 'Thanks,' she said then caught a glimpse of gold. She frowned and touched his finger. 'You're married now?'

His hand twitched and he looked down at the gold band. 'I was,' he whispered, staring at the ring. 'I should take it off.'

He saw her confusion and explained. 'I married Nymphadora Tonks,' he told her. 'I believe you met her once - Stunned her actually. She was killed. At Hogwarts. Bellatrix caught up with her.'

Ashlin bit her lip, remembering the pink haired woman she'd thought she'd saved. 'I'm sorry, Remus,' she said quietly. 'You must have better things to do than baby-sit me…'

'Not right now I don't,' he said firmly then looked over at the door. 'Listen, Ash, the Minister for Magic is here - Kingsley Shacklebolt. He needs to ask you some questions.'

She nodded, looking as if she couldn't quite believe this was happening.

'There's an assistant with him and an Auror, just a formality.' He hesitated. 'Harry Potter is here also. He…he wants to hear your story. You were fighting for him after all.'

She frowned and he felt her tension rise. 'Can I ask the Minister a question before we start?' she asked and he nodded, curious but when she didn't offer anymore information, he stood up.

'Ready?'

Ashlin took a deep breath then tried to smile. 'Send them on in,' she said, hoping she sounded more confident than she felt.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks to all who reviewed last chapter. This little 'bridge' between the past and the future will continue this chapter then the real angst starts as Ashlin tries to get on with her life (with Remus' help)**

**WARNING: Angry Remus and snotty Harry.**

* * *

_**Death is natural and necessary, but not just. It is a random force of nature. Survival is equally accidental. Each loss is an occasion to remember that survival is a gift.**_

_**Harriet McBryde Johnson**_

Chapter Sixteen

Remus opened the door and the four men filed into the room. Ashlin sat up straighter, feeling a little panicked as the room filled but desperately trying not to show how overwhelmed she felt.

'You have faced Voldemort,' she admonished herself. 'This is nothing. Get a hold of yourself.'

But she was frightened. And it wasn't the large dark man with the air of authority; not the redhead with the sad blue eyes behind his glasses; not even the Auror , a man she recognised from her time in Azkaban, that made her break into a sweat…

No, it was the shorter, bespectacled boy that scared the hell out of her. She could see the resistance and condemnation in his eyes - the same eyes that had stared back at her in the mirror more than once. The same eyes Severus had wanted to see whenever he came to her. This boy could be her complete undoing.

She couldn't look at him, closing her eyes and turning away, raising a shaky hand to her forehead. She couldn't look at Harry without thinking of Sirius; without remembering the proud smile on his beautiful face when he'd held his godson, showing him off to her when he was just a few days old.

'I can't think about him,' she thought desperately, grief closer to the surface that it had ever been. 'If I start to think about him, I'll start crying and never stop.'

Remus saw her distress and frowned, coming close. 'Ashlin, if you can't do this yet, it's alright,' he told her in a low, soft voice.

She looked at him, then glanced back over at Harry. Remus caught on. 'Harry doesn't have to be here, Ash,' he whispered, looking at her in concern. She looked terrified and her breathing was shaky. Why did Harry scare her so? Was it the judgement Remus could see in his eyes, or the fact that he looked so much like James and from there, it was a short leap to Sirius?

'Can…can I get some water?' she asked, her voice barely discernable.

'Sure,' he said then added, 'Ash, Harry?'

'I don't want to do this more than once,' she said shakily. 'He can stay.'

She grabbed his hand before he moved away, despising herself for her neediness as she almost begged, 'You'll stay as well?'

Remus nodded, squeezing her hand reassuringly before he moved to pour her some water.

* * *

He introduced everyone, noticing that Ashlin avoided Harry's unwavering gaze.

'There is something I need to know before I answer your questions,' she said suddenly, looking at Kingsley.

The man looked surprised but nodded. 'If I can give you answers, I will,' he said warily.

Remus sat down at the end of Ashlin's bed, watching her closely for signs that this was too much for her. Despite what he'd told Harry, he had surprised himself by just how protective he was of her.

'I suppose it's only natural,' he thought. He'd seen this woman at the highest and lowest moments of her life and he wanted to try and prevent any more damage to her already fragile soul.

'Severus,' she said softly and Remus was startled to see a sheen of tears in her eyes. 'How did he…?' She closed her eyes, unable to keep her voice steady. She'd been taunted with death of her lover and other Death Eaters by the Aurors while she was being read her sentence, but by that time she was too low to ask how he'd met his end.

'Voldemort killed him,' Harry said, before Kingsley or Remus could answer. 'I saw him.'

Ashlin turned to look at the boy, pushing aside her discomfort to get the answers she wanted. 'He found out Severus was loyal to the Order?' she asked.

Harry shook his head but it was Kingsley that answered. 'No,' he said. 'It was for another reason; one that is far too complex to go into right now. I'm sure, once you are out of here, Harry and Remus can fill you in.'

Ashlin reluctantly looked back at Harry. 'Did…did he suffer?' she asked tremulously and he shook his head.

'Not really. It was pretty quick,' he told her, some of his stiffness disappearing in the face of her obvious distress. 'Were the two of you…close?'

Ashlin frowned then nodded. 'As close as one could ever get to Severus,' she murmured, rubbing a hand over her eyes then taking a deep breath. 'You know he was completely loyal to Dumbledore; to the Order? That it was on Albus' own orders that Severus killed him?'

Harry looked surprised. No one alive but he and Kingsley had known about Dumbledore's order until after all the captured Death Eaters had been incarcerated. She couldn't have known about that unless Severus told her. And he wouldn't have confided in her unless…unless she was telling the truth.

'We know, Ash,' Remus said, putting a hand on her leg through the blanket. 'He's been exonerated.'

Her voice had risen in her attempt to defend the spy and Remus was curious about her undisguised desperation. Did she have feelings for Severus?

'Would you prefer that we asked you questions or would you prefer to make a statement?' Kingsley said, drawing their attention back to the matter at hand and Ashlin sighed.

'I'll make a statement,' she said and Percy raised his quill.

* * *

Ashlin talked for over an hour, Kingsley asking a few questions now and again. Her voice didn't shake again and she spoke clearly but emotionlessly about her tasks and the atrocities she had committed. Remus left his hand on her leg as she talked, tightening it when she told Kingsley that she had killed Chamir. He saw Harry's eyes narrow when she spoke of making the choice to take the werewolf's life to save his pack and he frowned. The teenager seemed determined to focus on the worst.

When she finished speaking, Percy rolled up his parchment and left to apparate back to the Ministry and Kingsley waved at the Auror to follow him.

'Thank you, Ashlin,' Kingsley said with a smile. 'It can't have been easy to talk about all of that. We can offer you some counselling…'

'No,' she said bluntly, shaking her head. Now she was finished, her hands were trembling and her face had turned an awful grey colour. Remus looked at her eyes and was concerned that they seemed glazed.

Kingsley nodded and stood, shaking hands with Harry and Remus before turning back to Ashlin. 'We are organising a Order of Merlin for Snape,' he told her. 'I'll add your name…'

'NO!' Ashlin snapped loudly, lips shaking. 'No. Weren't you listening to me? To what I just told you? There is nothing honourable or worthy about what I've done.'

'Ashlin, you and Severus risked…' Remus began but she shook her head vigorously, her breathing becoming heavy.

'Severus would tell you the same thing if he was here,' she insisted. 'He wouldn't want this. Not for what we did.'

'What you did saved many lives, Ash,' Remus said and she glared at him.

'And you know better than anyone that some were also lost at my hand,' she spat. 'I'm a murderer, Remus. A Death Eater.' She was breathing too fast - none of the air she was sucking in seemed to be making it to her lungs.

'Ashlin, calm down,' Remus said urgently, Kingsley murmuring that he'd get a healer.

'I killed…' she gasped, then put a hand to her tight chest, lungs burning now as she tried desperately to draw breath. 'I can't… I can't….'

Panicked she tried to get out of bed; to get away from them so she could breathe again but her weakened body couldn't hold her upright and she fell, vaguely aware that someone had caught her before everything went black.

* * *

When she woke again, she saw Remus' worried blue eyes staring down at her. 'It seems I am always waiting for you to wake up,' he said softly, smiling at her. 'This is a habit we are going to have to shake or people will start talking about how much time I spend next to your bed.'

Ashlin struggled to sit up, Remus assisting her. 'What happened?' she asked, putting her hand to her throbbing head and wincing.

'You hyperventilated,' Remus told her then handed her a pain potion which she quickly drank.

'Guilty conscience?' came another voice and Remus twisted around.

'I told you that you could stay, Harry,' he spat. 'But she doesn't need this right now.'

'Then when?' he snapped, reacting to Remus' loss of temper with a show of his own. 'I want to ask her some things as well. About how she tricked Sirius into falling for her? He never would have loved someone who could kill…'

Remus stood abruptly, rounding on him as anger bubbled over. 'Do you believe Sirius to be an innocent?' he yelled at the now startled boy. 'You didn't know him; what he'd done. He also killed in this war -- he also had blood on his hands. You didn't see them together, the way he talked about her. He wouldn't want you to treat her like this…Don't you think she's been through enough? Let her try and start to forget…'

'I'm never going to forget, Remus,' Ashlin said softly, putting her hand on his arm. She looked at Harry who was still glaring at an angry Remus. 'I'll answer your questions, Harry, but not right now. I need some time. All I want now is a shower then to get out of here.'

Remus turned back to her and she could see he was trying to control himself. 'Where will you go?' Harry asked and Ashlin frowned, looking blankly at Remus. She hadn't thought that far ahead.

'I…I don't know,' she asked then her face changed, a pained expression forming.

'Do you know…?' she began then cleared her suddenly tight throat. 'My parents? Are…are they still alive?'

The last of Remus anger with Harry melted when he fully realised the extent of her isolation from the real world. Harry, too, softened when he saw the look on her face. He knew what it was like to not know if people you loved were alive or dead.

'Um, look, I'm going to go,' he muttered, and Remus nodded a tense farewell before turning back to Ashlin. He slipped out of the room, mumbling a goodbye before he closed the door.

Remus sat on the edge of the bed, preparing to add another burden to her already heavy load. 'I'm sorry, Ashlin,' he said, taking her hand. 'I checked when I was searching for you. They are both dead - for a few years now.'

Her lip trembled but she nodded. She'd expected it - they were both getting on in years when she left…but it didn't make the loss any easier to take. She may not have agreed with the way they chose to live but they were still her family.

'I, um, I should try and find out what happened to the house…' she began but he shook his head.

'There's plenty of time for that,' he said softly. 'You'll come and stay with me.'

Ashlin shook her head, frowning as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed, grateful for his steadying hand on her arm when the room spun for a few seconds.

'Ash,' he said as she pulled her arm out of his grasp. 'Where else are you going to go? You have no money, no clothes, nowhere to go. Come and stay with me…just until we sort out your parent's estate and you get a bit more settled.'

She stared at him despairingly, the complete helplessness of her situation hitting her. 'What do I do now?' she whispered, feeling utterly lost. 'I don't know what to do now.'

She'd never thought she'd live to see the war over; the prospect that she might have a life beyond being a Death Eater had never entered her mind.

What the hell did she do now?

'You accept help from your friends,' he said gently, taking her face in his hands. 'And let them try and help you through this. And you take this one small step at a time. Freedom is something you've gone without for a very long time, Ashlin. It can be a very frightening thing to have suddenly thrust upon you. I want to help you. _Let _me help you.'

She took a long, shaky breath then nodded haltingly, seeing no other choice.

'Good,' he said with a smile. 'Now, let's organise some clean clothes and get you out of here.'


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks to all those who have reviewed for your feedback. Thanks to all those who are ready - my hits for this are very steady so I know people are following it and I hope that you'll drop me a line or two to let me know how you are liking it. **

**The pace is slowing now as Ashlin tries to adjust to normal life.**

**WARNING: Cutting and self harm mentioned in this chapter. Nothing graphic.**

* * *

_**None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not.**_

_**Pearl S. Buck**_

Chapter Seventeen

Despite the objections of the Healers, Ashlin left the hospital with Remus, who apparated them to his place. They landed just outside his house and Ashlin swayed a little as her knees threatened to buckle under her.

'Maybe you _did _leave the hospital too early,' he muttered, putting an arm around her to steady her.

'I'm fine, Remus,' she mumbled, regaining her equilibrium and trying to shake his arm off, though she was inwardly grateful when he didn't remove it. 'Really.'

'Mmm,' he murmured and if she'd had more strength, she would have smacked him for his slightly patronizing tone.

God, she hated this. Hated being so reliant on someone else. But she knew it was necessary - simply dressing and apparating had zapped almost all the remaining strength from her body.

Remus waved his wand and the door opened. He helped her inside, noting that Ashlin didn't try to shake off his assisting arm again. Once inside, Remus led her to the bathroom.

'Grab a shower,' he told her. 'And I'll make something for you to eat. I don't have any…female stuff. You know, flowery soaps and special herb shampoo and all that kind of thing…'

Ashlin couldn't help her breath of laughter. 'Remus, I've been using nothing but plain soap for years, and for the last six months, the only shower I had was when the rain blew into my cell. I'm sure whatever you've got will be fine. Anything's better than how I smell right now. I don't know how you can stand it.'

'It is pretty tough,' Remus teased. 'You are _ripe_.'

He let go of her and she took a moment to ensure she wasn't going to collapse again, Remus watching her with a frown as her hand moved to the door jamb for support. 'Maybe…maybe I should help you,' he said warily then added quickly, 'Just in case. I won't look…'

The corner of her mouth turned up. 'I'm sure I'll be fine, Remus,' she murmured, amused by his flushed cheeks. 'It might take a while though. It's been ages since I enjoyed this luxury and I used to be famous for long showers.'

He smiled and handed her the clean clothes they'd gotten from the charity bin at the hospital. They were old and a bit worn but clean and Ashlin was grateful for something to wear that wasn't from her old life.

'My _old _life,' she thought, closing the bathroom door behind her. She found herself both eagerly anticipating a life without constant fear and dreading the unknown. She was anxious and suddenly felt the urge to scrub herself clean; to try and remove every trace of the last decade and a half off her skin.

She frowned to herself. Maybe this new beginning was the time to start over; to make some changes -- starting with stopping the self castigation that had become the only way she could survive; that she could live with herself and her actions.

'I don't have to do that anymore,' she told herself. 'No more fighting. No more killing. No more punishments. I can stop now.'

She caught sight of herself briefly in the mirror and sighed as she turned away, not wanting to see the damage Azkaban had inflicted on her already worn and broken body.

'It's over now. He's gone. Voldemort's gone and I'm free. I can start a new life,' she thought.

Her eyes closed tight as a little panic ran through her, making her insides turn cold. 'A new life,' she whispered, not so confidently now, then bit her lip. 'What the hell am I supposed to do?'

Her immediate family was gone (not that she would have been particularly welcome there but they were familiar at least) and she barely knew any of her distant relatives; Sirius was gone; Severus was gone. She couldn't rely on Remus forever - he had his own problems which she suspected he was using her more urgent need to avoid.

Suddenly, she was more than simply scared. She was almost bought to her knees by the fear that swamped her. Quickly leaning over the sink, she dry retched, throat burning but there was nothing in her stomach to bring up. Unable to hold herself up any longer on her shaking legs, she sank to the floor, curling up into a foetal position on the tiles as she tried to control her terror. Her breath came fast and the world was spinning insanely fast. She hadn't had to live her own life for a very long time. There had always been someone telling her what to do; giving her orders to follow… how did she even begin to be independent; to cope with being free?

* * *

After several minutes, the panic attack started to ease and she began to breathe normally, although tremors still rocked her.

This was a second chance; the second chance she never dreamed she would ever get. 'If I blow this, I'll regret it.,' she thought. 'This is my opportunity to become someone better; someone good. This is my chance to live a worthwhile life.'

She sat up, rubbing at her aching head, her fingers getting caught in her knotty hair. She winced at the sharp pain then, crawling, she got into the shower, sitting fully dressed under the warm spray for a while before she stopped shaking enough to stand and pull her soaking clothes off.

Trying to ignore the temptation to use the nail brush on her skin, she used a soft cloth and a thick lather of soap to clean every inch of her body. It took three thorough scrubbings before she finally felt reasonably clean then she started on her waist length hair, frustrated that the shampoo wouldn't wash out properly, the water unable to penetrate the thick, dreadlock like clumps of hair. She gave up eventually, getting out of the now dirt caked shower cubicle and drying off. Ashlin caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror again and, drawing a shaky breath, took a good look at herself for the first time in six months.

'God, I look like shit,' she murmured then picked up a tangled lock of hair and frowned at it. For some reason the condition of the grey and blonde locks really bothered her, even though, from the looks of her wasted body, she had bigger problems than how her hair looked.

'Can't help the rest of that now,' she thought to herself. 'But I can do something to make this rat's nest look a bit better.'

She searched through a drawer and found a comb. Pulling it through her hair, she quickly became frustrated by the snarls. Frowning, she stared at herself then rummaged around in the drawer again until she found a pair of scissors. Holding them up, she ran her thumb over the sharp edge, slicing her skin then watching blood bead there.

It felt good. The physical pain she inflicted upon herself had always eased some of the pressure inside; had always taken the awful hollow feeling away.

She frowned, biting her lip. 'No,' she told herself firmly. 'No more punishment.'

Sticking her thumb in her mouth, she sucked the blood off then raised the scissors to throat height.

'New beginning,' she muttered.

* * *

Remus started to get worried when an hour passed and Ashlin still hadn't come out of the bathroom. He gave her another five minutes then was about to knock on the door when she emerged. His mouth fell open and he couldn't help his smile.

'You don't muck around when you want to start over, do you?'

Ashlin smiled a closed mouth smile and ran her hand self consciously over her head. 'It's needed cutting for a long time,' she said, feeling uncomfortably exposed with her much shorter hair.

It had been a strangely freeing experience to rid herself of one of the vestiges of her past. The tangled blonde hair had been hanging down below her waist, now it ended just under her earlobes, cut in a bob style. It was knot free and, for the first time in years, it felt clean. She felt clean. Well, cleaner. There was some filth; some dirt that would never wash off. Her hand moved unconsciously to the Dark Mark on her arm, scratching at it absently.

Remus noticed and gently pushed her hand away. 'People will see beyond that, Ashlin,' he said softly, disconcertingly reading her mind, then turned towards the kitchen. 'You look good. But you can look better. Come and eat.'

He sat down and put a bowl of stew in front of her, heating it with his wand. 'I hope you like stew. I've got heaps,' he said, his eyes pained as he looked at her thin arms. 'The Healer said you were malnutritioned and dehydrated.'

He turned and grabbed a jug of water, putting it and two glasses on the table. He sat opposite her, pouring them both a drink then shovelled a mouthful of stew into his mouth, watching her poke at hers.

'Eat,' he said sharply then bit his lip when she looked up at him startled. 'Sorry. I just…' He shook his head, putting his fork down and rubbing his head. 'Ashlin, do you even realise how very thin you are? You _need_ to eat. You need to start looking after yourself. Please.'

She stared at him for a few moments then nodded, bending her head over her bowl. He watched her put a forkful of food into her mouth and chew. She repeated the action a few times before he was satisfied and lowered his head back to his own food.

'You must have some questions,' he said softly, a minute later and she looked up again, swallowing.

'I do,' she murmured with a frown. Her green eyes looked uncertain. 'I…I'm not sure I want the answers just now though. I'm not sure I'm…ready.'

She needed to know about Sirius; about Severus; about the war and the days afterwards. But she didn't have the strength to deal with the pain talking about it would bring. Not yet.

Remus nodded in understanding and they ate in silence for a few minutes. Ashlin glanced over at him, noticing that he had removed the wedding ring she asked him about in the hospital. She asked, 'How long were you married?'

He looked like a deer caught in headlights and, after a few moments, he looked away. 'Just under a year,' he said, his voice low. 'Not long.'

'Doesn't need to be long for you to miss her,' she said quietly, thinking of Sirius and how short a time they had together. 'I'm sorry for your loss, Remus. You must have a lot on your mind right now. I don't think you need me adding to it.'

'I'm fine,' he said shortly, standing up and taking his empty bowl to the counter. 'Do you want some bread?'

'No,' she said, pushing the half full plate away as a sharp spasm made her stomach tighten 'I think I ate too much.'

'Ashlin, you hardly ate anything,' he said but she shook her head.

'No, I feel a bit sick, actually,' she mumbled, putting a hand to her now churning stomach.

'Ash?' he said in concern when she stood up suddenly and rushed back to the bathroom. Remus heard retching and grabbed her glass of water, following her.

* * *

She was still bent over the toilet, holding her head up with a shaking hand as she tried to catch her breath. Crouching next to her, he put his hand on her back, making her jump.

'God,' she gasped, falling over onto her backside. 'I'm fine. I don't need help. I'm…fine.' A strangled sob escaped and she put her head in her hands as she drew her knees up to her chest.

'Ashlin,' he said softly, sinking down onto the tiles across from her.

He put his hand on her head, stroking the freshly washed hair, surprised by how much softness had returned with just one wash.

'I can't stand this,' she said, her voice muffled by her hands. 'I can't stand having to rely on someone like this; I hate needing this much help.'

She looked up at him, her lip shaking badly, her eyes full of unshed tears. 'But I do. I need you and I hate that I need you; that I need anyone.'

She shook her head and Remus grasped her chin, forcing her to look at him. 'There's nothing wrong with needing someone sometimes,' he whispered. 'And…I think…I think that I need you as much as you need me right now. There are some things that I'm not ready to deal with yet either.'

She nodded, shaking badly now. Remus frowned then stood up. 'Come on,' he said, putting an arm around her and lifting her to her feet all too easily. 'Let's get you into bed. You've still got a long way to go before you're healthy again, Ash. You need to rest.'

* * *

He settled her into his bed, ignoring her half-hearted protests. She was obviously exhausted and almost immediately fell asleep.

Remus sat on the edge of the bed, watching her for a long time, lost in his thoughts. He had been telling her the truth before. He needed her here to distract him; to stop him from thinking too much. He _should_ be focused on his wife; he _should_ be grieving…but he couldn't - not because it was too hard; or he wasn't ready to say goodbye. Tonks' death had made something very clear; something that he'd been trying desperately to ignore.

He wasn't hurting. He wasn't consumed with grief like he should have been; he didn't feel the kind of pain he'd seen in Ashlin's eyes when he'd told her about Sirius' death. He had been married to a warm, sweet, kind woman who had loved him dearly - so why the hell didn't this hurt more?

'I never loved her,' he sadly answered himself, letting the guilt he'd been pushing aside flood him now. 'She loved me with all her heart and I can't even find it in myself to grieve for her. Why? Why couldn't I have loved her back?'

**Read and Review. Please?**


	18. Chapter 18

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. A little angst this chapter as Severus 'speaks' from beyond the grave. (Did that sound overly dramatic?)_

_No warnings for this chapter: just the usual angst and a curse word at the end (I know - just the one - it shocked me too)._

_I love this quote - it's long but it is exactly what a friend should be._

_BLATANT PLUG: I posted a S/R oneshot yesterday called 'Why They Call It Falling' - love for you to check it, and my other recent oneshots, out! :-)_

* * *

_**When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.**_

_**Henri Nouwen**_

Chapter Eighteen

Ashlin slept fitfully through the night - Remus knew this because he also was restless on his Transfigured couch. Eventually, tired of pretending he didn't know she was awake, he made some hot chocolate and took some in to her.

'I'm sorry, Remus. Did I wake you?' she said regretfully as he knocked lightly on the door.

He shook his head, coming over to the bed and handing her a mug. 'No,' he said with a sigh, sinking onto the end of the bed. 'I wasn't asleep.'

Ashlin gave him a little sympathetic smile and sipped at the hot drink, settling herself more comfortably against the pillows.

'I feel bad,' she said, seeing the deep, weary lines in his face. 'Taking your bed. You look exhausted. I could take the couch...'

'It doesn't make any difference where I am,' he said resignedly, crossing his legs over each other and looking down into the light brown of the chocolate drink. 'Sleep doesn't come easily anymore.'

They sat and drank in silence for long moments, both comforted by the others' presence.

'I'm not very good at advice or that sort of thing but I'm a good listener,' Ashlin said suddenly. 'If you wanted to talk about anything. Sometimes it's easier to confide in someone you don't know very well.'

Remus was surprised but smiled. 'I may take you up on that one day,' he said softly. 'But right now, I don't know what to think or do or feel. Thanks for the offer though.'

They drank again in unison then Ashlin said quietly, 'Talk to me, Remus. About anything. I hate the silence. It gives me too much time to think.'

Remus knew exactly how she felt and tried to think of a subject that wouldn't upset her… or him.

'Who do you fancy for the Quidditch Cup?' he asked and grinned when she not only smiled, but laughed. A real laugh that made both relief and happiness bubble up inside him. Maybe she was going to be ok. Maybe they were both going to be ok.

* * *

His joke broke the tension and they talked about 'safe' topics: Remus' lycanthropy and the effects of the Wolfsbane potion, the changes at the Ministry and rebuilding of Hogwarts (which came perilously close to one of the subjects they were trying hard to avoid).

Remus lay down at the bottom of the bed, his back aching from the lack of support. His injuries from the Final Battle had been pretty severe and he often got pains to remind him of that day.

_Or maybe I'm just getting old. I feel a hell of a lot older than thirty seven._

Ashlin threw him a pillow and Remus shoved it under his head with a thank you, watching as she mirrored his pose at the opposite end of the bed.

'Are you hurting still? From that curse that hit you at Hogwarts?' she asked and he frowned, wondering how she'd known. 'I know it. Antonin hit me with it once so I know how long it takes to get over it. And you've been rubbing your back all night.'

'Have I?' he asked, unaware he'd been doing that and astonished that, with all that had gone on tonight, she'd even noticed.

Ashlin smiled. 'If I wasn't observant, I would been dead a long time ago,' she said softly then yawned widely.

'Want me to go?' he asked, hoping she'd say no. It had been a very long time since he'd been able to talk to anyone like this.

'No,' she mumbled, eyes closing for a moment. 'Tell me about Harry. I got the impression he doesn't like me very much.'

Remus snorted and her eyes opened. 'How on earth did you pick up on that?' Remus said with gentle sarcasm. 'He was so subtle…'

Ashlin let out a breath of laughter and her green eyes shut again both with fatigue and because she didn't want him to see how hard talking about this was. 'He said I'd tricked Sirius into…a relationship…'

She might have been hiding the pain in her eyes but it was written all over her face and Remus reached out a hand to comfort her.

'Ash, Harry's angry,' Remus said, putting his hand over hers. 'He's discovering that there were all these elements of the war that he knew nothing about and he's starting to realise how much was kept from him. Everyone is treating him like a hero but he feels so responsible for the deaths of those who fought for him that he has barely had time to breathe. He has realised that people he loved and trusted, and people he disliked, weren't what he thought they were: Severus wasn't the man he was so sure he was; Dumbledore, his hero, was as flawed as anyone else; that Sirius had a life he knew nothing about. You are living, breathing evidence of everything that he's had trouble accepting - so he's taking it out on you.'

He thought she might have fallen asleep until she answered softly. 'I can't talk to him about it yet. I'm not strong enough to think about S…Sirius yet. And when I see Harry, I see him.'

Her jaw tightened. 'He's too angry. I can't deal with his anger right now.'

'Harry…people still forget how young he is,' Remus said, his own eyes drooping now. 'Including me. It's not you - he has trouble accepting anything without proof after all this…We didn't have time to show him the letters…'

He yawned and wriggled to get more comfortable. 'He'll come around, Ash. But I won't let him near you till you're ready. I promise.'

She made a sleepy little noise of gratitude and then there was quiet again. Remus heard her breathing even out and he told himself to get up and go back to the couch but he was more relaxed than he could remember being in months and her hand under his felt like a life line. For the first time in months, it felt like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, that he now had something worth living for, and he didn't want to give up that warm, comfortable feeling just yet.

_Just one more minute. Then I'll get up._

* * *

He woke first the next morning, sitting up and stretching, hearing his bones groan in complaint. Looking over at a sleeping Ashlin curled up across the bed, he was surprised that waking up like this, next to a woman he barely knew, didn't feel more awkward.

Standing, he decided to let her sleep and, after making some toast for breakfast, he ate on the porch so as not to disturb her. He took his time, thinking that the world seemed a little brighter today, then, as he finished his last bite, he heard the shower turn on.

Ashlin appeared several minutes later in a baggy pair of jeans from the hospital, held up with one of his belts which was cinched well past the pre-cut holes, and one of his own t-shirts that he'd put out last night for her to wear. It kept falling off one shoulder and hung down to her knees. Remus wanted to laugh - she looked like a little girl wearing her father's clothes for dress up.

She tucked her still damp hair behind her ears and mumbled a good morning.

'Morning,' he returned with a smile. 'Did you sleep alright? Hot chocolate always works for me.'

She smiled and nodded. 'I think I fell asleep while I was talking to you,' she said ruefully. 'Sorry. I'm not usually that rude, and you really aren't that boring.'

He chuckled. 'It's fine, Ash. Stop apologising to me,' he said, finishing his tea. 'I'll get you something to eat.'

'I'll do it,' she said, shaking her head. 'I'm not an invalid, Remus. I appreciate everything you're doing for me, but please don't treat me like I'm sick or dying or something. I can't stand feeling useless.'

He smiled and nodded an agreement before she disappeared back into the kitchen. Remus followed, going to his study and returning with a pile of parchment. He waited until she'd eaten all she was going to before pushing the papers forward.

'Ash, you might like to look at these,' he said softly, wondering if it was too early to show her these letters.

Ashlin frowned and drew the pile towards her, recognising Dumbledore's handwriting on the top papers.

'What is all this?' she asked, reluctant to touch them, let alone read them. Her resentment towards the old wizard had not dissipated with his death.

'It's proof,' Remus told her, eyes fixed on her face, watching for any hint that this was too much. 'There's a letter from Dumbledore. He left it with his brother, Aberforth. He kept it in his vault and, with all the confusion after the war, it took a while for him to realise it was what we were looking for. It's a…confession of sorts. He writes about you and Severus, about where your true allegiances lay. It was the proof we needed to get you released from Azkaban.'

Ashlin looked at the letter then shifted it aside, not all that sure she wanted to read what the man had to say. 'And these?' she asked then frowned. 'This is Severus' writing.'

'Again, there is a letter proclaiming your innocence,' he said, smiling at her. 'They were both determined to see you exonerated. There is also a sealed letter. It is charmed and can only be opened by you.'

He watched closely as Ashlin's jaw tensed and her finger lightly traced the black ink of her name, written by Snape's hand. It was a gentle touch, tender almost, and Remus frowned a little. Although his dislike for Severus had eased once he'd discovered that the man had been a hero, he felt a sudden, inexplicable resurgence.

'Are you alright?' he asked and she looked up, blinking a little.

'Yeah,' she muttered, putting Severus' letters aside and looking at the rest of the parchment which contained a lot of legal mumbo jumbo.

'That is your parent's will,' he said and she frowned down at it. 'Kingsley got hold of it and gave it to me to keep for you. I haven't looked through it.'

She nodded then picked up Severus' letters again. 'Do you mind if I go for a walk?' she asked as she stood and he shook his head.

'Ash, there is something else,' he said softly. 'Sirius' bedroom. Harry and I were cleaning it out not long after he died and I found a marked box from his old flat. It said 'Private' so I put it aside - I didn't look through it. I thought you might want...'

His voice trailed off and for a long moment, Ashlin just stared at him, green eyes wide and pained. 'I don't know if I can do that yet,' she whispered and he nodded.

'Take your time,' he told her. "There's no rush.'

She gave him a little smile then turned and walked out the front door.

* * *

He left her alone to her reading until he smelled the unmistakeable odour of tobacco an hour later, wafting in from the porch.

'I didn't know you smoked,' he said, watching her from the doorway.

She was sitting on a chair at the small table there, legs drawn to her chest, an arm held out in front of her with a lit cigarette dangling from her long, thin fingers.

Ashlin looked over at him and smiled. 'I don't anymore,' she said, lifting the hand that held the cigarette. 'I found this in the pocket of my old robe. I was trying to quit just before the war. Severus hated it.'

She let out a little laugh. 'Getting sent to Azkaban certainly made quitting easier. I'm not inhaling, I swear. I just…needed to smell it.'

He moved closer and saw the glisten of already shed tears at the corner of her eye.

'Do you want me to give you some space?' he asked but she shook her head, picking up the parchment and tossing it to him across the small table.

'I'd like you to read it,' she said softly. 'If you don't mind. I…I want you to see the Severus I knew.'

Remus sat down in the chair opposite her and picked up the letters, feeling a bit like a voyeur. The first he'd read before but the second…the second was a surprise.

_Ashlin,_

_I have little hope for surviving the upcoming battle and I'm not sure I wish to. If you should survive me, I've left instructions that my home and belongings should be turned over to you and you may do with them as you wish._

_You once told me I deserved to be loved; that you hoped that, when it was all over, I would allow someone to do so. I wish the same for you, Ashlin. Do not close your heart as I did. It is a lonely and worthless existence. I was wrong when I told you that we belong to the dark. You are not a creature of the night as I was. You brought me light at a time when I needed it the most and I am grateful to you. I am grateful for you._

_I regret that I couldn't be the one to love you as you deserve to be loved._

_Severus_

Remus looked over at Ashlin, catching her brushing a tear off her cheek. 'You were close,' he said, stating the obvious.

'Yeah,' she murmured, flicking the cigarette so the ash dropped off the end. 'We were sleeping together for about a year. The first man to make me feel any damn thing since Sirius.'

Remus wasn't all that surprised to learn her and Snape had a physical relationship but he was startled by the content of the letter; the intimacy it seemed they had shared.

'Did you love him?' he asked quietly.

Ashlin looked out over the sparse area he called a lawn and sighed. 'Not the way I loved Sirius,' she said, her voice low. 'Not the way I want to ever love anyone again. But, in some complicated, inexplicable way… yes. I loved him.'

She looked over at him. 'It was a comfort - to have someone remind me what it felt like to be touched and…cared for, even if it wasn't real. I…I was used as a plaything by many men during my time as a Death Eater, including Severus once or twice and Voldemort himself.'

She saw his horror and shook her head. 'Severus saved me from a lot more abuse; he protected me. He held me together when I started to crack and I hope I did the same for him. He was a very different man to the one you and Sirius knew. He was gentle and kind and considerate and…I miss him. I don't ever want to love anyone again the way I love him because it is disturbing and dark and nothing like what love should be…but I miss him all the same.'

Tears had started to roll down her cheeks and she let out a half sob-half laugh as she wiped them away.

'God, Remus. I am so fucked up.'

**Review? Please?**


	19. Chapter 19

_Thanks for all the reviews for last chapter. I know how many people are following this and I thank everyone else for reading (even though a review would be great as well!)_

_Tonks/Remus fans, if you're reading (and I'm not sure why you would be but thanks) I apologise for the way the pink haired menace is treated. I don't dislike her, I just **hate** her with Remus. _

_WARNING: Mention of pregnancy loss._

* * *

__

_**Sometimes the lies you tell are less frightening than the loneliness you might feel if you stopped telling them. **_

_**Brock Clarke**_

Chapter Nineteen

**Two months later **

'And _that _is everything,' Kingsley said, leaning back in his chair and smiling at Ashlin. 'You are now an extraordinarily wealthy woman.'

She finished the loop on the 'g' of her signature on the papers and put the pen down, giving him a strained smile. 'I'm willing to bet my cousins are less than thrilled to have their fortune ripped out from under them with only months until they could have inherited.'

Kingsley let out a deep throated chuckle and stood up, Ashlin copying him. She'd just finished signing the papers to transfer her parents' estate to herself after almost seven weeks of wrangling with her surviving relatives.

'No,' he agreed with a grin as he moved around his desk. 'And they weren't afraid of expressing their displeasure either.'

She smiled and walked to the door of his office. 'Thank you for handling this for me, Minister,' she said and he frowned a little.

'How many times have I asked you to call me Kingsley?' he admonished and she smiled an apology.

'Sorry,' she murmured then held out her hand. 'Thank you, _Kingsley_.'

His smile became contemplative and he stepped a little closer as he took her hand. 'Um, this might be a bit soon for you but…' He hesitated then continued. 'If you'd ever want to come out for a drink with me, I'd really like that.'

She looked a little startled then smiled. 'Considering you've seen me at my very worst, I'm flattered, Kingsley,' she said softly. 'But I'm not sure it's a good look for the Minister of Magic to be having drinks with a former Death Eater.'

'You weren't a Death Eater, Ashlin,' he began but she shook her head.

'See, that's the mistake you and Remus keep making,' she told him, with a pained expression. 'I may not have enjoyed my task in the way that the others did, but I still did it. And that _does _make me a Death Eater in almost everyone's eyes. As long as I've got this…,' she lifted her arm and pulled back her sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark. 'That's all that I'll be seen as. Just ask your Aurors.'

Kingsley frowned.

* * *

_The first time Ashlin had come to the Ministry at his request, several of his Aurors had made sure they got their feelings about her release across, one in the process of clearing his sinuses to spit on her before Kingsley caught them. _

'_Say the word, Ashlin,' he said angrily. 'And they'll be out on their asses.' _

_But she shook her head, letting him get her a drink of Firewhiskey to calm her nerves. Unbeknownst to Ashlin, he had gone ahead and sacked the worst of the offenders and given the rest of the Ministry a warning - back off Ashlin King or look for another job. _

_Remus, when he heard what had happened, was furious, insisting Kingsley sack all the Aurors involved but Ashlin calmed him down. _

'_They were only saying what everyone else is thinking, Remus,' she said in a low voice. _

_He'd dropped the subject after she begged him to leave it but refused to let her go back to the Ministry (or anywhere) by herself until now._

* * *

'You know I don't give a rat's ass what they think of me, Ashlin,' he said and she smiled.

'No, but you do have an image to maintain regardless.'

Kingsley cocked his head to the side. 'So…is that your way of letting me down gently?' he asked and she laughed softly.

'I'm sorry,' she said, smile fading. 'There's something I have to do before I can think about moving on with anyone. Something I've been putting off.'

'Sirius?' he asked and she looked surprised.

'Remus told me,' he explained. 'When we were trying to find evidence of your innocence, he and I went through Dumbledore's vault and your parent's house. It made sense to look there but when we didn't find anything, he wanted to go through Sirius' bedroom again. I wondered why and he explained about your history.'

He raised an eyebrow. 'He's a surprisingly stubborn man - Remus Lupin. He refused to let it go - he wouldn't let any of us stop until we found the proof.'

'Yes, he can be incredibly pig headed,' Ashlin agreed, smiling affectionately as she thought of her friend.

Her smile dimmed a little as she realised she'd be moving out of his house now she had her inheritance. She and Remus had become very comfortable with each other and he had been a good friend. She enjoyed spending time with him and was suddenly a little disappointed about having to leave.

'I'm going to miss him,' she thought.

'Listen, Ashlin,' Kingsley said quietly. 'When you've been able to say goodbye and you're ready to start over, keep me in mind.'

She smiled and nodded, sliding her hand out of his and mumbling a good bye.

* * *

She apparated back to Remus' house and startled him as he was pouring a glass of juice. 'Oops,' she said, grabbing her wand from her pocket and siphoning up the spilt liquid.

'Thanks,' he said, smiling at her. 'You're back earlier than I thought you'd be.' He handed her the sandwich he'd just made. 'Here, I'll make another.'

She sighed but knew better than to argue with him. Remus had spend a substantial amount of time over the past two months 'fattening her up'. His constant stream of food had worked, Ashlin gaining several kilograms in a short time. She looked and felt healthier physically, but emotionally - she knew she was still stunted. Talking with Remus and crying on his shoulder had helped enormously but she hated to burden the man with her problems when he had enough of his own. He didn't like to talk about it - each time she asked about his wife, he froze up and changed the subject.

'If I have to face up to what I've been avoiding, so does he,' she thought, watching him put a sandwich on a plate and walk over to the table to join her.

'What?' he asked, noticing she was staring at him.

'Why don't you talk about your wife?' she asked abruptly and his jaw clenched.

'It's hard,' he muttered, looking down at his plate. 'You don't like to talk about Sirius…'

'No,' she agreed, her gaze still on him. 'But I think it's time I did.'

He looked up at her in surprise. Every time he asked if she wanted to go to sort through Sirius' belongings, she put him off saying she wasn't ready and he was surprised that this change of heart had seemingly come out of nowhere.

'You want to go to Grimmauld Place?' he asked. Ashlin nodded, picking at her sandwich. 'What's bought this on?'

'Kingsley asked me to go for a drink with him,' she said and he frowned.

'He hit on you?' he asked in an outraged tone, feeling as though his stomach had just dropped out.

'For Gods sake,' he thought to himself. 'The man should know better. She's not ready for that.'

'No,' she said quickly, seeing the flash of anger in his eyes. 'No, he was very sweet and just asked if I'd think of him when I was ready to start dating. But he got me thinking…I'm never going to be able to truly get on with my life until I…until I say goodbye.'

She looked up at Remus who was looking straight at her with a deep frown. 'And neither can you.'

He shook his head. 'It's not the same, Ash,' he said, dismissively, his tone indicating that as far as he was concerned, that was the end of the conversation.

'Why not?' she asked, deciding to push him instead of dropping the subject this time. 'I know Sirius and I weren't married but I lost someone I love just like you did…'

'No, I didn't,' he said sharply, standing up. 'That's the difference. I…I didn't love Tonks. Not the way you loved Sirius. It's not the same.'

He turned and strode out the door, slamming it behind him.

* * *

He came back an hour later, knocking on the open door of the study he and Ashlin had turned into a second bedroom when they realised her stay would be an extended one. She was sprawled across her bed, contemplating the ceiling but looked over when she heard the soft rap.

'Is that offer of a friendly ear still on the table?' he asked quietly and she nodded, sitting up. Remus sighed when he sat on the bed, mimicking her cross-legged pose. He was silent for a few moments while he tried to work out where to begin.

'Tonks had told me that she had feelings for me just after Sirius died,' he began, looking down at the patchwork blanket on the bed. 'I was grieving, she was grieving and…it just happened one night. We'd both had too much to drink and were trying to comfort each other…'

He rubbed at his forehead. 'I told her it was a mistake; that it couldn't happen again. And then it did. Again, when we both needed someone; needed a reminder that we were still alive. It was just after Dumbledore was killed…'

Remus looked up, regret in his face. 'I was lonely…as you well know since I tried to molest you a day earlier…'

'Remus,' she said, shaking her head. 'An attempt to kiss me while we were both needing comfort is not tantamount to molestation. We both know what that was about. Tell me about Tonks.'

'It was just the one time again - I left as soon as it was over and told her I couldn't see her again; that it wasn't fair of me to sleep with her when I didn't feel the same way she did. I'm ashamed of the way I behaved towards her: not just that night but also three weeks later when she told me she was pregnant.'

Ashlin's jaw dropped a little but she just nodded, silently encouraging him. 'I completely lost it. I was furious, blaming her even though I'd made no attempt to prevent a pregnancy myself. But…I wanted to do the right thing so I married her. A month later, she miscarried.'

'Oh, Remus. I'm so sorry,' she said, reaching across the bed to take his hand.

He squeezed it in response and kept talking, finding that finally telling someone all about it was cathartic.

'We talked about splitting up but…' He sighed heavily. 'She loved me and it felt good to be loved. It was easier to tell myself that I could grow to love her than to face going back to being lonely. I was lying to myself and to Tonks so I wouldn't have to be alone again. It was cruel… and I am ashamed that my actions may have cost Tonks her life.'

Ashlin looked confused. 'I thought she was killed at Hogwarts…?'

'She was looking for me,' he told her, his voice despairing. 'She saw me battling Dolohov and lost concentration, allowing Bellatrix to get through her defences.'

Ashlin's hand tightened on his and Remus felt a burning in his throat as he tried to hold back the flood of tears that had been dammed for far too long.

'She deserved better,' he rasped, blinking rapidly. 'She was a kind and sweet woman, and she deserved to be loved completely…Why couldn't I love her like that?'

His voice broke and she moved to sit next to him. 'Remus, let it go now,' she said softly, putting her arm around him. 'You can't hang onto this; you can't keep punishing yourself. You cared for her; you shared your life with her; you were going to have a child with her. And now you need to grieve for her.'

He felt a wave of sorrow crash into him and let out a strangled sob. As his head dropped to Ashlin's shoulder, the tears came and he finally let himself grieve for the woman he wished he could have loved.

**_Review? Please? Even though I killed off Teddy? _**


	20. Chapter 20

_Hiya! Thanks to all those who are reviewing. Again, would love to hear from those who are reading but have not so far given their verdict on this fic._

_This is the chapter where Ashlin finally visits Grimmauld Place. Quite emotional and I swear, it will get lighter after this._

_Memories (in italics) are random - just flashes that come to her._

_WARNING: Mentions of self harm._

* * *

**_There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. _**

**_Author Unknown_**

Chapter Twenty

'_Did I __really _just cry myself to sleep?' came the voice still hoarse from slumber.

Ashlin looked up from the newspaper she was reading at the kitchen table. 'Afraid so,' she said with a smile at Remus, who yawned broadly. 'You've been snoring for four hours. I think we've discovered why you've been somewhat of an insomniac of late. Hopefully, you'll be able to sleep better now you've gotten a release of sorts.'

He mumbled an agreement and pushed her feet gently off the second chair so he could sit down. 'What are you doing?' he asked, grabbing her bottle of Butterbeer and taking a sip.

'Job hunting,' she murmured, burying her face back in the Daily Prophet.

'You don't need the money, surely?' Remus said surprised, pushing her drink back towards her.

'No, I don't,' she agreed. 'But I need something to do with my time. I never enjoyed being idle and I think it'll help if I can focus my attention on something else.'

She sighed and threw the paper back onto the table. 'But not many people are looking to hire a former Death Eater.'

'Ash,' he said sharply in rebuke and she grimaced.

'Sorry,' she muttered, lifting her bottle to her mouth. 'It's true though.' She put the Butterbeer down and slid it back towards him. 'How do you feel?'

Reaching for the bottle, he gave her a rueful smile. 'Better,' he admitted before he took another mouthful of the offered drink. 'Thanks for letting me cry all over you.'

He held the bottle out to her. 'Now it's your turn.'

Ashlin bit her lip and nodded, apprehension evident on her face. 'I owled Harry while you were asleep,' she said softly, taking the bottle off him and rolling it between her palms. 'He's expecting us.' She looked up at him. 'If you want to come, that is. You don't have to…'

'Of course I'll come with you,' he said, standing up. 'I wouldn't let you do this alone, Ash.' He smiled at her, running his hand over her hair then surprised her by kissing the top of her head in a very paternal way before he moved to his bedroom to change.

Ashlin was relieved that Remus was coming with her. She felt safer around him and she was already sick to the stomach at the thought of being in the house where Sirius had lived; touching his things…Remus made her feel stronger.

* * *

They apparated to Grimmauld Place, Harry giving them a smile when he answered the door. 'How are you, Harry?' Remus asked, giving the boy a quick hug.

'I'm alright,' he murmured, patting Remus on the back then pulling away, eyes moving to Ashlin. They hadn't been in a room together since St Mungos. Remus, with Ashlin's permission had explained the relationship between her and Sirius and asked the teenager to give her some time to recover before he approached her.

'Hi,' he said now, still uncertain about this woman even though Remus had shown her the proof of her claims in Dumbledore's handwriting.

Ashlin mumbled a greeting, already feeling as though she was going to jump out of her skin. Suddenly, she didn't feel ready to do this at all.

'I haven't been in there since you were here last,' Harry said, turning back to Remus. 'I didn't want to mess anything up. Once you've both … done what you need to do, I'll pack everything up and put it away. Take whatever you want.'

Remus nodded and they both looked at Ashlin who was pale. 'You ready?' Remus asked and she nodded slowly then shook her head.

'No,' she whispered. 'But let's do it anyway.'

* * *

It felt like the walk to the second floor took both hours and only an instant, and then she was staring at the door to Sirius' bedroom. Remus opened it and walked inside, taking a deep breath when he saw the Gryffindor flag on the wall; the photographs of all four Marauders as teenagers. His eyes closed as the four boys waved cheerfully at him from the picture, pain shooting through him.

'God, will this ever get easier?' he thought in frustration. He was supposed to be here for Ashlin, to help her through this, not to indulge his own grief.

He bent over and picked up a box marked 'Private', heaving it up onto the bed and sending dust flying into the air. Harry opened a window and a weak ray of light cut through the darkness of the room. Remus turned to speak to Ashlin, but his words froze on his lips when he saw her apprehensive face; her wide, scared eyes. He quickly moved to her side, feeling her shaking when he put his hand on her shoulder.

'Ash, we don't have to do this,' he said urgently, his voice low. 'Honey, let's just go…'

'No,' she whispered hoarsely, shaking her head. She stepped forward, touching the bedpost. 'I…I think I need to do this alone.'

Remus frowned. 'Are you sure?' he asked and she nodded then turned to look at him.

'Can you stay nearby? Just in case?'

He murmured an affirmative, taking her hand and squeezing lightly before he waved Harry out the door. He paused in the doorway then pulled the door closed behind him, leaving it slightly ajar.

Harry asked if he wanted a cup of tea but he shook his head, leaning against the wall just a little way down the hall.

'I want to stay close,' he said softly and Harry looked at him curiously.

'You…you and Ashlin are good friends?' he said haltingly and Remus glanced over at him.

'Yes, we are,' he agreed, realising it was true. In a relatively short time, they had become close in a way he'd only let a few people in his life become. He saw the expression on Harry's face and suddenly comprehension hit.

'No, Harry,' he said hastily. 'There's nothing else going on. We're friends. That's all.'

Harry frowned. 'I wasn't sure,' he said, a little embarrassed by the subject matter. 'You…you called her…honey.'

Remus looked startled. 'Did I?' he said, trying to recall himself saying that, then shrugged. 'It doesn't mean anything. Slip of the tongue.'

Harry nodded and looked at the partially closed door. 'She _really_ loved Sirius?' he asked and Remus smiled.

'She really did,' he told him. 'And he really loved her.' He looked at the door as well and sighed. 'This is a big step for her but it's not going to be easy. She's held onto him for a very long time and...I'm not sure she knows how to start to let him go.'

* * *

Ashlin sat on the bed after Remus left, taking a deep breath. 'God, I can still smell him,' she thought, tears rising to her eyes and she shut them tight.

As she inhaled that scent - that spicy, musky smell that was unique to Sirius - memories flooded her mind.

* * *

'_And this is where you're the most ticklish,' she murmured, running her fingers lightly over his inner thigh as proof of how well she knew his body. He squirmed and chuckled, proving her point._

'_And this,' she whispered, rubbing her cheek along the length of his erection. 'This is my second favourite part of your body.' _

'_What the hell is the first?' he growled, arching up a little as she blew hot air over his cock. _

_'This,' she said, shifting up his body to kiss his lips then wrapped her hand around his shaft. 'But this is a _very_ close second.' _

_Sirius grinned then moaned as she slid back down his chest to take him in her mouth._

* * *

'_Come here, baby,' he said with a sad smile, pulling her to his chest. _

_They had met briefly for the first time in three days, Sirius having been sent abroad by the Order. They only had a few minutes together before Sirius had to apparate back to the Order safe house he'd been staying in. Ashlin__ buried her face in his neck, breathing hard to try and inhale enough of him so she could survive their parting as they went about their separate tasks. She could feel him doing the same, pressing his face into her hair._

'_I miss you, Ash. I'm nearly finished. I'll be home soon, I promise.'_

* * *

_Walking through a crowded street, his hand reaching for hers, their fingers linking together - a perfect fit._

* * *

'_Stop it!' she mumbled, pushing his head away from her neck as she tried to read. _

'_Ash,' he wheedled, nuzzling her neck with his nose then kissing her pulse point. 'Baby, I gotta go tomorrow. Give me an appropriate send off.' _

_She resisted, still pissed off he'd accepted the last minute mission, and he rolled off the couch onto the floor. He knelt between her legs, pushing them apart as his hands ran up her thighs. _

'_What…?' she asked but Sirius shook his head. _

'_You just keep reading,' he said with a cheeky smile as he yanked her skirt up. 'I'll find some way to occupy myself.' _

_He pressed his mouth to her inner thigh, lips burning a path up her leg. Ashlin groaned and the book fell to the ground with a thud._

* * *

_He cupped her face before he left on his latest mission. 'I love you, Ash,' he whispered then kissed her softly before he smiled and disapparated._

* * *

She was shaking badly as she looked through the box of Sirius' belongings from his flat. There were some books, framed photographs of him with James, Remus, Peter and Lily, quite a few of Harry as an infant, then one obviously well handled photograph of the two of them. He'd set up his camera late one night to take this after they realised they didn't have any photographs of them together.

'So you've got something to weep over when I'm dead and gone,' he'd joked once they'd taken it, then apologised and kissed her to make up for his thoughtless words.

Ashlin ran her finger over his grinning face then watched as he turned and kissed her younger self, wrapping his arms around her and bending her back in a dip. She brushed her tears off her cheeks as she closed her eyes, unable to look at the photograph without remembering how they'd lain awake all that night making plans for after the war.

She put it aside and kept searching, finding another couple of items she wanted for herself before she came across something he'd kept hidden from her, something he'd never told her about, something that just about broke her already cracked heart.

'God,' she whispered, feeling her breath coming fast and suddenly the agony in her chest was too much. Unable to stand being surrounded by Sirius any longer, she grabbed all the things she'd put aside and ran out the door, startling Remus who'd been sitting on the floor in the hall.

'I want to go,' she gasped as he pushed himself to his feet.

'Ash?' he said but she rushed past him.

He caught up and said a hasty goodbye to Harry, taking a trembling Ashlin's arm and apparating them back to his place.

* * *

She locked herself in her room when they arrived home. Remus tried several times throughout the evening to get her to come out then finally went to toss and turn in his own bed.

It was late when he thought he heard her footsteps then the squeak of the bathroom door. He waited a few minutes then he frowned, inexplicably uneasy all of a sudden. Sitting up, he listened carefully but everything was quiet. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and padded softly towards the bathroom. The door was cracked but the room was dim, only a little moonlight shining in from the window.

'Ash?' he whispered, pushing open the door then letting out a sharp exhale. 'Damn it, Ashlin!'

'It's not deep,' she mumbled, watching the blood drip from the long cut on her thigh onto the pale tiles below.

Remus grabbed a towel and dropped down to the ground next to her, holding it to her leg firmly. 'Why did you do that?' he asked, worried, angry and confused all at the same time. If this was a suicide attempt, it was a pretty strange one.

'It makes me feel better,' she said, closing her eyes and suddenly, Remus understood. 'Takes some of the pain away. Some people drink; some people do drugs; I bleed.'

She shifted and Remus saw the silver knife in her hand, the same knife she'd held to his throat close to two years ago. 'Give me the knife, Ash,' he said softly, holding out his hand.

He saw her fingers tighten on the hilt and he was very scared. One swipe across her throat and she'd finish what she began that night in the Shrieking Shack. He caught sight of some items on the floor and tried to distract her.

'Ash, show me what you took today.'

She didn't move for a few moments then slowly reached down for the photo, holding it out to him. 'I know this photo,' Remus said, pressing harder on her thigh as he tried to stop the flow of blood and wishing he'd thought to grab his wand. 'He kept this next to his bed.'

'Did he?' she whispered and he nodded. He saw tears glimmering in her eyes and wanted to keep her talking; to try and get her to release some of the despair that was eating her up.

'What's that?' he asked and she picked up the ring he'd pointed to.

'I had it made for him for his birthday,' she told him, tracing the ornate 'S' that had been engraved into the platinum.

She let it fall from her hand then picked up a crumpled piece of paper, still holding the knife. 'He left this on my pillow once when he had to leave in the middle of the night,' she said, her voice tremulous.

She smiled sadly. 'He said he wasn't good with words,' she murmured, the tears falling. 'But he didn't need to be. I didn't want poetry - this is all I needed.'

He saw the words, 'I'll miss you. I love you,' and an 'S' with a love heart next to it. The hand holding the knife was shaking now but her hand had tightened, her knuckles white.

'He wouldn't want you to do this, Ash,' Remus said desperately, worried she had fallen too far, that she had held onto Sirius for too long. 'You know he wouldn't.'

'I can't…' she pressed a hand to her chest, tapping it and she seemed to struggle for breath. 'I can't let him go. I don't know how to let him go.'

She looked at him for the first time and saw the worry in his eyes; the pain on his face. 'I'm sorry,' she said, realising how frightened he was for her. Seeing his fear bought her back from the brink she'd been balancing precariously on. 'I wasn't going to… It just helps sometimes. I promised myself I wouldn't do it anymore; that I'd deal with my problems in a healthier way…I blew it.'

'No,' he said, quickly, touching her face and making her look at him. 'We all fall, Ash. It's whether we pick ourselves up again or not that shows how strong we really are. This is a setback but we'll deal with it. Ok? I'll help you back up again.'

She nodded and the knife fell to the ground. Remus picked it up carefully, trying to avoid the silver and his hand hit a small box.

'What's that?' he asked, tossing the knife across the room, and she picked it up, turning it over in her hand.

'I didn't know he had this,' she said, her voice shaking so hard it was difficult to understand her. 'He never told me he'd bought it.' Her hands trembled violently and tears fell so fast they were soaking her shirt. Remus reached out and took it from her hands, opening it.

'Oh, Ashlin,' he said softly, staring at the diamond and gold engagement ring. He pulled it out and, straining his eyes, he saw both their names engraved on the inside of the band. He'd known Sirius had loved her but he hadn't realised until now exactly how committed he'd been, how deeply his flirty friend had finally fallen.

A strangled sob tried to escape but she fought it down. 'He asked,' she whispered, looking at the ring as an intolerable anguish burnt in her chest. 'He asked me to marry him but he never told me he'd bought the ring.'

A whimper of pain slipped from her lips and Remus turned to her. 'Ash, I'm so sorry,' he said hoarsely, his own tears falling now. 'Things should have been so different for the two of you.' He cupped her face with his free hand and drew her to him. 'He'd want you to let him go. He loved you too much to want you to keep hurting like this.'

She started to rock backwards and forwards and her shoulders shook as silent, heart wrenching sobs racked her body. 'Let go now, Ash,' he whispered, holding her tight. 'I promise I'll be here to catch you.'

A groan turned into a wail and the dam burst, her still frail body threatening to break under the force of her grief. Remus held her tight as she wept, finally finding the strength to begin to let go of the man she had loved for so many years.

**_Reviews please! :-) I promise, it'll get lighter from here._**


	21. Chapter 21

_Cheers to all who are reviewing - very happy there were some tears last chapter...I sobbed like a baby writing it (I'm such a loser)._

_If you're reading and not reviewing - you're running out of time to immortalise your opinion...only 5 chapters left after this._

_As promised, things are lightening up from now on as long ignored libido's wave their hands and say, 'Here we are!' _

_WARNING: Sexual tension..._

* * *

_**The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live. - Elbert Hubbard**_

Chapter Twenty One

**Five weeks later **

'It's…nice?' Remus said tentatively, biting his lip to hide his smile as he looked over at Ashlin.

She shot him a reproachful glare before she walked across the room and yanked open the heavy, burgundy curtains. A cloud of dust rose, making her cough as she waved her hand in front of her face to try and clear the air. The room didn't look much better in the sunlight and Ashlin sighed.

'This is going to be harder than I thought,' she murmured, looking a little disheartened.

She had finally gotten around to visiting her childhood home but was shocked to see its state of disrepair. 'I didn't realise it was so bad,' she said to Remus as they moved through the living room, pulling open velvet drapes as they went.

The furniture was old - not antique 'old' but rundown 'old'; the carpet threadbare and smelly. Cobwebs and dust clung to every surface and the musty smell was beginning to give her a headache. Ashlin unlocked the nearest window, trying to push the disused frame up to no avail.

'Let me try,' Remus said and she stepped out of the way, watching as he tried just as unsuccessfully to lift it, then pulled his wand out. He pointed it at the window and it crashed open, shattering the pane of glass.

'Oops,' he said with a shocked look and Ashlin giggled at his expression.

He looked at her then grinned in delight. 'Wow. I would've smashed every window in my house a month ago if I knew that was what it would take for me to hear that sound again,' he teased, grin widening when she flushed a little. It had been a long time since she'd laughed and she had surprised even herself with the giggle.

* * *

For days after her breakdown, she'd remained in bed, alternating between staring non responsively at the ceiling, and sobbing into either her pillow or Remus' shoulder. She refused food and slept fitfully as the shadows that had been momentarily pushed aside began to take hold of her once again.

After just over a week of feeling helpless to do anything for her, Remus had enough, literally dragging Ashlin out of bed (not quite kicking and screaming but certainly complaining). He made her sit down under a tree with him and eat something, keeping her there for the afternoon, talking non-stop until she began to participate in the so far one sided conversation. When the sun went down, he stood and pulled her to her feet.

'Thanks,' she said softly and he smiled.

'No problem,' he replied, giving her a one-armed hug before they went back inside.

She slowly changed as the days turned to weeks, the darkness that had been threatening to consume her began to lose its grasp on her heart and soul, and Remus was startled but pleased when he caught the occasional glimpse of the woman he'd met many years ago. The sparkle he remembered from their school days shone through more and more often and she smiled easier.

Physically, she was still too thin but she looked much healthier - her body regaining a few of the curves he used to fantasise about as a fifteen year old. Her hair had grown, soft blonde waves falling to her shoulders (she'd used a spell to rid herself of the grey - Remus teasing her mercilessly about her vanity), and her face could be described as beautiful again - even marked as it was with premature creases and the long scar Voldemort had given her.

It had taken some time, but she finally felt like she was ready to start her life again, beginning with moving into her own house - a plan that looked like it might be a little more difficult to implement than she'd anticipated as they took in the condition of the house.

* * *

Remus waved his wand now, repairing the shattered pane of glass and watching it return to the frame. He'd been heartened by hearing Ashlin laugh. He'd been so anxious about her state of mind for the past few weeks and concerned that she was going to give in to her old habits and hurt herself in her grief. Unbeknownst to the woman, he'd taken to checking on her throughout the night, needing to see the steady rise and fall of her chest for himself before he was satisfied that she was alright. And even though now she was emotionally stronger, he had been finding it difficult to stop himself from making his way to her room to sit and watch her sleep.

He was finding slumber elusive again, as it had been for a long time until he had finally faced his feelings about Tonks' death and Remus was wondering if seeing Ashlin's grief for Sirius had bought some unresolved emotions of his own to the surface. Perhaps he hadn't put the ghost of his friend to rest? He'd hoped that, by helping Ashlin, he would stop feeling as though he'd betrayed his friend by keeping her from him in the last year of his life. He'd explained himself to Ashlin, who told him she didn't hold him responsible for Dumbledore's actions, but the niggling 'what if' was still there.

He'd been surprised by the sharp stab of combined disappointment and loss he'd experienced when Ashlin announced she was going to move out.

'I think I've imposed on you long enough,' she said with a smile last night.

'You don't have to, Ash. You know you're welcome to stay as long as you like,' he'd argued but she shook her head.

'In order to start to get on with my life, I need to stop leaning so heavily on you,' she'd said softly then looked at him piercingly. 'I need to make sure I don't replace an old bad habit with a new one.'

His frown had deepened and he turned to check dinner, knowing exactly what she meant. Ashlin wasn't hurting herself anymore - seeking help from a counsellor to avoid falling back into the habit - but they were both aware that they'd come to rely too much on each other for reassurance; for comfort. Their relationship was in danger of becoming unhealthily co-dependant and neither of them wanted to ruin a friendship they both valued.

* * *

'None of the furniture is going to be usable,' she called and he realised she'd wandered across to the other side of the room. 'Anything that was valuable was put into the family vault. I don't really want any of it. The relatives can fight over it and I'll get some stuff that suits me a bit better.'

He looked at the dilapidated table and chairs and nodded. This wasn't really Ashlin's style. It was dark and ornate, unnecessarily fancy. He instinctively knew that Ashlin would favour lighter grains and plainer design. Remus said this and she smiled brightly.

'Good guess,' she said, looking impressed. 'You want to take a stab at the colour I'm thinking of for the walls?'

He chuckled and looked around thoughtfully. The room was dark and dreary, desperately needing lightening up. He glanced back at Ashlin, who had spent so much of her life in the dark: first here, then with the Death Eaters. She'd want it to be light, to bring in the sunshine and clear skies.

'White,' he said with certainty. 'White walls and maybe some yellow or light blues or greens.'

Ashlin looked startled but nodded. 'Yeah,' she said, a little unnerved by his accuracy. 'Am I that predictable?'

Remus let out a breath of laughter. 'You are anything but predictable, Ash,' he told her with a grin. 'I guess I've just gotten to know you pretty well.'

She smiled, slightly alarmed by the warm feeling that blossomed inside her when his smile reached his eyes, then turned away from him, shaking it off. 'I'm going to check out the upstairs.'

* * *

They opened up the whole house then spent a couple of hours using their wands to siphon up the dust and cobwebs. They shrank the old furniture then Ashlin Vanished it. Remus used a spell to lift the worn carpets then Ashlin made them disappear as well. They walked around, identifying and repairing any small breakages and working out how much furniture she was going to need.

It was dark before they took a break, Ashlin collapsing dramatically on the now bare floorboards with a heavy sigh, making him laugh.

She grinned at him then winced as a splinter poked her in the leg. 'I'll get someone in to sand and polish these,' she said, running her hand over the boards as he sank down next to her, his back complaining. 'But I'll paint these walls first then get some furniture.'

She turned her head to look up at him, catching his grimace as a spasm tightened already sore muscles. 'Your back again?' she said sympathetically and he nodded, shrugging.

'It's fine,' he mumbled but she sat up, scooting across the floor a little so she was sitting behind him.

'Here?' she asked, slipping a hand under his shirt and laying it on his lower back. He jumped a little at the touch but couldn't help his groan as his back clenched again.

'Don't bother answering,' she told him, fingers pressing harder now. 'I felt that.' Her hands moved, rubbing at the tight muscle and he bit his lip, unable to successfully hold back his moan of gratitude.

'It's alright, Ash. You don't have to…' he began but she just murmured, 'Shh. It's my fault it's aching. I shouldn't have let you do so much.'

He stopped arguing as her hands worked magic on the sore muscles, accepting the massage silently but with a slight frown as he realised that her touch was warming his skin a little more than it should have been.

'You know, it's going to take a while to get this all this stuff done here,' she said after a few minutes, her breath tickling the back of his neck and making his skin break out in goose bumps. 'Do you mind if I take advantage of you for a little longer?'

He smiled and shrugged. 'It's been a long time since someone took advantage of me, Ash,' he teased. 'I look forward to it.'

Ashlin was surprised. Was he flirting with her? Disturbed that her heart seemed to speed up a little at the thought, she smiled and took her hands off him. 'Better?' she asked as she stood up.

Remus nodded, thanking her as he tugged the back of his shirt down, trying to ignore the way his skin was tingling where she'd touched him.

'It's been way too long,' he thought, annoyed his long ignored libido was starting to affect the time he spent with Ashlin. 'Maybe I need to go out and get laid before I do something stupid.'

'You think we're too grubby for the Leaky Cauldron?' she asked, smiling at him and distracting him from his thoughts. 'I'll take you out for dinner to say thanks for your help today.'

'You don't have to do that,' he said, more out of habit than actual reluctance. They'd been stuck in his house for too long and a meal out sounded fantastic.

'I know,' she said, extending her hand to him. 'I want to.'

He took her hand and she pulled him up, neither of them letting go until after they disapparated, appearing outside the Leaky Cauldron.

* * *

They ate heartily, having missed lunch, and drank far too much mead. It had been a long time since either of them had drunk alcohol seriously and the sweet elixir had hit them hard, making apparition a non viable option.

'We'll just get some rooms,' Ashlin said unconcerned, when Remus commented on his light head as they ordered sweets.

'That house is going to take a while to paint and get set up,' she said a little later over a dessert of fruit salad for her, cake for Remus.

'Mmm,' he agreed, watching in growing amusement as she eyed off his cake. 'It's pretty big. Won't you feel like you're going crazy in all that space?'

Ashlin sighed, poking at her fruit salad and wishing she'd ordered the cake. 'Probably,' she admitted. 'But I can't impose on you forever.'

'Sure you can,' he said then chuckled as her eyes returned to his plate. 'Ash, just take some. I can't eat it all anyway.'

She looked up in surprise. 'Was I that obvious?' she said and he nodded.

'Yeah, you were,' he told her, using his fork to break the slice of mud cake in half.

'No, thanks,' she said, regretfully. 'You've gotten me too used to feeding my face. I barely fit into my new clothes now as it is.'

'For God's sake, Ash,' he muttered, transferring the chunk of cake to her plate then pinching some berries for himself. 'You're as gorgeous as you ever were - maybe a bit too skinny still, if anything. Eat the damn cake.'

She flushed but ate the cake.

* * *

They talked about their childhood and school days for the remainder of the evening until the barman came over to tell them he was closing up. Ashlin, overriding Remus' objections, organised two rooms for them before they went upstairs, stumbling a little on the uneven steps.

'Remus, you've been letting me stay at your house for months,' she argued when Remus told her he'd pay for his own room. 'For God's sake, don't worry about it…whoops!'

He had tripped up the stairs, and she grabbed his arm to steady him before he fell. They both laughed then shushed each other noisily as they walked down the hall, Ashlin squinting at the room keys.

'You want 5 or 6?' she asked, dangling them and he grabbed one.

'Don't care,' he mumbled, stopping outside 5. He peered down at his key which had a black 6 printed on it. 'This is yours.'

She checked her key as well then tried to get it in the lock, making several attempts before she managed to push it in and turn it. She was leaning heavily against the door and when it flew open, she stumbled inside. Remus wasn't quick enough to catch her and she hit the floor. Remus laughed and Ashlin giggled hysterically, rolling over onto her back.

'I think…that we are drunk,' she said sagely and he laughed harder.

'I think you are right,' he agreed, grabbing her hands and pulling her to her feet.

She shot up and fell against him. 'Careful,' he said, clutching her upper arms. 'You're going to break something.'

'Mmm,' she murmured then realised he was holding her flush against him, her hands flattened over the wall of his chest and, goodness, it felt a lot broader and firmer than she thought it would.

Remus also recognised how close they were as her palm rubbed over his nipple through his shirt, the nub hardening from the light friction. Their laughter faded as a frisson of electricity passed between them. It was just a moment then, almost as if they'd choreographed it, Ashlin stepped back as Remus dropped his hands.

'Well, night,' he said quickly, his brow creased in confusion as he backed towards his room.

'Night,' she echoed, grabbing the door knob and shutting the door firmly, the same thought running through both their minds.

'What the hell was that?'

**_Reviews make me smile :-) And as my easily bored kids are on school holidays right now -- I need to smile or I'll cry!_**


	22. Chapter 22

_Hiya! Cheers to all who reviewed last chapter - glad the lighter chapters are making you happy. :-)_

_SHAMELESS PLUG: I uploaded a new slash threesome fic called 'What Friends Are For' last night. If you haven't read it and you like slash (or you don't but you just want to make me smile), check it out and don't forget to review!_

* * *

_**When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.**_

_**Helen Keller**_

Chapter Twenty Two

Nothing was said the next day about the odd moment the night before and, as a few weeks passed, it was pushed to the back of their minds as an aberrance; a result of weeks of high emotion and far too much mead.

They spent their days cleaning and painting Ashlin's six bedroom house and were finally able to move the new furniture in, Remus recruiting Harry and his friend Ron to help. Harry had agreed after Remus pleaded, saying that Ashlin was someone Sirius had loved and that they owed it to him to try and get along. The two still hadn't talked the way they needed to but the outright hostility had eased after Ashlin's visit to Grimmauld Place, Harry having seen first hand how much his godfather's death had affected her.

Remus was unpacking boxes they'd retrieved from the King vault when he heard a familiar voice and looked up, surprised to see the Minister of Magic.

'Kingsley?' Remus said with a puzzled smile. 'Hi.'

'Hello, Remus,' the tall, dark man said, waving at Harry and Ron who were levitating a mattress upstairs to Ashlin's bedroom. 'The house looks great. You've made a lot of progress in just a couple of weeks.'

Remus' smile faltered. 'You've been here since we started tidying up?' he asked, surprised Ashlin hadn't mentioned it.

'I called around last week,' he confirmed, running his hand along the top of the new couch. 'I ran into Ashlin while she was ordering new furniture. We went for a drink and she brought me around here to have a look.'

Remus nodded and smiled weakly, the thought of Ashlin spending time with Kingsley bothering him more than it should.

'I've got to stop being so overprotective,' he thought to himself. 'She's going to move on and…date.'

He frowned as he turned away to shift the coffee table. She was devastated, heartbroken over Sirius' death just a couple of months ago. Was she really over it that easily? A little anger shot through him and he tried to push it away.

'It was just a drink,' he told himself. 'She's not marrying him.'

And he knew she still thought about Sirius…he'd caught her just a week ago sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at the ring his friend never had the chance to give her.

* * *

_'You alright?' he'd asked and she looked up, green eyes sad._

_'Yeah,' she had mumbled, snapping the box shut. 'I know I shouldn't keep dwelling on it…'_

_She shook her head, unable to explain that she felt like she was losing her connection to Sirius and was desperately trying to hang on, afraid of letting him go completely._

_Kingsley had asked her out to dinner when he'd come around to her place. She had put him off, citing her work on the house as the reason. Ashlin sighed. She wanted to try and get on with her life, but at the same time, she was reluctant to let Sirius go. He was her safety net._

_'I can't remember what it's like not to love him,' she thought. 'I don't think I want to find the space for anyone else.'_

_She hadn't told Remus about how she felt or about Kingsley's invitation - confused about what she wanted to do. Talking to the man who was rapidly becoming an integral part of her life would probably help - he always seemed to know how to make her feel better - but that would make the way she was feeling more real and, to be honest, dating wasn't something she felt comfortable discussing with Sirius' oldest friend._

* * *

'Hi, Kingsley,' Ashlin said now as she came down the stairs.

She glanced over at Remus, feeling inexplicably awkward that the two men were in the same room and hoped Kingsley wouldn't mention that he'd been here before today.

'I don't want him to think I was keeping things from him,' she thought then wondered why it was so important to her that Remus not get the wrong idea.

'It looks great,' Kingsley said with a smile and she returned it.

'Thanks,' she said, looking around. 'I've been working poor Remus like a dog but his reward will be finally getting his house back. I'm moving in tomorrow - provided the paint smell is gone.'

She smiled affectionately at the werewolf who gave her a quick smile in return then moved to the other side of the room to put her books on a book shelf.

'You should celebrate,' Kingsley said, moving closer to Ashlin. 'How about that meal you keep putting off? I'm determined to get you to a restaurant with me sometime.'

She was unable to help her eyes moving to Remus to see if he was listening. His back was to them but she could see from his stiffened shoulders that he had heard.

'Maybe not tonight,' she said softly. 'I'm tired and I've got a bit of stuff to shift tomorrow as well. Raincheck?'

'Another one?' he said but smiled. 'Sure but I will hold you to it. Now, I've got a little bit of free time - do you need a hand?'

* * *

He stayed for an hour, helping Remus put together Ashlin's new bed. They worked in near silence, getting the frame together quickly.

'Do you really think she's ready to date?' Remus asked out of the blue and Kingsley looked up from the slats, having wondered how long it would take the other man to make his thoughts known.

'I'm guessing not, since she keeps putting me off,' Kingsley replied, then straightened, seeing the tension on Remus' face. 'Are you concerned that I'm pushing her into moving on before she's ready or are you pissed off that I got in first?'

Remus' head snapped up and he glared furiously at the Minister. 'She was all but officially engaged to my best friend,' he hissed, eyes flaring with his temper. 'She is _my_ friend. I've seen her grieve. I've seen her as broken as a person can be. She isn't ready and I think you are being too aggressive.'

Kingsley looked at him calmly, dark brown eyes searching the werewolf's blue orbs. 'You didn't answer my question, Remus,' he said softly.

Remus opened his mouth but Ashlin walked in before he could respond. 'Brought you both a drink,' she said with a smile then sensed the tension in the room. 'Everything alright?'

Remus inhaled deeply through his nose and smiled at Ashlin, trying to push his anger and confusion aside.

'Fine,' he said lightly, taking the offered Butterbeer. 'This bed presented a bit of a challenge but we were up for it.'

She chuckled and offered Kingsley the second bottle. 'Thanks for your help, Minister,' she said cheekily and he smiled.

'No problem,' he said but refused the bottle. 'I'm going to go now, though. I've been trying to avoid the mountain of paperwork on my desk but I think I've put it off long enough. Walk me out, Ashlin?'

She nodded, glancing curiously at Remus, who did not say goodbye to the other man, nor did Kingsley offered a farewell.

'What's going on? Did you and Remus argue?' she asked as they reached the front door.

Kingsley smiled a tight looking smile. 'Remus is very protective of you,' he said then he frowned. 'Tell me the truth, Ashlin. Am I pushing you too hard? Are you not ready to date yet?'

She sighed and leant against the door frame. 'I don't know,' she answered. 'I feel like something's holding me back but…' She shook her head. 'I don't know what it is, Kingsley, but there's just something stopping me right now…I'm sorry.'

The man glanced back inside then said softly, 'If you have feelings for someone else, Ashlin, I would prefer you told me…'

Ashlin looked taken aback. 'Someone else?' she asked, surprised. 'Like who? Sirius? Kingsley, I'm always going to love him…'

'Not Sirius,' he said then jerked his head, indicating somewhere behind her and she turned to see Remus sitting on the stairs, drinking his Butterbeer and talking with Ron and Harry.

'Remus?' she questioned, turning back to Kingsley. 'You think I've got feelings for Remus?'

'I think he's got feelings for you,' he told her, his eyes searching hers. 'I'm not sure about you yet.'

He saw her frown then put his hand on her shoulder, leaning forward to kiss her on the cheek. 'When you work it all out, let me know,' he said softly.

He smiled down at her then called out a farewell to the others, including Remus this time. The werewolf smiled a goodbye and lifted his hand, trying to push aside his urge to smack the man in the same mouth that had just kissed Ashlin.

'I told him she's not ready then he goes and tries to snog her,' he thought irritably then forced a smile for Ashlin when she sat with the three men on the stairs, asking Ron about the joke shop he helped his brother run.

* * *

She didn't say anything to Remus about what Kingsley had said, dismissing his theory as a figment of the man's imagination. They all continued shifting furniture, finally finishing at dark when Harry and Ron said their goodbyes, refusing Ashlin's offer of dinner in favour of a meal with their girlfriends. They apparated away and she looked around as Remus threw himself down on the couch.

'It looks fantastic,' she murmured and Remus made a noise of agreement.

'The colours look great,' he said, admiring how light and airy the room looked now. 'You've done a wonderful job, Ash.' He yawned and Ashlin looked over at him.

'Why don't you go back to your house?' she said with a little laugh. 'You look exhausted. It's less than a week until the full moon and you must be starting to feel the effects. I shouldn't have let you do so much…you should be resting.'

'I'm fine,' he said, waving his hand dismissively as he sat up. 'Do you want me to go and get some takeaway and meet you at home?'

As he referred to his house as home, Kingsley's words came back to her and she frowned.

'Or not?' Remus said, seeing her face change.

'Kingsley told me you think it's too soon for me to date,' she said, eyes somewhere to the left of him.

It was his turn to frown. 'Do _you _think you're ready?' he asked and she looked over at him.

'I don't know,' she replied. 'But it's my decision to make, Remus. Not yours.'

His jaw clenched and he stood up. 'I know,' he told her, his face flushing. 'I'm sorry if I've interfered…'

'I just wish you'd spoken to me instead of Kingsley,' she said and he glared a little at her.

'You never mentioned you'd been for drinks with him,' he said a little accusingly and she cocked her head.

'I'd been looking at furniture all day and he saw me. I was buggered and I needed a drink and he came along with me,' she told him. 'It wasn't a date.'

'You don't have to explain yourself to me,' he said, his voice rising a little.

'I'm not,' she exclaimed, then realised she was. 'I…I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to admit that…I want to move on.'

He looked puzzled and she sighed, moving over to the couch and sitting down.

'I'm…scared,' she explained softly. 'I've never loved anyone except Sirius and…I feel like I'm losing him; like he's leaving my heart and…I'm kind of relieved because he's taking a lot of the pain with him but…I feel disloyal. Like it means I loved him less because I want to be happy again one day…'

Remus sat down as well. 'Ash, Sirius has been gone for nearly three years now,' he began gently. 'You may not have actively grieved for him all these years but in your own way, you'd already started to say goodbye. There's no appropriate time frame that has to pass before you can love someone again and Sirius certainly wouldn't want you to wear a widow's veil for him.'

He paused then asked, 'Do you think Kingsley could be someone you…could love?'

Ashlin looked at him then frowned and shook her head. 'No,' she whispered, tears forming in her eyes. 'No, I don't. He's a really nice man but… I've been leading him on, haven't I?'

'No,' he said quickly. 'No, Ash, he was pushing too hard, too early.'

'But I should have just said no,' she told him and he put an arm around her.

'Honey, he's a big boy. He'll understand,' he said softly. 'Don't worry about it.'

He saw a tear streak down her cheek. 'Ash, it's ok,' he murmured, brushing the tear away with his finger then impulsively kissed the damp cheek.

Heat flared between them and Remus felt his stomach do a quick flip flop before he pulled away hastily, unable to stop his tongue from slipping out to taste the salt of her tears on his lips. Ashlin, too, had felt the spark when his lips touched her cheek and stifled a little gasp when her body reacted to the man's touch in a way it hadn't for a very long time.

Remus cleared his throat then stood up. 'So, did you want that take away?' he asked casually, trying to hide his confusion once again. They'd spent so much time together. It was natural to have a connection. That's all this was.

'Um, I'll get it,' she said, standing up as well. 'I'll lock up here then grab some pizza or fish and chips. You go home and have a shower - your back's still bothering you, I can tell.'

He smiled ruefully. 'You're right,' he admitted, the tightening in his back having gotten more intense as the day wore on. 'You sure you don't mind locking up by yourself?'

She shook her head and he mumbled a good bye, leaving her to sink back down on the couch with a heavy sigh.

She wasn't sure what this thing was between her and Remus of late but as she recalled Kingsley's words again, she wondered if it was really Sirius that was stopping her from moving on, or if, perhaps, it was Remus.

**_Review...it's still school holidays and my daughter had 5 friends sleep over last night...make me smile!!_**


	23. Chapter 23

_Hiya everyone! Thanks to all those who reviewed last chapter. I swear this is the last chapter of sexual tension - they will consumate any second now. :-) _

_Sorry about the shortness of this chapter - didn't realise how much longer the other ones were until I saw it uploaded. _

* * *

_**I believe very strongly that when it comes to desire, when it comes to attraction, that things are never black and white, things are very much shades of grey. **_

_**Brian Molko**_

Chapter Twenty Three

'I've had an idea,' Ashlin said a week later as she prodded her unappetising food with her fork.

'Throw this out and get some takeaway?' Remus murmured, poking distastefully at the stew which he'd somehow managed to burn so badly on Ashlin's temperamental stove that it was inedible.

'What? No,' she said then smiled. 'Well, yes, actually. It's not your best effort…'

Remus snorted and grabbed both the bowls and Vanished the food. 'People in glass houses, Ash,' he teased. 'I remember your last attempt to cook required an extinguishing spell.'

She giggled and his chest squeezed tight. 'Yeah, well, I'm sure the stove was _completely_ at fault tonight,' she said, trying to put on a straight face.

Remus smiled but knew that his own preoccupation was to blame for the state of dinner. He'd been too busy trying not to watch Ashlin as she moved around the kitchen, trying not to breathe when she came close so he wouldn't smell that perfume that drove him distraction, to pay attention to what was happening on the stove.

'Grab your coat and I'll take you out,' he said, putting the bowls in the sink.

'No, I've got Muggle money,' she told him, digging in her handbag. 'I'll get a pizza delivered. You're still tired after the full moon; you need to rest.'

She quickly rang the local pizza place and placed an order, covering the phone for a few moments to argue with Remus about whether to get anchovies or not, Remus winning in the end.

'_No _anchovies,' she said into the phone, glaring a little at Remus who chuckled as he poured them both another glass of red wine.

She hung up and grabbed her glass before throwing herself down on the couch. 'One of the benefits of living in London instead of the middle of nowhere,' she said, referring to Remus' out of the way house. 'Takeaway at all hours and a Muggle phone - all of life's luxuries.'

He smiled and sat down next to her, putting his feet up on her coffee table. 'So what's this idea?' he asked, taking a sip of wine and for a moment, she looked puzzled.

'Idea?' she repeated then recalled what she'd been trying to tell him. 'Oh, yeah. I wanted to run this past you before I spoke to Kingsley.'

Remus frowned at the mention of the man and took a larger mouthful of his drink.

* * *

Things had been a little strained between he and Ashlin for a few days after their disagreement about Kingsley…oh, who was he kidding? It wasn't Kingsley that had made things uncomfortable; it was the kiss on the cheek that had made things weird between them but the space they had gotten when Ashlin moved out had eased the tension. They saw each other often - every day or so - making a point not to lose contact. Each missed the presence of the other but realised that it was what they both needed to keep their friendship … appropriate.

After an initial period of denial, he had, in the last couple of days, come to accept that he was attracted to Ashlin. Whether it was a real attraction or one that had come about through loneliness and proximity, he didn't know but he made sure he kept it to himself. The last thing Ashlin needed was to have to deal with her friend making sexual advances and he was sure that, now she was not so close, the physical craving he was experience would ease.

'Although,' he thought as he watched her curl up next to him, her toes brushing his outer thigh. 'It obviously isn't going to happen overnight.'

* * *

His body reacted to her nearness - heart speeding up, blood starting to rush just a little faster through his body (a little more than necessary headed in a southerly direction). His eyes were drawn to her mouth as she spoke, almost groaning when he saw her pink tongue slip out to draw in the wine from her lips. He tried to ignore his response to her and concentrate on what she was telling him.

'This place is so big,' she said, brushing her hair away from her face. 'I was wondering…' She bit her lip, trying to get her thoughts into some order. 'There were lots of people killed in the war. Lots of kids who were left with no parents, or families with no breadwinner.'

Remus nodded in agreement, interested now in where she was going with this. 'Any little kids that were orphaned will be placed in homes easier than the older ones…I want to open this place up for those older kids, the school aged ones, to spend holidays here. Like James did for Sirius when he couldn't stay at home. This could be a safe place for them to come during their break from school. I'll hire someone to…supervise them and make sure they get fed and looked after…'

Remus was just staring at her, a strange look on his face, but she continued anyway, figuring if he was going to shoot down the idea, he may as well hear the lot.

'I also thought…well, I've got a lot of money, more than I'll ever need, and I thought I might set up a trust fund or something. For school supplies and uniforms and things that kids might need - it would be to assist families who lost a parent or both parents in the war. Just to help them out… Is this a really bad idea?'

His expression was indecipherable and she was worried that it had been a terrible suggestion. 'Remus?'

'Ash…that's amazing,' he said softly, finally finding some words. 'That's a fantastic idea.'

She grinned broadly, relieved. 'Really? It's not hypocritical?' she asked and he shook his head quickly.

'No,' he insisted, shifting so he was facing her. 'Why would it?'

'Because…I might have contributed to the deaths of some of those people,' she said quietly.

He frowned. 'Is that why you want to hire someone to supervise instead of doing it yourself?'

Ashlin nodded. 'I don't think it'll be as well received if a former Death Eater is in charge of it,' she mumbled, looking down. She was absently scratching at her Dark Mark and Remus put down his drink, reaching over to stop her, holding her hand in his.

'Ash, you are doing a wonderful thing,' he told her. 'Your story has gotten out. People know what you did to help defeat Voldemort and they will respect the fact that you are trying to do something positive for those who've been left behind.'

He covered the Dark Mark with his other hand. 'Not everyone is going to judge you because of this. Stop letting Voldemort run your life and limit your choices, even in death. He's still winning, if you do.'

Ashlin stared at him for several seconds then smiled and squeezed his hand. 'I didn't think of it that way. You're right,' she said and he grinned.

'I usually am,' he shrugged in mock modesty then asked, 'Can I help? With setting it up? Not like there's much else for a werewolf to do these days and I'm sick of just moping around the house.'

'Well, even if no one else does, _I_ recognise your value, Mr Lupin, and won't hesitate to put you to work,' she teased.

He laughed and she excitedly reached over and hugged him. 'Thank you,' she whispered, very close to his ear, and Remus' control slipped a little as her voice made goose bumps break out all over his skin.

His arms slid around her waist and he turned his head a little so his face was pressed into her hair. He could feel the differences in her body now; she'd filled out beautifully - not as curvy as she used to be - but certainly more rounded and healthier than she was when she left Azkaban. She smelled a hell of a lot better too - a flowery scent filling his nostrils as he allowed himself to breath deep now, all too aware of every inch of her body that was pressed against his.

Ashlin felt his arms slide around her waist and her heart began to thump a little bit faster in her chest. She felt his warm breath tickling her neck as he turned his head towards her. Every cell in her body was acutely aware of his presence and suddenly, the perfectly innocent hug turned into something different - the air between them sizzling.

* * *

Ashlin pulled away and looked at him, biting her lip. 'Um,' she said softly but before she could say anything else the door bell rang. 'That'll be the pizza.' She jumped up, happy to be able to avoid, or at least put off, a discussion about what had just happened.

'What _did _just happen?' she wondered, paying the pizza guy. 'I'm sure it's not just me who feels this…'

Remus' face had been flushed when she pulled away and she'd seen the desire in his eyes, feeling a corresponding pull in herself.

'God, I don't need this,' she muttered, closing the front door. 'I _really _do not need this. He's my friend…this can't happen; this _won't _happen.'

She went back through to the living room and threw the pizza down on the coffee table, suddenly not all that hungry as she sank back down onto the couch.

'What?' Remus asked. 'Did they get it wrong?' He opened the lid and peered inside.

'No,' she said, leaning forward and taking a slice, figuring that maybe if she pretended nothing had happened, it would all just…go away. 'Just wishing I'd been allowed anchovies.'

* * *

Remus chuckled and took his own slice, somewhat disappointed that Ashlin had obviously decided the best way to deal with the tension between them was to ignore it.

'Maybe she's got the right idea,' he mused to himself. 'Just don't acknowledge it and it won't become an issue…and maybe keeping my hands off her would be a good idea as well.'

They talked more about Ashlin's idea, Remus offering to help her work out budgets and to talk to Kingsley if she thought it might be a bit awkward.

'No, he was really understanding,' she said about the man's reaction to her telling him she wasn't interested in dating him. 'It should be alright.'

Remus nodded, wondering if he wanted to save her from the awkwardness or whether he just didn't want to give Kingsley another chance to get close to Ashlin.

'God, this is ridiculous,' he told himself as he stood to tidy up. 'I _want _her to be happy...'

But was Kingsley right? Did he want her to be happy with him and him alone? Was this more than a physical attraction?

'Fuck, I haven't gone and fallen for her, have I?'

**_I solemnly swear that there is smut in the next chapter. I'm sure lots of reviews will help me to remember to post it..._**


	24. Chapter 24

_Ok. Here it is - the smut I've promised. I have never been so nervous about any other sex scene so please be gentle with me when you review (and I want reviews for this!!)_

_I am wondering if anyone is interested in me following the boarding house idea through. The way this has ended (in a couple of chapters) only just touches on it but it could easily be written as a sequel or continuance of this fic. You may be sick of Ash and Remus after this is over and think it's a dreadful idea but either way, I'd like your opinion. (Including those of you who are reading but not reviewing - this is YOUR time to shine!)_

_WARNING: SEX! Finally!_

* * *

**_You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. _**

**_Sam Keen_**

Chapter Twenty Four

**A week later**

'Less than six weeks?' Ashlin said, her voice a little panicked. 'We can't do this in that short a time, can we?'

'Of course we can,' Remus told her soothingly as he patted her hand. He saw her doubt and ran through the details of their plan to reassure her.

'Kingsley has said he'll help rush through the necessary paperwork, Harry is thrilled with the idea and has offered not only his assistance but to match your financial donations each year, Minerva McGonagall is gathering lists of families and children that require assistance…Ash, you've got the house, you've got the money and you've got heaps of people pulling for you. We can do this.'

The meeting with Kingsley had gone better than expected. He'd been thrilled with the idea of providing a boarding home for some of the older children who were now homeless or parentless because of the war. He'd immediately started owling people who he knew could help and they had all been very supportive, despite Ashlin's fears that the fact she and Remus were involved would hurt the project.

'People know what you both did for the Order, for Harry,' Kingsley said, smiling at them. 'There might be a little underlying prejudice, particularly towards you I'm afraid, Remus, but anyone who isn't comfortable with this arrangement can go to hell.'

Ashlin laughed at Kingsley's flippancy and Remus' stomach churned in anger and jealousy. He wanted to be the only one to make her laugh like that.

* * *

He was having trouble accepting that he had in fact fallen for his friend, denial running rampant as he tried to tell himself it was a physical attraction, that he did indeed care for her but definitely did not love her in the way that deep down he feared he did.

'Falling for Ashlin would be a disaster,' he kept telling himself. 'She's been damaged enough. She doesn't need to suffer further by getting involved with a dark creature; one who will only keep reminding her of the blackest times in her life.'

It seemed, though, that the more he told himself not to do it, the faster and harder he fell and despite his constant discouraging internal dialogue, _('She doesn't feel the same…she still loves Sirius…I'm too broken for her…not good enough'_) his heart still hoped.

He told himself to put some distance between them but found that he was unable to actually do it. Instead, he was moving in with her temporarily to try and help her get the boarding house up and running for the summer holidays which were just weeks away.

Ashlin, too, was having doubts over the wisdom of Remus staying in the house with her, but found that she was also looking forward to it. She missed not seeing him everyday, missed talking over breakfast - Remus, a morning person, teasing Ashlin, _not_ a morning person, out of her petulance, missed how easy it was to be with each other.

She'd realised what was happening and had developed a new mantra: _I will not fall for Remus. I will not fall for Remus._

But it didn't seem to be working.

'Damn it all, why did Kingsley have to be right?' she thought, catching herself watching Remus, the way he moved - it was elegant, each movement of his lithe body smooth - and she wondered whether he'd be as graceful in bed.

'Cut it out,' she ordered herself as her body temperature rose several degrees. 'He wouldn't want you. You're too damaged, you're imperfect. He deserves better.'

* * *

Trying to focus on the work wasn't too difficult - there was a lot more to do than either of them originally thought. They divided up the work: Remus meeting with Minerva McGonagall to sort out budgets for school supplies and talk to the children who were the most in need, while Ashlin and Harry finished off the renovations on the house and interviewed applicants for the cook and housekeeper positions.

The teenager had softened considerably after he and Ashlin had finally sat down and talked. Ashlin had told him all about her history with Sirius and her time with the Death Eaters, Harry listening quietly. He had been very withdrawn afterwards and when a concerned Remus went to check on him that night, he found the young man quite drunk.

'I was such an asshole to her, Remus,' he muttered as the werewolf tried to get him into bed to sleep it off. 'And she went through all that shit and she loved Sirius so much and now he's gone and they can't be together…'

'I know,' Remus said, taking the bottle of scotch he still clutched then turned off the lights, hating how much his chest ached when he was reminded of how much Ashlin had loved his friend.

'I don't think she'll ever love anyone that completely again,' he thought despairingly. 'She could never love me like that.'

* * *

With just two weeks to go until they collected their first boarders from the Hogwarts Express, it was Ashlin's birthday, Remus having wormed the date out of her when she took him out for his birthday a couple of months earlier. They were both tired after a day of converting what was the study into a room for the cook, and decided to stay in with some Chinese takeaway and a few of bottles of red wine.

The food disappeared fast as did two of the bottles, Remus leaving Ashlin opening a third to get the gift he'd bought for her. 'It's nothing big,' he warned, handing her the flat, rectangular present. 'It's just for fun…'

'Remus, shut up and give it to me,' she laughed, taking it off him then handing him a drink as he sat down on the couch.

She fell down heavily next to him, leaving her own drink on the coffee table as she tore the wrapping off. She stared at the plaque he'd given her and, for a moment, he'd wondered if he'd done the wrong thing.

'Ash?' he asked and she turned to him, smiling.

_'"Padfoot Place"?_' she said softly.

'It's just a bit of a joke,' he told her quickly. 'I don't know what you were planning on calling this place but I thought you might like to put it up somewhere.'

She was quiet, staring down at the brass, engraved sign. Eventually, she shook her head. 'I think that's the perfect name. It's fun but _he_ was fun and that's what I want for this place. For it to be safe and secure but fun as well. It seems pretty appropriate that it's named after Sirius. After all, for me, this all began with him...for him.'

She looked at Remus and grinned. 'He'd be laughing his ass off at the thought of this place being named after him, wouldn't he?'

Remus chuckled. 'Yeah, I think he would,' he agreed then he saw her smile fade a little. 'Are you ok? I didn't mean to upset you…'

'I'm not upset,' she said, sounding a little surprised. She frowned when she looked over at him.

'This is the first time it hasn't hurt,' she said softly. 'Thinking of him, remembering him. It doesn't hurt.' She bit her lip and looked worried and her voice shook a little when she whispered, 'I've lost him.'

'No,' he said gently, putting his arm around her and pulling her to his chest. 'You'll never lose him, Ash. He'll always be with you; he'll always be in your heart, but you had to let him go. You had to, honey, or you wouldn't have been able to get on with your life.'

Ashlin nodded slowly then sighed as she looked at the plaque again. 'It's perfect, Remus,' she said quietly. 'Thank you.'

* * *

One more bottle of wine later and they were both laughing hysterically as Remus recalled the first time Sirius changed Harry's nappy.

'Then he almost _threw_ Harry at me and ran for the toilet,' Remus said, chuckling at the memory. 'He didn't make it either. Lily's grandmother's rug was never the same.'

Ashlin giggled then threw down the last of her wine. ''Nother bottle,' she suggested but he shook his head.

'There's no more,' he told her, finishing the little bit that was left in his glass. 'We went through it all.'

'Shit, really?' she said, looking genuinely surprised. 'I don't feel that drunk.'

'Neither do I,' he said then tried to stand up, falling straight back down as his head spun. 'Whoa!'

Ashlin laughed at him as he landed on her then pushed him off her lap. She leaned over, scrabbling for her wand on the floor and nearly fell off the couch, catching herself in time. 'I think we might be a little more ratted than we thought,' she told him, hearing his murmur of agreement.

She flicked her wand and the couch grew, widening and lengthening until a couple of adults could comfortably lie down. She grabbed a cushion and yanked the blanket off Remus' lap.

'I'm not even going to try to get up,' she mumbled, crawling onto the newly expanded couch. She put a pillow under her head and spread the blanket over her. 'I'm going to sleep here.'

Remus frowned as he thought about whether he could get up the stairs to his room or not. 'I'd probably kill myself,' he thought then sighed, grabbing another cushion and laying down next to her. The voice inside his head that usually warned him when he was making a mistake was strangely silent and Remus wondered if it was drunk as well. He felt Ashlin wriggling then her jeans flew through the air, flashing in front of his face before they hit the ground. They were closely followed by her bra which she'd somehow managed to remove while keeping her shirt on.

'Jesus,' he muttered, then he felt the blanket being thrown over him.

'It'll do both of us,' she mumbled, sounding sleepy already. 'Night.'

He saw she was curled up facing away from him. He waited for a few minutes until he was sure she was asleep then his hands fell to his belt, trying not to wake her as he pulled his scratchy pants off, leaving him much more comfortable but feeling somewhat exposed in his t-shirt and boxers. Then he turned off the lantern with a flick of his wand and rolled as far as he could away from Ashlin, his exhaustion mercifully helping him fall asleep quickly.

* * *

Thunder woke him sometime later and his eyes opened, trying to adjust to the pitch black. He had moved, now on his back, and half asleep still, he turned his head to see if Ashlin was awake. There was another crash from the heavens and as a flash of lightening lit up the room, he saw her eyes open. She let out a little whimper of fright and he instinctively reached out for her. When his hand touched her shoulder, Ashlin rolled into his arms and he held her close to his chest.

'S'alright,' he mumbled a little croakily, lowering his head to hers and kissing her forehead, sleep still holding him. 'I got you.'

He heard her make a noise in her throat then sigh a little, her body relaxing again, almost melting into him as his arms tightened around her. The shirt she was wearing slipped up to bunch at her waist and his hand brushed over her hip, the lace of her underwear soft under his palm. Unconsciously, his fingers traced the edge of the elastic, following it around to her backside.

Ashlin turned her face into his neck, and her warm breath teased his sensitised skin, making his flesh prickle with awareness. Remus let his head fall against hers, cheeks touching, and the scent of her hair filled him up, warming him from the inside out. A soft moan escaped his lips when she pressed a quick kiss against his jaw and his hand moved slowly up her back. When he touched bare skin, Ashlin sighed, the breathy, contented sound making blood rush south to fill his already engorged member.

Drifting between wakefulness and slumber, Ashlin pressed herself closer, her leg sliding up over his and her hand brushing low over his covered stomach, the muscles tightening under her touch. Remus couldn't help himself - allowing his lips to brush over the long scar on her cheek as his eyes closed from a combination of sleepiness and need.

It was dark, the occasional flash of lightening the only illumination, and the only sounds they could hear was the sound of rain falling heavily on the roof and the other's uneven breathing. They could only touch, using fingertips to explore the textures of each other's skin as, half asleep with their inhibitions lowered, they let their hidden desires take them over.

Remus slid a hand slowly over the curve of her ass then let out a long breath when she pressed herself against his side in response. His hips raised a little, his body achingly aroused now, and he ran a hand over the leg that was flung across his, pulling it higher so it brushed his groin. He could feel the heat of her sex against his thigh, her dampened underwear evidence of her arousal, making his already stiff cock throb in anticipation.

Ashlin's breathing was irregular, and her hand slipped under his shirt, his skin heating up under her palm. She felt him pressing her leg to his erection, the hard flesh burning her even through the material of his boxers. His soft, needy moan reverberated against the side of her face and she shifted, her lips brushing over his stubbled jaw. Remus' heart picked up its already quickened pace as Ashlin's lips seared over his skin and he turned his head, unable, and unwilling, to stop this.

It felt fantastical: the combination of alcohol and lust taking away his ability to reason, to think and Ashlin, too was caught up in her own desire for the man that had helped bring her back to life. Deep down, they knew that what they were doing was probably all wrong, but when Remus' face turned and his lips brushed over hers, Ashlin didn't even hesitate. Catching his lips with hers, she kissed him.

* * *

It was her first kiss in over a decade and a half, and it felt good; it felt right. She softly brushed her mouth over his, getting lost in the sensation of his warm lips on hers, until Remus lifted his hand, sliding it into her hair before he kissed her in the way that she'd been craving for so long. Overwhelmed, Ashlin let him explore until he nipped at her bottom lip in a silent demand for her active participation. She moaned, then grasped his face and responded with a passion she didn't know she was still capable of. Her fierce need sparked his own loss of control, and he plundered her mouth, letting his tongue taste her thoroughly, groaning when she did the same. The kiss deepened as their bodies pressed together, both of them needing to be closer to the other.

Restraint now completely gone, Remus moved swiftly over her, pinning her down as their lip lock becoming frantic. Tearing his mouth from hers for a moment that felt like hours, he yanked his shirt over his head, quickly falling back onto her to resume their desperate kiss. Ashlin's hands splayed across his back, fingers lightly tracing the raised lines of his scars before they rose to thread into his hair. Her teeth grazed his lip, and with a noise that sounded very much like a growl, he rolled them so Ashlin was suddenly astride him.

He grasped the hem of the shirt she wore, pulling it up over her head as Ashlin pressed herself down onto him, feeling the heat of his erection through his boxers and her thin panties. His cock nudged her clit and a jolt of electricity shot through them. She did it again and Remus' hands shifted to clutch her ass, arching up as she drove the both of them towards the precipice. His breathing was coming in pants now, and he slid his hands up over her curves of her body to cup her breasts, both of them groaning as his thumbs ran over her nipples, tightening the already hard buds.

Falling back onto his chest, Ashlin kissed him urgently, their hands moving in tandem to tug off their remaining clothing. Remus rolled them back over and settled between her legs as they came up to wrap around his hips. His mouth moved to her neck, kissing the hot skin there as he flexed his hips and entered her body - moaning into her skin as he marvelled at how tight she was around his hot, hard cock.

Her hips raised to meet him, and with the next thrust he was buried deep within her. Her body embraced every inch of him and he held himself still as the urge to just give into his need flowed over him. She was tight and hot, and it took everything he had to stop himself from surrendering to that velvet softness. He lowered his head to her shoulder and pressed his mouth to her sweet smelling flesh as he began to move.

* * *

Ashlin groaned, pressing herself against him as he began to move inside her. She could feel him in every part of her, in every muscle and organ and cell, and she had never felt so alive before. She moved with him as he plunged into her depths over and over, ravaging her neck with open mouth kisses. The tension in her body was growing and she felt as though she was about to shatter into a million pieces. Remus sensed she was close, and his tempo increased as he rushed towards his own climax. He returned his mouth to hers, kissing her deeply, tongues tangling as pleasure took their breath away.

'Ashlin,' he whispered hoarsely, tearing his lips away from hers as he uttered the only word that had been spoken since they awoke.

He balanced on the edge of release, waiting for her to fall first, and hearing him ground out her name quickly sent Ashlin tumbling over the peak. A long, loud moan escaped as her body throbbed, her back arching off the couch with the force of her powerful orgasm. She couldn't breath, couldn't make a sound; she just mouthed his name repeatedly, silently.

Remus felt her body tense around him and he thrust deeply inside her one more time before he groaned into her neck as his release hit, pure pleasure pumping through his body with each beat of his thumping heart. He'd never felt so complete before, so whole, and he couldn't deny it any longer…he was in love with her.

* * *

Their rapid breathing was the only sound in the room now, the rain having eased. Remus rolled them over onto their sides, his body sliding out of hers as he pulled her to his chest. He buried his face in her hair and felt her press a kiss to the hollow of his throat as she curved her arm over him. Limbs tangled, their breathing slowed and gradually, sleep claimed them once again.

**_I must thank my hubby for 'reviewing' this chapter for me. His input was very valuable ;-)_**

**_Reviews? Please? I'll give you more sex..._**


	25. Chapter 25

_Thanks to all who have reviewed this story. It's nearly over now but there will probably be a sequel kind of thing about the boarding house - if I'm not too lazy to write it. Thanks to everyone that has given this idea support. I love the quote on this chapter. Enjoy._

_WARNING: Sex again. That should tell you how the morning after goes :-)_

_Thanks to Vanse for your review. Sorry I couldn't get back to you personally!_

* * *

**_Love is everything it's cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more. _**

**_Lido Anthony "Lee" Iacocca_**

Chapter Twenty Five

'Fuck.'

The muttered curse slipped from his lips as the sun pierced his cornea like a razor, sending slicing pain through his head.

'I will never drink again,' he swore, sitting up and putting his spinning head in his hands before the events of the night before came back to him. The pain in his head forgotten, he twisted around and saw that Ashlin was gone. He hastily slid off the Transfigured couch, trying to find his underwear in the tangled blanket.

'Ashlin?' he called, tugging the boxers on. 'Ash?'

He walked through to the kitchen and found a note on the counter, telling him she'd be gone for the day. That was it. No destination, no time of return, no thanks for the incredible sex... Nothing.

He cursed again, crushing the parchment into a ball, then went to the bathroom, finding a pain potion and noticing, after he drank it, there was another vial missing.

'God,' he thought suddenly. 'She'd had a lot to drink last night. Maybe I took advantage…'

But he couldn't make himself feel sorry or guilty. Despite his own inebriation, he remembered single every detail of what he and Ashlin had done together and knew that she had been a willing, participating partner.

What had happened last night…it had been perfect. Passionate and fiery and so very right. His eyes closed for a moment as he recalled the taste of her lips, the scent of her hair, the sensation of his body sliding into hers, joining them, and her moan as she tightened around him.

'Jesus,' he whispered, his body hardening. He had wanted that badly. Wanted it for longer than he'd realised until right now. And he wanted her…all of her.

'But what does Ashlin want?' he wondered, frowning down at the balled up parchment in his hand.

* * *

Ashlin didn't know what she wanted. She was hiding right out in the open at Diagon Alley, trying to tell herself she needed supplies; that she hadn't really just run away like the worst kind of coward.

'How the hell did I let this happen?'

When she woke up this morning, pain in her head, naked as the day she was born, with Remus' arm over her and the dried evidence of their indiscretion on her thigh, she'd panicked. No, actually, if she was being honest, the first thing she'd felt was a deep contentment that she could vaguely recall feeling a long time ago.

_Then_ the panic had hit.

She had just had sex with Remus. Her friend, Remus. Her rock, Remus. Her dead lover's best friend, Remus.

And worse than that, she'd kissed him. Not a peck or a brush of her lips over his, but she'd kissed him with abandon and passion and a heat that she never dreamed she was still capable of; she'd kissed him in a way that one kissed a lover, a partner and, even with all the wine in her system, she had been completely aware of what she was doing when she did it.

'Shit!'

She'd extricated herself from Remus' loose embrace, praying to anyone who'd listen that he didn't wake up as she dressed and scribbled a quick note to him before apparating away. Needing space, she had no idea where she was going and ended up here, in Diagon Alley, where she was now drowning her sorrows with the biggest ice cream sundae she'd ever seen. She poked at it with the spoon then sucked the chocolate fudge sauce off the utensil.

It would be different if she had an ounce of regret about what had happened. Then she could just tell Remus it was a drunken mistake and that she never wanted to happen again.

'Problem is that I _do_ want it to happen again,' she thought irritably, stabbing at the sundae viciously. 'And again and again…'

It had been many years since sex had involved any kind of emotion for her. But last night, there had been hunger and passion as well as a gentleness, a tenderness to every touch. She'd been stripped bare in front of him and her feelings had been right there for all to see. This was the stupidest thing she could have done. She'd fallen in love with her best friend and the worst of it was that it didn't feel at all wrong.

And _that_ was what scared her to death.

* * *

It was close to dark when she finally found the courage to go back to her house, half hoping Remus had decided she wasn't worth the trouble and left. So such luck - the man quietly appearing in the kitchen doorway just a minute after she arrived home.

'Wow, you think you got everything?' he asked, seeing all the bags she was unshrinking.

She jumped a little then turned towards him, unable to look at his face. 'Yeah, I thought I'd stock up,' she said, feeling herself flush when he came up beside her. 'I'm not sure how often I'll be able to get to the shops once the kids arrive.'

'Mmm,' he agreed, pulling some canned food from the bags and putting it away in the cupboard.

She grabbed the bags of toiletries and backed away. 'I'll take these upstairs,' she muttered, beating a hasty retreat, hating herself for her cowardice.

* * *

Remus watched her go and sighed, quickly stowing the rest of the kitchen goods away. When he'd finished, he put both hands on the counter in front of him and leaned over, resting his head on the over head cupboard. He didn't think this was going to be easy, but he had hoped it wouldn't be this awkward. Ashlin couldn't even look at him, like she was ashamed of what had happened between them.

'God if she tells me it was all a mistake, I think I might just completely embarrass myself and cry,' he thought, understanding now how his wife had felt and feeling as guilty as hell for what he'd put her through. Now he knew exactly what it was like to love someone who may not be able to love him back….and it hurt. Badly.

He felt her rather than saw her, the burn of those green eyes on him for several moments before she turned to leave the room.

'I just need to know if it was a mistake for you,' he said in a low voice before she could disappear. He was still in the same position - he didn't want to see her face. 'Because it meant something to me; it meant a lot to me, but if it was just sex, just a drunken mistake, I'd rather you told me now before I read too much into it.'

Ashlin frowned. She could hear the hurt in his quiet voice and it cut deep into her soul. She walked across the room to stand next to him, touching his hand lightly.

'I never wanted…I didn't want you to think it didn't mean anything to me,' she said softly. 'I…I haven't kissed anyone like that in a very long time. It wasn't the wine…I wanted to kiss you. It meant a lot to me too, Remus.' He turned his head to look at her, seeing the truth in her eyes. 'I just needed some time to absorb it,' she continued. 'But I don't regret it.'

His hand moved and he closed his fingers around hers as he turned to face her. 'So, what do we do now?' he asked and she bit her lip.

'I don't know,' she whispered, distracted by his thumb gently moving back and forth over the top of her hand. His touch was making heat swirl inside her again; she was drowning in his eyes and suddenly what she wanted to do now was very clear.

'Would you…?'

She stopped, unable to ask him to come to her bed, to make her feel like he'd made her feel last night. Instead, she shifted closer and hesitantly, leaned in to brush her lips over his.

* * *

Remus' heart sped up and he forgot to breathe as he let her lead, let her set the pace.

Ashlin wondered if she should stop when he didn't immediately respond, but when she felt his lips tremble and his hand tightened around hers, she took that as permission to keep going. She took her time, exploring and tasting the firm but supple lips and revelling in the intimate touch she'd denied herself for so long. Her teeth scraped lightly over his bottom lip before she took the flesh into her mouth, sucking gently and drawing a strangled sounding moan from him. His restraint was fraying rapidly and, when the tip of her tongue traced his upper lip, the teasing, tickling touch became too much.

He caught her lips firmly with his, taking back control, and as their arms moved around each other, they kissed as though they'd been parted for years - deeply, passionately and with an intensity that made both of them tremble. Not breaking their lip lock, Remus lifted her against him, helping her lock her legs around him before making his way back to what was going to be the cook's bedroom, Ashlin melting into him as he lowered her to the bed.

'I'm all sweaty from shifting the furniture upstairs today,' he whispered, self conscious now as the fresh, clean scent that clung to every inch of her skin filled his nostrils.

'Are you?' she murmured, distracted by her quest to remove his shirt as quickly as possible.

'Mmm,' he said, nuzzling his nose in her blonde hair. 'I should shower…'

'Remus, if you do this properly, you'll be sweaty again very soon,' she interrupted, tugging his shirt out of his pants and fumbling with the buttons. 'Both of us will be.'

He smiled and kissed her fast, sliding his lips over to her jaw. 'I want to make you sweaty,' he murmured, kissing under her chin.

His mouth moved down her throat, sliding his shirt off as she got the last button undone. 'I want to make you as hot as you make me,' he continued, tongue licking the hollow of her throat and hearing her moan.

He tugged her shirt aside and his tongue traced her collar bone, his actions and words arousing her so completely she could barely move, lying limp under his hands and mouth. Remus grasped the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head in one quick motion, a smile playing on his lips when he saw she wore no bra.

'I want to make you scream my name,' he whispered, kissing her mouth again then quickly moving it to her breast, tracing the underside with his tongue.

Ashlin had a moment of panic as she recalled another man saying those words with a far more menacing intent but it passed quickly as Remus ran a gentle hand up her arm.

'I want to make you come for me again and again.' He licked her nipple then sucked it deep into his mouth, making her cry out and arch up.

'Remus,' she moaned, knowing how close she was to giving him what he wanted. His voice aroused her beyond reason and his touch was making her slowly lose her mind.

When he moved his mouth to her other nipple, giving it the same treatment as the first, she pushed her hips up to him desperately, pleading with him. Realising how near she was to climax nearly drove Remus to the end of his tolerance and he closed his eyes, trying to remember how much he wanted to know every inch of her to stop himself from slamming into her now. Instead, he slid a hand up her skirt and into her knickers; Ashlin crying out when his long fingers entered her. He pumped them almost lazily then, when he circled her clit firmly with his thumb, she shattered instantly, Remus watching her intently, his blue eyes dark with desire.

* * *

Once the tremors eased, she took a shaky breath and looked at him, letting out a little laugh when she saw his grin.

'Do you have any idea how gorgeous you are when you come?' he said softly, kissing her gently as he pulled off her skirt and knickers.

'I want to see what you look like now,' she mumbled and he smiled against her lips.

'All in good time, Ash,' he whispered. 'I'm nowhere near finished with you yet.'

His words made her quiver in anticipation and he chuckled. Hands ran up her thighs and over her stomach, his mouth and fingers moving lightly over her ribs, tracing each one and smiling when he made her giggle with the tickling touch.

'Third rib is ticklish,' he murmured, kissing her stomach. 'I'll remember that.'

She smiled and let out a breath of laughter then made a small, surprised noise when his mouth shifted to her leg. He followed a long scar up her leg then moved his lips to her inner thigh, biting it gently. She moaned loudly, then louder again as she felt the warmth of his breath against the entrance to her body. His tongue stroked, tasting her then he circled her clit lightly. When it slid inside her, Remus groaned along with Ashlin as he felt the warm, wet tunnel clamping down. Ashlin grasped his hair as the thick, soft muscle drove her higher, raising her hips frantically and saying his name over and over, begging him to give her the release she needed. Remus lifted her legs over his shoulders and they locked around him. He moaned then sucked her clit into his mouth hard.

She screamed for him, screamed his name, Remus watching her face again as she writhed under his mouth.

When the spasms eased, his hand fell to his pants, tearing the fly open. He didn't bother to pull them all the way off, just pushing them down enough to release his throbbing cock. He couldn't wait any longer to feel her around him but Ashlin stopped him.

'No,' she said, sitting up. 'Get up here.'

He grinned and did as she demanded, falling down next to her and pulling her on top of him. He grasped her leg, trying to pull her over him so he could bury himself inside that soft body but she smacked his fingers away, shifting off him.

'There's no hurry,' she admonished him, kissing him hard. 'Lay back and relax while I look after you.'

His smile widened then he bit his lip as her mouth took a similar path to the one his just did, moving nowhere near as fast as he wanted her to and driving him insane with need and anticipation. Her lips and tongue tasted every part of him, finding every sensitive spot. Her fingers gloried in exploring his skin and tracing each scar, each muscle, loving how they tensed under her touch. By the time she pulled his pants completely off and kissed up his legs, Remus was shaking uncontrollably.

He felt her breath hot on his weeping cock then her mouth closed around him, sending his hips arching up off the bed. It was his turn to bury his hands in her hair, to whisper her name and plead with her to end this unbearable tension. And she did, scraping her teeth lightly over him then sucking hard. Coloured bursts of fireworks flashed behind his eyelids as he exploded, calling her name to the heavens.

* * *

For a long time, he lay still, vaguely aware of Ashlin shifting to lie down next to him, stroking his hair until he turned his head to look at her, unable to even try to hide how he felt.

'Come here,' he whispered hoarsely, pulling her into his arms. 'Kiss me, Ash.'

Her mouth curved into a smile and she did as he asked, kissing him softly and letting it grow as their bodies turned to each other, fully embracing each other. Their mouths were gentle, moving slowly, teasing and tasting each other thoroughly. Hands traced over faces and necks, learning every subtle nuance of each other's skin, memorising it.

When their heads swam and they had to draw breath, they parted, mouths now following the same path their fingers had taken and Remus' hands moved into her hair, letting the soft strands fall through his fingers like rain. It felt like hours that they were content to just touch, to explore before Remus moved over her, lips finding each other again as he entered her slowly, pausing once they were joined, savouring the sensation of being together, of finally feeling whole.

He began to rock against her slowly, languid movements soon bringing them to a peak then they whispered each other's names as a overpowering release shook them, leaving them spent.

* * *

Lips brushed over sweat slicked skin, hands stroking, as they came down from the peaks from which they'd driven each other. When he could no longer hold himself up on his shaking arms, Remus rolled them over onto their sides and pulled the brand new sheets up around them.

'You kissed me,' he murmured, mouth against her temple and she chuckled.

'Took you a while to pick up on that,' she teased and he shifted, smiling at her as he stroked a finger down her face, over the long scar that she hated but that he believed made her more beautiful than she'd ever been without it.

'You told me a long time ago that you weren't kissed anymore. That you were…fucked.'

She nodded slowly, recalling the conversation held long ago.

He paused then his eyes held hers as he said, 'I'm completely and utterly in love with you, Ash. I don't want to be a fuck. I want to be the man that kisses you. I want to be the man you want to kiss.'

Ashlin stared at him, unable to make a single noise let alone put together a coherent sentence as three words whirled around and around inside her head, making her dizzy, making her heart race.

'_He loves me_.'

'I don't expect you to profess your undying love for me right now,' he continued softly. 'I know you're going to need some time to deal with this and work out how you feel. But I want all of you, honey. I want everything.'

She was quiet for a long moment. Was she ready to give herself entirely to another man? Could she give herself so completely ever again; risk getting her heart irreparably smashed this time?

'I don't know if I am ever going to be able to give you that,' she whispered and he nodded.

'I know. I know that, if your choices had been different, we wouldn't be here. If it hadn't been for some twists of fate, it would be Sirius here with you right now instead of me.'

Ashlin opened her mouth but Remus put his fingers over her lips. 'I accept that, Ash. I know that Sirius is always going to hold a piece of your heart…But I'm prepared to share with him as long as you can give me the rest. I want your heart, Ash. Are you willing to give it to me?'

**_Yes, alright, I'm a bitch...Review to tell me just how much of a bitch :-)_**


	26. Chapter 26

_Final Chapter. SOB!_

_Thank you to all who have read and reviewed this fic. Some of you know how nervous I was about this story as it was very different to what I usually write and I moaned to many of you as I wrote it about how much trouble I was having with writer's block. Your supportive reviews are the reason this even got finished, guys, so thanks._

_Thanks to those who've been reading but not reviewing (and there has been a steady number so I know you've been following it), I'd love to hear your thoughts now it's over and your views on a continuation._

* * *

**_The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return. _**

**_From "Unforgettable with Love" by Natalie Cole _**

Chapter Twenty Six

Remus went back to his house that night for the first time in weeks.

'You need some space to work out where you stand, Ash,' he said gently when she asked him to stay. 'And I need some space until you work it out because I can't let myself get used to this; to being with you like this, sleeping with you, making love with you. I can't allow myself to start to believe you could be mine.'

He saw the pain in her face and smiled at her, cupping her face. 'Honey, it's alright. If you decide you can't give all of yourself to me, I'm not going to run away. I'm not going to desert you. Don't make a choice based on fear of losing our friendship or not wanting to hurt me. Because I'll know. And knowing you've settled or that you're with me out of pity - that would hurt more than flat out rejection ever could.'

He kissed her, unable to help letting it linger as he stroked his thumb along her jaw, before he apparated back to his house.

* * *

Once he'd gone, Ashlin took a bottle of mead and sat on her bed thinking. She was certain that she loved Remus - confusion over her feelings for him wasn't what was holding her back. She sighed, putting the mead on her bedside table having only had a few sips. She walked over to her cupboard and pulled out a small box in which she'd put the things from her past that she just couldn't part with. Taking out the now crinkled photograph of two young lovers, she smiled.

It didn't hurt to look at it now. She didn't mourn and cry for lost love and opportunities. Now, she smiled as she remembered Sirius and the time they had together and she knew that her feelings for Remus were a big part of the reason for that. So why was she still reluctant to give him the heart that used to belong to his friend?

It was early in the morning that she gave in to temptation and sought out the emergency box of cigarettes she kept hidden in her bottom drawer. She didn't smoke them, just enjoyed the smell in times of emotional turmoil.

'And I think this qualifies,' she muttered to herself as she pulled the dog eared packet out from the tangle of clothes.

She went to open them then let out a breath of laughter. Remus had obviously found them and had written a note on the top reminding her, '_No inhaling, Ash_.'

She smiled. Typical of Remus to find a way to remind her not to give in to her desire to take 'just one little puff' even when he wasn't around. The man had unobtrusively wormed his way into every single aspect of her new life, and she hadn't once tried to imagine what it would be like without him in it - it had never occurred to her that there would be a time he wouldn't be there.

She lit up a cigarette, opening her window and hanging her hand out so the smoke drifted off into the night. The scent of tobacco hit her nostrils and she breathed through her nose.

'Filthy habit, Ashlin,' she heard Severus saying in her head.

The corner of her mouth turned up then she suddenly stubbed out the cigarette, going back to the box of keepsakes and finding the letter Severus had written her before his death. Opening it, she re-read the part that had come to her as she remembered him.

_"You once told me I deserved to be loved; that you hoped that, when it was all over, I would allow someone to do so. I wish the same for you, Ashlin. Do not close your heart as I did. It is a lonely and worthless existence."_

'I want to,' she mumbled, eyes unfocused as she stared at the paper. 'I want to love him; I want him to love me. Why am I holding back?'

Her eyes fell on the photo and it hit her. She needed Sirius to approve. She needed to know that he would be happy about her moving on with his best friend.

'I need to tell him,' she thought. 'I need him to know and to give us his blessing.'

She didn't know why it was so important to her but she knew that, until she felt that Sirius would be pleased for them, she couldn't give herself to Remus in the way he wanted.

* * *

Remus woke early after a restless night and sat on his porch with a coffee as he watched the sun come up. Despite what he'd said last night, he had hoped Ashlin would tell him she loved him too. He was almost positive she did - you couldn't make love with someone the way they had and not care deeply for them.

'She kissed me,' he told himself. 'The first person she's kissed since Sirius. That's got to mean something.'

And Ashlin knew about his past - she'd never lead him on the way he led Tonks on. Unlike him, she was strong enough to refuse him if she couldn't love him back.

'It'd serve me right if she didn't love me,' he thought miserably. 'Maybe this is karma. Maybe it's life paying me back for getting involved with someone I didn't love. Now it's my turn to feel what it's like to love without knowing if I'm loved in return.'

He couldn't imagine now what his life would be like without Ashlin; didn't want to try to imagine it - it hurt too badly. But as much as he loved her, he couldn't live a life with her knowing she didn't love him as completely as she could.

He just couldn't.

* * *

Sunrise found Ashlin outside the cemetery that Sirius would have buried in had there been a body to entomb. Instead, there was a brass plaque marking an empty grave, Harry deciding once the battle was over that he needed to do something to get his own closure. She made her way through the head stones, trying to find the marker Harry had told her about. Finally, as the suns rays were growing in intensity, she found it.

_Sirius Black  
__1960 - 1996  
__Dearly Loved.  
__Finally Free._

Ashlin laid the flowers she'd bought down next to the plaque. 'Hey, babe,' she murmured, using the endearment that she so loved hearing from his lips. 'Sorry it's taken me so long to come.'

She sat down and laid her hand on the surprisingly warm plaque. Her finger traced the raised letters of his name.

'I owe you an explanation,' she murmured, then she started to talk, telling him everything from the night he'd left her until last night and Remus' declaration.

'He said he loves me, Siri,' she said softly. 'And I love him. But…I need you to give me your blessing before I can commit to him. I need to know that it's ok with you that I love your best friend.'

There was silence and she sighed. 'I don't know what I expected - some sort of sign or something, I suppose. I just needed you to know and I want you to approve. This isn't weird, is it? That I've fallen for Remus? You always told me how great you thought he was, how much you loved him and wished he could be as happy as we were… He's been so good to me, babe. He's wonderful - kind, sweet, so gentle and understanding and I know that he loves me…and I really do love him very much...'

A strong wind suddenly came out out of nowhere, sending her hair flying into her face. Ashlin brushed it away then, as quickly as it had come up, the gust was gone and all was still again. Ashlin smiled. 'I think I got that sign I wanted. You never were subtle, Siri.'

Just talking it out with him, even though the conversation had been one sided, had helped her see more clearly exactly what she wanted and, even without the dubious sign, she'd made a decision.

'I know you'd approve,' she whispered then took a small box from her pocket. 'I know that you'd be happy that it's Remus I want to spend my life with and that we have your blessing.'

She opened the box and took out the engagement ring he'd bought for her as well as the small piece of paper with his handwritten note, '_I'll miss you. I love you.'_ She'd crossed out the 'S' and replacing it with an 'A'.

'I loved you with all my heart, Sirius, and I want to love Remus the same way. He deserves that.'

She closed her fist around the scrap of parchment and the diamond and gold ring for a moment, shutting her eyes tight.

'So, I'm letting you go.'

Using her finger, she dug a small hole in the dirt just under the plaque then buried the ring and paper. She smiled again as she covered the offering, feeling as though a weight had been lifted off her.

'Thanks, babe,' she said, kissing her fingers and touching them to the plaque again before standing up and apparating away.

* * *

Ashlin let herself into Remus' house, calling out to him as she did. There was no answer and she checked his bedroom before hearing the shower running. Hesitating just a moment, she opened the door and was immediately enveloped in a cloud of steam. She could hear him humming to himself and grinned as she stripped her clothes off.

'Hi,' she said softly as she opened the shower curtain.

Remus jumped, then let out a laugh. 'Never predictable, Ash,' he said with a wide smile, his eyes quickly running over her scarred body before meeting her gaze, a little darker than they had been a moment earlier.

Ashlin giggled then ran her hands up his chest, lingering a little over a long scar before linking her arms around his neck. 'You're happy to see me,' she noticed and he chuckled.

'My joy _is_ pretty obvious,' he murmured, his hands running over her hips, the curve of her ass, pressing her against his rapidly hardening cock. 'I didn't expect to see you so soon though. Or quite so…naked.'

She laughed but saw his face lose all signs of amusement as he asked hesitantly, 'Does this mean you've made a decision?'

Nodding, she rose on her toes a little and kissed him gently. 'I love you,' she said against his lips. 'I love you with all my heart.'

Remus smiled then tried to force it down. 'You…you've resolved any…issues you had?'

'Sirius and I had a long talk this morning,' she told him, seeing his puzzled expression. 'I said goodbye. For good. My heart is yours, Remus…if you still want it.'

'Oh, I want it, honey,' he whispered, a joyful smile spreading across his face. 'I want it.' His words were muffled as he pressed his lips to hers, deepening the kiss quickly as he held tight to her.

For the longest time, they stood there, water cascading over their naked bodies as they just kissed, taking so much pleasure in the simplicity of the moment. There was nothing between them anymore, physically or emotionally. For the first time, they were completely exposed to each other - in every sense.

But, after a time, their bodies craved more intimacy than that their lips could provide and Remus pressed Ashlin against the tiled wall as their hands roamed. Remus finally moved his lips off hers to taste her throat, the sweet skin heating up beautifully under his tongue. Ashlin moaned, her knees shaking with desire. 'Remus,' she breathed, not sure she could stand any more sensation without shattering into little pieces. The man seemed to understand exactly what she needed with that one whispered word and slid his hands over her hips and down to lift her off her feet, pressing her hard against the wall as his body slid home.

Ashlin sighed, hearing Remus' groan as she throbbed around him. Her legs wrapped around his hips and, as he began to move, they resumed their kiss. Tongues mimicked the motion of their bodies, thrusting and tangling, hotter and harder, until they were crying out their releases into each others mouths.

* * *

Later that night, they made some decisions. 'You want me to move in?' Remus asked, lips brushing her bare shoulder blade before he raised his head and looked down at her. 'Are you sure?'

Ashlin nodded, rolling over to face him. They'd gone back to her house, thinking they'd finish up their preparations for the soon-to-be-arriving children, but they had ended up in bed again.

'Only if you want to,' she said, thinking she was moving too fast for him. 'I know it's soon but you spend most of your time here and…'

She bit her lip then said, 'We've spent enough of our lives alone. I for one don't want to let any more opportunities to be happy pass me by.'

Remus raised a hand, tracing the scar on her face then leaning over to kiss along the raised skin. 'While I agree wholeheartedly, I don't know if I feel comfortable moving in with you with all those children here,' he murmured, his mouth travelling over her cheek and along her jaw until they were brushing over her lips. 'I think that if we live together, we should be married.'

Ashlin was surprised he was so traditional. 'Oh,' she said, disappointed. 'Ok, then. It was just an idea…'

'Ash, read between the lines, honey,' he said, lifting his head a little to look into her eyes. She frowned and he chuckled.

'You're going to make me, with my bad back, get down on one knee and ask properly, aren't you?'

Ashlin finally understood and her green eyes widened. 'Oh!' she breathed and he grinned.

'There you go,' he teased then took a deep breath. 'So, what do you think? Want to marry me?'

A smile spread slowly across her face, giving her a serenity that he'd never seen in her before and she nodded. His grin broadened and he kissed her hard, rolling them so he was holding himself over her.

'Tomorrow,' he murmured, kissing down her throat, between her breasts and over her ribs. 'I want to marry you tomorrow.'

His lips were moving over her stomach, pausing to allow his tongue to dip inside her navel. 'O…ok,' she agreed shakily, not fully aware of what she was agreeing to but sure she didn't care.

'But I think we should get a jump start on the honeymoon tonight,' he mumbled, pushing her legs apart and trailing burning hot kisses up her thigh.

'Uhngh,' she grunted, eyes rolling back in her head as his mouth pressed against the entrance of her body.

He chuckled at her response, then threw her legs over his shoulders before focusing all his attention and talents to making her scream his name.

* * *

**Two weeks later**

'God, I feel sick,' she mumbled, gripping Remus' hand tight.

'So do I actually,' he replied, then winced, trying to loosen her iron like grasp on his fingers. 'Jeez, Ash, remind me never to get into bed with you while you're this nervous. You'll incapacitate me.'

She smiled distractedly, eyes darting around the train station. 'They're all staring at us,' she whispered and he smiled.

'They're all jealous,' he murmured, raising her hand and kissing it. 'They can't imagine why a gorgeous blonde would be holding hands with a ragged old werewolf.'

His teasing drew a genuine smile. 'They haven't been in bed with you obviously,' she retorted with a cheeky grin. 'If they had, they wouldn't be wondering what I see in you.'

Remus laughed, pulling her closer and kissing her on the lips. 'You know, I've always had this fantasy about a hot blonde and sex in a public place…'

'Shit, don't do that to me here,' she whispered, her hand fisting in his shirt as she felt heat swirl inside her. 'You know I have no resistance to you. I don't want those kids to catch us shagging.'

'We'll have to be quick then,' he joked and she smacked him lightly across the chest.

'Not even _you_ are that quick,' she said, motioning with her chin. 'Train's here. Where the hell is Harry?'

Remus looked around, seeing many eyes turn away. Ashlin had been right about the stares: they had gotten several looks from other parents as they waited on the platform, Remus was relieved to see that not too many of the gazes were hostile. Ashlin's face was well known now as Kingsley had leaked her story - along with details of everything she and Remus were trying to do to help the orphans of the war. Ashlin knew that the article hadn't allayed everyone's doubts about the project, but Harry's declaration of support in the newspaper report had gone a long way towards helping people accept that a former Death Eater and her werewolf husband were opening a boarding home for teenagers. As a result of the public support from 'The Boy Who Lived', _'Padfoot Place'_ had been inundated with offers of help - financial and practical.

'Sorry I'm late,' the man himself said as he ran up to them, puffing a little. 'Got…distracted.' He grinned and Ashlin and Remus laughed.

'Next time, you might want to go with a more subtle shade of lipstick, Harry,' Ashlin said, handing him a tissue and he flushed, wiping off the remnants of his girlfriends' farewell kiss as the train ground to a halt.

* * *

There was soon a sea of teenagers milling around the platform and Ashlin looked nervously at the already memorised list of names in her hand. They were taking ten children, five boys and five girls ranging in age from eleven to sixteen. These were just a few of the children in the most desperate need, Ashlin wishing fervently that she could fit more of the homeless teenagers into the house. Remus had to convince her to give this first holiday a chance before extending the house to be able to fit more kids in.

She and Remus had met with the twelve quiet, resentful, grieving children several times over the past two weeks. After the first visit, Remus had found Ashlin sitting on her window sill with a cigarette dangling from her fingers, having recognised names and faces of families; guilt eating her up when she realised that, although she hadn't taken part in any of the murders, she'd known about some and done nothing to stop them. It had taken all of Remus' considerable skills, both of persuation and seduction, to get her mind off the past and back to the good things they were creating together now.

Remus watched Ashlin closely now. She'd been unable to sleep last night, prowling the house, checking and rechecking that everything was ready until he'd had enough, throwing her over his shoulder and taking her back to bed. They hadn't been able to have any kind of honeymoon after their quick, casual bonding; the preparations for today taking up most of their time. He'd planned a trip away after the holidays were over, both a belated honeymoon and a chance to unwind after their first experience with the children. If all went well, that was.

He saw familiar faces making their way over to them and gripped Ashlin's hand. Neither of them were under any illusions that this was going to be easy. The children had ranged in mood from overly clingy, crying when they'd left after their school visits, and openly resentful and angry. They'd organised a counsellor to talk to them but Remus knew he and Ashlin would bear the brunt of the swinging emotions and hoped his wife was ready for it. Although she was tougher than she looked, her heart was still fragile.

* * *

'Hi,' Harry greeted as the crowd around them grew.

He chatted to some of the younger teens he knew vaguely from his recent time at Hogwarts, as the youngest child, eleven year old Mia, attached herself to Ashlin's leg. The little girl had sobbed each time Ashlin had left, Minerva McGonagall explaining that the dayher mother had been killed, she'd kissed Mia goodbye, told her she'd see her later but had never come back. The child was terrified now that every time someone left they wouldn't return and tried to compensate by clinging onto familiar adults. It just about broke Ashlin's heart to see the girl that way and she put her arms around her now, holding her close.

Remus shook hands with the older boys, giving a particularly warm smile to sixteen year old Lucas, whose Auror parents were murdered by the same woman that had taken the life of his former wife; the same woman he'd watched his current wife kill. Lucas was the most angry, the most resentful at having been sent to stay at _'Padfoot Place' _.

He had been cold and aloof to former Death Easter Ashlin but he had quickly connected with Remus, the werewolf seeing a lot of the qualities his late best friend had also had - an outward appearance of arrogance and confidence but hidden anger and frustration that would explode from him at unexpected moments. Remus had connected with the deepest part of Sirius in a way that even his 'brother' James never could and he found the same hidden depths in Lucas.

They split the children up, Harry, Ashlin and Remus each taking a smaller group by Portkey back to the boarding house. As they huddled around the old hats that were the transport devices, Remus gave Ashlin a quick kiss on the side of the head.

'I love you,' he whispered and saw her mouth the words back. He could see the nervousness in her face and smiled reassuringly.

'New beginnings, Ash,' he said softly and she nodded, smiling back at him as she repeated his words.

'New beginnings.'

_**Fin.**_

_**OK. Let me know - do you want to hear more or are you sick of them? I've left it open for a continuation where we delve more into Padfoot Place if there's enough interest…**_


End file.
